Broken Thoughts
by katgirl28888
Summary: Twenty year old Karkat's been dealing with abuse for his sexuality for just under a year now. His roommate and best friend Sollux is both worried and clueless. Should he risk revealing the reason behind it all and losing his friend for good, or should he continue to let him live in fearful ignorance? Crap summary is crap, M for future smut/language/violent descriptions.
1. Better To Let Sleeping Dogs Lie

**Author's Note: Kat here. So, this is the first story I've actually uploaded to here (blame laziness, meh), although I have written a few others. Updates might be slow for a bit because school isn't out for another week and we still have finals, but once summer starts, I'm guessing a chapter every two or three days, depending on how obstinate my grandmother's being about my supposed seclusion.**

**So... yup. Chapter One, review, please, because desperation for opinions and yeah.**

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I'd known for years that I was bisexual.

I liked boys.

I also liked girls.

Some people didn't realize this.

"Hey, faggot, come on, get up! Get up, you fucking pussy."

"Fuck both of you cocksucking shitheads!" I spat viciously. Had I had a chance to say more, I would have; my issue was that the dickhead spewing most of the obscenities kicked me in the stomach as soon as the insults left my mouth. I was already on the ground, so he was just adding insult to injury at this point. The worst part was that he hadn't even been the one to put me there. He laughed cruelly and taunted me again, him and his accomplice playing soccer with my already bruised and battered body at each word.

A gasping cry of pain escaped my lips after a particularly hard foot to my gut. "Hey, what's wrong, Vantas? You need to go cry to your boyfriend?" Both of them laughed at his stupid, petty jab.

"I don't... have a boyfriend, you... cuntfucking asswipe!" I managed to choke out a few words in my defense.

"Yeah, right, fagg." With that he kicked me again. As he did, another voice spoke up.

"Leave him alone, ath'holeth'." They both froze at first, then burst out in disgusting laughter when they looked up.

"Hey, look — it's the gay-ass douchebag's lispy little fuckin' boyfriend!" I groaned again, and this time not from the pain shooting up from my stomach. "Are you so pathetic you have to call your geeky fucking boyfriend to save your pansy-ass?"

Already that "lispy little fuck" was getting pretty fed up with the bullies. "I th'aid to _leave him the fuck alone!"_ Sollux roared at them, throwing a punch at the bigger guy. It collided painfully, leaving another sickening crack to ring through my ears like the ones from my own body had. His 'friend' was sent sprinting down the abandoned street as soon as his buddy was downed. Sollux was taller than both of them and, as such, posed an all-around bigger, very angry, very bipolar threat to the both of them — and like it or not, they both knew it.

It didn't take another hit for the guy writhing in pain on the sidewalk to snap. "Okay, man, it's all good, w-we weren't doin' nothin', man, I swear!" His voice was high from fear and kind of nasally; a hand was pressed gingerly against his bloody nose.

Sollux looked down menacingly, fully prepared to hit him again. Or at least, he was until something softened in his stance that even I could see with my blurred vision and he instead offered his hand to other teen. "Hey, I'm th'orry, man, really. Thith' mind-block thing juth't cometh' over me and I can't think path't it."

He looked confused for a minute before recognizing the opportunity in front of him. "No big deal, dude." His smile had returned, but unlike Sollux in his emotional-disorder induced haze of friendship, I could see the malicious intent plain on his face. "In fact," he continued, "any guy who can throw a punch like that is welcome to roll with us."

I could almost see my roommate mulling over his offer. He watched me while he spoke. "'Roll with uth'?' Uth' who?"

"Oh, you know. Us 'street rats,' as the cops'd call us. Kickin' ass and takin' names are all in a day's work."

He paused for a moment. "You know, I don't think I wanna be a part of th'omething like that." His voice dripped with thinly veiled suspicion.

"Really? What a shame. Well, I guess in that case..." I groaned in dismay, knowing exactly what he was about to do. Sollux glanced at me one more time and I willed him to look back, not trusting myself to open my mouth to tell him to without hurling on the pavement. Just as he did, the other guy clocked him right in the face. By the time he recovered, the asshole was halfway down the street and still running. Sollux growled under his breath and seemed ready to give chase, but seemed to remember first that I was lying immobile mere feet away.

Shaking his anger off as well as he could, he strode over to me and somehow managed to stand me up. My knees were shaking and I felt like I was about to puke, but I managed to keep it in and stay upright somehow. "Are you alright, KK?" I think I managed a feeble nod, still not fully capable of coherent speech. "What the hell happened?" Shaking my head, I pushed my legs towards where I'd seen the parked truck earlier. I didn't make it too far; tripping over my own feet, I stumbled forward before falling to my hands and knees, coughing and hacking like I couldn't breathe. Sollux's sigh met my ears and I silently apologized, still choking on pain.

He waited a few minutes, standing and staring at me from somewhere up in the sky. When my panting softened some, he said, "Are you done? I don't want to drive with a dith'traction like that." I scowled up at him, gradually making my way to my feet.

"I am so fucking sorry I pose such a threat to your personal safety with my possible internal injuries, I'll try my absolute fucking hardest to keep myself contained." The anger I didn't really feel in that statement was punctuated by thin, wheezing breaths.

"There'th no need to be an even bigger ath'hole than usual, KK. Ekth'cuth'e me for being more conth'erned about your th'afety."

"Whatever," I finished quietly. "It's not like it's any of your business, anyway."

"What, driving down th'ome dead end road to pick up my beth't friend from work and and th'topping halfway to th'top him from getting beaten up _again_ ith' none of my buth'ineth?" _Goddamn, that was cute. He enunciated each syllable — bithe-ih-nith._ "What the hell did you do to pith' thoth'e prickth' off, anyway?"

I struck out, _slowly,_ towards the vehicle, blatantly ignoring him. He either completely missed the hint or flat-out disregarded it, running after me within a few seconds. I felt a hand on my shoulder and his quiet, grating, wonderful voice sounding somewhere near my ear. "KK, th'eriously. Thith' ith'n't the firth't time thith' hath' happened. Call me a douche or a puth'y or whatever, but I'm worried about you. What ith' thith' all about? It ith'n't alwayth' the th'ame people, but they alwayth' th'eem to have the th'ame, like, I don't know, method of punishment, I gueth'." _'Method of punishment,' really, Sollux?_

I rounded on him, determined to keep up this façade no matter how much it hurt — physically or emotionally. "You really wanna know why these cuntwads keep fucking me up like this, Sollux?" He nodded, almost solemnly. I moved my head forward, the speed of the action almost making me dizzy. My face was in his and I tried so painfully hard not to think of how close our lips were as I growled, "I keep getting 'punished' because they think I'm _gay."_

He paused for a moment, letting the shock sink in. I turned away from him in disgust, once again turning to the car. And once again, I heard his soft voice, though more firm this time, from somewhere just behind me. "You're _not_ gay, are you?" _Oh._ Right. I hadn't... actually come out to Sollux yet; my best friend, the guy I was currently living with, someone I'd known since sixth grade, still didn't know my biggest secret. Most people didn't, for that matter. The only reason these fuckasses did was because of a failed relationship that ended more bitterly for my partner than I'd thought.

He was the leader of these guys, these "street rats" like he'd told Sollux. He hadn't been when he met me; it was more of a direct result of our relationship than anything else. We became great friends a few months into senior year at high school, and for whatever reason, he managed to look past the stigma about gays around here and confide in me his sexuality. His fear in telling me was still evident, however, so in order to dispel some of it, I responded in kind. He saw an opportunity and took it and we dated in secrecy until Memorial Day. At that point, _he_ got upset with _me_ for wanting to spend the sunny holiday outside with my family and Sollux instead of stuck in a dark room with him alone. We had a loud, hurtful fight which doubled now as the first time he'd hit me.

The first time until today, that is. It had been just a few days shy of a year since we broke up, so I guess it made sense he was feeling raw about it. As for whether that either warranted or justified my abuse today... let's just say I'm glad Sollux never knew of our relationship.

Afraid he'd get the wrong (correct) idea if I took any longer to speak, I curled my fingers over the handle of the truck and let my mind say something to satisfy him. "No, Sollux." I heard my voice from somewhere outside myself, sounding strangely quiet and kind of strangled. I hoped I could pass it off as pain. "I'm not gay." I started to climb into the car before pausing and looking back. "Give me the keys. I'm driving." He laughed and walked around the front of the car, jangling the keys in his hand as he got in.

"Get in, th'it down, and shut up, KK," he laughed as the car started. "There'th' no way in hell I'm letting you drive."

"And why the fuck not?" I shouted indignantly, pushing away the pain that rose up in my stomach when I yelled. I sat shotgun and buckled up anyway.

"Becauth'e. Would you rather walk? I can let you out right here, you can walk home if you'd prefer." I grumbled for a bit, just audibly, but didn't actually say anything to the contrary. Instead, I let my mind wander. Some people I knew, Sollux included, made sure their thoughts didn't stray too far from what was accepted. I, on the other hand, preferred to let my brain dwell on the things that would both pain and satisfy like nothing else, even when the thoughts themselves hurt. This was one of those times.

Shuddering, I imagined Sollux in place of my ex, repeatedly throwing his foot into my side where it shouldn't have been able to go, breaking me with a sickening, lost, desperate, _furious_ half-smirk. It didn't take long to shift my thoughts to a happier image; Sollux tugging me into his lap, holding my broken body against his sturdy one and kissing the tiny little cuts that riddled my forehead.

I knew exactly what I looked like right now; sure, that _had_ been a particularly rough... attack, but Sollux was more than right. These attacks were far from infrequent, and I had practically memorized my usual appearance after the many times I'd had to clean myself up before coming home in the park bathroom. If anyone asked how I got so utterly fucked up, I offered something simple, like, "I fell off my bike," or something to that effect. Although, of the few people I encountered in there, even fewer dared to ask.

Sollux was only half-right anyway. He didn't know that there was any truth behind their accusations; I'd made _damn_ certain he didn't know just how often I was abused by them; and if he only knew that I carried cover-up makeup in my pocket wherever I went, just in case this happened and I had the opportunity to hide it — I didn't think I'd have been able to cover this up by the time they finished with me anyway, so I was torn between gratitude and embarrassment that he'd found me like this so soon into it. They normally toyed with me for anywhere from five minutes to thirty — my body was riddled with more scars than I could count, a rare one the result of some accident — but none of them had ever hurt me this bad this soon.

The sigh escaped my lips before I could hold it. I felt my chauffeur's gaze trail on me for an instance before returning to the road. It was soft and afraid and I could see he was still shaky. My heart wrenched at the thought of his worry. He cared so much. I never asked him to care. He just did. I cared about him too, of course. And he was always there just when I needed him, even when I acted like I didn't need him. But I did need him. I needed him so much it hurt. I'd needed him since we met. I'd needed him since I recognized the crush I'd been nursing for him since even before I accepted my sexuality. As far as I knew, however, he was straight, and either I'd have to change that, or I'd have to move on. It was part of why I was terrified to come out to him; if he thought I was suggesting that he and I get together, even if I wasn't, and he looked appalled? If I told him and he turned away from me, for good? Just the thought scared me, but the fear settled it.

There was only one thing in life I was absolutely certain of: if I was going to allow myself the luxury of a boyfriend, not only would this guy have to make the first move, but he'd have to be ridiculously tall and lanky and be able to throw a near-lethal punch, and he'd have to have heterochromatic eyes, one the deepest blue of the ocean and the other such a vivid brown it was almost red, nearly the same shade as my two, and wear dorky glasses with dual-colored frames that matched them for his crippling nearsightedness. He'd have to care so much it stressed him out even when I was safe and sound right next to him and he'd have to have short, smooth, raven black hair that contrasted so well with my hair which was dark in a completely different way and he'd have to have known me and been my best friend for the better part of six years. He'd have to have violent mood swings that even meds had stopped helping and have a secret terror of lightning that would send him hiding under every blanket in the house unless I managed to find him and hold him close.

Yup. If I was going to allow myself the luxury of a boyfriend, I'd have to hear the words, _Karkat, will you be my boyfriend?_ out of Sollux's mouth.

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**Again, review please~ Thank you! ^-^**


	2. Hospitals Are Lovely, Aren't They?

**Author's Note: I'm really pleased with this fic so far so I'm just writing whenever I can and updating when I'm satisfied. ********If you already read this, I just combined chapters two and three because honestly, they were both really short and neither needed to be, so here we are!**

**Chapter Two, enjoy and please don't forget to review~**

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It had been around sunset when Sollux found me, and the drive home had been long enough for night to fall before we stopped. I managed to walk inside without too much of an issue, although I could feel something grating inside my chest that made breathing hurt and would undoubtedly cause even more problems later on. Stumbling half-blind into our bedroom, I held my breath and gritted my teeth while hauling my tired body onto the top bunk — _yes, two freshman in college sleeping by choice in a bunkbed_ — neither knowing nor caring where Sollux was. The desire to flop myself onto the covers was almost overpowering, but the knowledge of how painful it would be took precedence and I instead laid down as slowly as I could. I waited for the door to open and prepared a few choice words for Sollux, but by the time he finally entered the room, I was fast asleep.

The lights were all off and it was both pitch black and silent when I blinked awake. Something in the air told me Sollux was sleeping below me, but nothing beyond that registered in my brain. My first conscious thought was to sit up; upon doing so, I never wanted to think again. The pain shot up my chest so fiercely that I couldn't breathe. It was all I could do to moan pathetically, whimpering and hoping Sollux would wake up. He wasn't a particularly light sleeper, but he wasn't really a heavy sleeper either, and I was hoping I could count on that just this once.

Luckily, my wish was realized. I heard him, voice thick with both sleep and fear. "KK? What'th' wrong?" I started to respond, but my mind disconnected from my mouth and all that came out was a thin wail of pain. I heard springs creaking and wooden slats groaning under his weight before I looked up and caught just a hint of his silhouette black against the streetlight-brightened window. My wordless pleas for help grew softer as he crawled toward me over the blanket. Pulling me to him gently, he shooshed my pained gasps and let his deft fingers graze over specific parts of my body. "What'th' wrong, KK?"

Two words were all I could force. "My... chest..." Heavy breaths I couldn't quite take formed the spaces between my words. The unnatural rhythm didn't break until one finger caught the lowest rib on my left, at which I let out a low whine.

"Ith' it your ribth'?"

I shook my head, scrunching up my face against the pain. "Just... one..."

He slid his hand down around the right side of my stomach and carefully tugged me closer, wrapping his right arm around my shoulders. "They really hurt you thith' time, didn't they?" His soft whisper rustled the hair by my ear. I didn't respond; I was too focused on not breathing too hard to think. The only thing breaking through the haze of my mind was how happy I'd be right now if my chest didn't hurt like a motherfucker. "KK... I think we need to get you to a docto—"

"No!" The force of the single word left me wheezing hard and trying to resist a coughing fit. I couldn't let him take me to a doctor. Sollux knew I worked a side job at a local coffee shop, but what he didn't know was that most of my income from it went towards doctor bills. It was bad enough that he had seen this, I didn't need him seeing how familiar I was with the clinic or the receptionist or the doctor; or, more over, how familiar they were with me.

I could feel his gaze on me, so I shook my head and tried to explain. "I'm fine, Sollux, really. I don't need to—" The sentence was interrupted by a violent cough, which under any other circumstance would have easily been brushed aside, but now left my head reeling and my vision clouded by stars. I instantly forgot what I was talking about and threw my head back with a high-pitched keening, unable to focus on anything but the pain.

Sollux slowly let me fall back to the mattress before moving to climb off the top bunk. He left the room and returned just minutes later, pulling on a jacket. "I'm taking you to the hoth'pital, KK. You can't be in thith' much pain and juth't brush it off like it'th' nothing." I closed my eyes in defeat and let my breath slow as much as I could. He climbed back up and slid his arms around me, one beneath my knees and the other under my armpits, and it was all I could do to keep my head from lolling back limply. Pulling me carefully to the edge of the bed, he very slowly began to climb down with me held tight in his arms. I groaned, silently thinking about how I was mostly just dead weight in his arms and how heavy I must be, even for someone like Sollux. Sure, he was skinny, but he had an incredible build of sinewy muscle beneath his skin. I started to apologize for it, but he shooshed me before I could get a single word out. Readjusting his grip on me, he exited the room, careful of my head in the doorway. I sighed softly and let him carry me to the passenger side of the truck, sliding me cautiously into the seat. I was glad that we'd told our parents we were planning on being roommates before we graduated; had we not told them, we'd be living in an apartment somewhere in the heart of the city rather than this admittedly cute little one story they'd pooled their money together to buy for us. A parking garage was the last thing we needed to deal with.

"Sollux," I breathed as soon as he got in the car, forcing my voice as loudly as I could and still hearing only a whisper. He didn't notice me and started the car with an almost invisible desperation. I cleared my throat and tried again, my tone coming out only slightly louder and only just audible over the rumbling engine. "Sollux. I don't need you to drive me to the doctor."

"Shut up, yeth' you do," he returned, backing out. He shot me a glance, checking to see I was still okay before returning his eyes to the road. We drove in near silence; one of the only noises we could discern aside from the truck running was my shallow, abnormal breathing. It hurt to breathe at all, but I figured I'd be okay if I took a deep breath every minute or so. I sat, thinking, worrying, but I let it all slip away when I faded back into sleep.

I woke up with more of a jolt this time as the car jerked to a halt. He walked around to my side of the car while I pushed myself to unbuckle. He opened the door just as I did and let a tiny smile grace his lips while he put his arms around me once again. He started to lift me until I put a hand to his shoulder. "Sollux, stop it. I'm not going to let you carry me like I'm some helpless fucking five year old."

"Yeah, well, I'm not going to let you walk and hurt yourth'elf even more. Th'top arguing, I'm carrying you." His eyes were full of determination and laced with fear, and the look alone was enough to break my resolve.

"Fine, but we never speak of this, got it, fuckass?" He grinned at my attitude and nodded, lifting me up and carrying me through the darkness into the brightly lit, stunningly white reception area. The woman behind the desk — a young girl named Cheryll, just a few months out of college whom I knew would recognize me — perked up as we entered.

"Karkat?" I cringed at her instantaneous recognition and managed a feeble hello. "Oh, no. I'll go get Robert real quick." Rather than simply calling him over the intercom, she actually stepped into the back, disappearing somewhere into the halls.

"You know her, KK?" Sollux asked in surprise, blinking. I nodded, sealing my fate as he set me in one of the chairs then sat beside me. As far as he was concerned, I'd never been here before; I'm sure he'd been prepared to fill out one of those waiver/information forms before the doctor would even consider looking at me and everything. He obviously wanted some answers, and to be honest, I guess he deserved some.

"Mm-hmm. Cheryll and I go—" Wheeze. "—waaay back." Cough. "Robert, too."

"And Robert ith...?"

"The doctor." Groan.

"Where do you know them from?"

I considered shutting him out, saying he was being nosy or something else like that, but I eventually settled on the truth. "Well, I've known Rob forever. And Cheryll... she's worked here since she got out of med assist school. And you, uh... y-you know that job I have? Did you ever stop to wonder—" Deep, painful breath. "—where that money was going?"

He cocked his head, resting his chin in his palm and furrowing his brow. Realization lit up his eyes a few seconds later. "Theth'e guyth' have been attacking you a lot more than I've th'een, haven't they?" It was more of a statement than a question. I nodded solemnly, unable to look at him. It was silent for a few seconds. "Why didn't you tell me, KK?"

I shook my head. "I... I didn't want to worry you," I answered truthfully.

He looked straight ahead, staring at, or more likely through, the wall. "I worried anyway," he said quietly.

Not a word had been exchanged between Sollux and me since he'd last spoken. Now there wasn't a chance for conversation between us, considering he was sitting alone in the waiting room, mulling over all the things I'd just told him. I, on the other hand, was in the exam room on a metal table, Robert with his back against the counter reading over my chart. Not that he needed to; I'd been in there enough that he'd probably had it memorized by now. "You know, Karkles," he yawned, using his nickname for me to soften the disapproval in his tone, "Cheryll had to wake me up to deal with you."

"Oh, shut the fuck up," I panted, only half joking. "You know you love me."

He chuckled. "Don't use that language with me, fuckass." His teasing had me grinning even through my pain. A more serious expression took over his face, however, as he carefully teased my favorite black turtleneck off — there were stiff splotches of blood on it anyway, I figured it was about time someone got around to peeling it from the cuts. It wasn't an intimate gesture, anyway, simply a professional one. I could hear the low whistle through his teeth as he marveled at the beautiful, sickly purple, blue, even yellow paint just under the skin decorating most of my torso. The magnificent colors were only magnified by the smeared blood from tiny little cuts scattered over my upper body. Some of it had a marbled effect, like someone took a sponge and dipped it in red paint before dabbing it all over my chest and stomach.

When the silence was finally broken, we both spoke at the same time.

"They really fucked you up this time, huh?"

"They really fucked me u— yeah... They did." He looked me up and down and let his fingers ghost over the marks. "Rob, don't mind the bruises. It's—" I gasped in dizzying pain when his hand brushed my rib, same as Sollux' had. _"Nnngg._ Y-Yeah... r-right there. It's my rib." He straightened up; he was tall standing up and even taller when I was sitting. I had to crane my neck to even look at him. _Why does everyone have to be so much fucking taller than me? I'm not even all that short!_

He sighed, deep in thought. "I'm just gonna come clean with you, I know you well enough to know that you wouldn't come here for something that wasn't serious. I saw whom I'm going to assume is Sollux—" He glanced at me for confirmation, which I gave with a nod, before continuing. "—out there, and he looked exhausted. He stared directly at me for a few seconds before realizing I was actually there, and his eyes were practically glazed with fear. I know you don't want him to know, and I respect that, but if he's here that means he probably knows more than he did yesterday, and I don't think leaving him with half an explanation is fair, especially not when he obviously cares for you so much. What's more is that if he's going to pay for this visit, or even assist in any way, he needs to see your medical history, and that's a legal obligation, not a choice I can make. I just thought I'd let you know."

I frowned a bit. I'd known Sollux was going to find out eventually, but I had hoped I'd have been able to tell him myself. Blatantly ignoring the blinding pain in my chest, same way I'd done for most of the evening, I nodded. I knew Rob even before I started needing a doctor so often; he was a friend of the family who'd taken a liking to me when I was still a kid. I knew I could rely on our past to trust him when he said there was nothing he could do to keep my injuries a secret, even if it meant I had to watch the hurt expressions of my crush/roommate while he gawked in horror. If Robert said there was nothing he could do, there was nothing he could do.

"As for your chest," he added, snapping me out of my thoughts, "you should be able to cope with the bruises same as you always do, but I have a feeling your rib is fractured. If that is the case, there's nothing I can do for you aside from prescribing a high-grade pain reliever. Of course, I've already prescribed you my strongest for your bruises, so there really is nothing else I can do."

"I need a refill," I stated.

"Already?" It had scarcely been a week since my last refill — and these weren't small bottles, either. Rob sighed and turned around to start writing the refill allowance note for the pharmacy. "Alright. You're not taking them just because, whenever you want, right?" He reminded me a bit of my father when he asked that. I smiled for half a second before wondering what Dad would think about my near-daily abuse... or the reason behind it, more accurately. My lips quirked down in another frown and I breathed a sigh.

"No, I'm not."

"You better not be. You're lucky I haven't told you parents about this, but if I find out you're doing drugs on top of all this, I'll be on the phone with your dad faster than you can blink." He turned back to me, handing me the receipt. "I'm not going to subject you to an x-ray or anything, even though I should. Promise you'll come back if it gets worse or harder to breathe and I'll let you go. Like I said, there's really nothing that can be done for a fractured rib aside from pain medication, but you should try to avoid walking around for a while. Five to six weeks with maximum bed confinement and you should be good as new. Of course, that means you're going to be missing school. I could get your work from your professors if you'd like, and I still won't breathe a word to your parents if I can help it, but it's really more of a hassle than is necessary, and—"

_"Rob!"_ I cut him off, more forcefully than angrily. He blinked at me and I explained, "You're rambling again."

He chuckled like he'd always done, genuine and gentle. "Right, sorry. Alright, before you get too antsy to get out of here, I'm going to advise that you sleep on your left side."

"But that's the side my hurt rib's on," I protested.

"Exactly. It helps it to heal faster and increases the likelihood that it will heal properly. It will hurt like a son of a bitch," he conceded reluctantly, "but it's better in the long run." I grumbled a bit before sighing yet again, albeit more heavily — and instantly regretting having done so while groaning from the pain — and agreeing. "Okay then, Karkles. You stay here and I'll go let Sollux know what's going on." He started to walk out without another word, carrying his clipboard and making muffled flip-flop slaps against the linoleum in his fuzzy slippers, but froze when I spoke up.

"It was him this time, Rob."

"Him who?" he asked cautiously, slowly turning back to me.

"Him... _him._ Trevor."

_"He_ did this to you?" The disbelief in his tone matched that in his face. "Wh-why would he...?"

"Because I hurt him. Because I was selfish."

"Karkat, you weren't being selfish!" he argued instantly. "You would rather have spent your day outside in the beautiful park under the shade of an oak tree with your family than stuck inside in a dark room staring at a television screen with the blinds drawn for fear of being seen. He may have been your boyfriend then, but if you didn't want to spend one fucking day with him, he had no right to go apeshit on you and beat you for it, much less hold a grudge for nearly a _year_ and want to see you punished for normal human desires, nor does he have any ground whatsoever to even _begin_ to classify something like that as selfish. If he thought that was selfish, then you were too good for a dick like him anyway, and if he _still_ has a problem with you, and you're both my patients, so I would readily have access to both yours and his medical records, I'll make sure he won't come around you again!" He was beginning to get worked up over this. "Not that I'm suggesting I would hurt him in any way, because not only is that illegal, it's immoral, but I would take him to court in a heartbeat! I'm not sure why you haven't sued him yourself already. There's almost no chance we'd lose, and at the very least we could get a restraining order against him. And what's more, I don't think—"

"Robert! Just stop it already. We've been over this, we don't need to go over it again. I was being selfish and am now completely fucked over for god knows how long because of it. I appreciate that you'd be willing to fight in court on my behalf, but it's really not necessary." He started to say something, but I had no desire to continue this conversation. My chest already hurt and having talked as much as I already had was by no means helping. I held up a hand with a sharp exhale of effort. "Stop arguing with me, shitface. Go talk to Sollux or whatever you doctors do away from your patients." He took a deep breath and paused for a moment, collecting himself before he hesitantly turned to leave, glancing at me. The door closed with a quiet click after him.

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**Review, my lovelies. ^-^**


	3. Honesty Is The Best Policy, After All

**Author's Note: I'm going to respond to guest reviews like this, because I really can't think of any other way to respond to them and I do like to let people know that I got their reviews.**

**Angela'sWerecat: KYAA~! Thank you so much for your wonderful review, you're a sweetheart ^-^ I try to be as articulate as possible, though I'm not always sure how well I achieve that, and I do try not to rush, though normally my chapters are longer. If I wasn't so eager to post this, the first two chapters would be combined into one and I'd still be working on the "second," but I'm impatient and so that didn't happen. I'm so glad you like the plot, it was such a spontaneous idea. I promise I won't give up on it, though. I always seem to be able to write (not necessarily better, but) ****_more_**** when there are people giving me feedback because it makes me feel like a good person (#stupidreason) I'll have the fifth chapter up next weekend, promise~**

**Guest: He wasn't, to be honest. Robert was actually one of the few OCs I've ever come up with in my life. Not out of desire, either, necessarily. Just out of pure need for a character. Though I agree, he does talk a lot XD I'm not sure yet if I want to put all of the trolls/humans in here. I know that annoys some people and pleases other, so it's kind of a delicate matter. I think I'll probably put some in because their personalities will match so perfectly for the character I need, but not all of them.**

**Thank you all to everybody who left a review~ :3 I've been lucky not to receive any bad reviews yet, but I welcome those too, just so long as they're constructively negative and not raging-douche negative. In other news, I can't post anything else this week because I have finals and fuck finals but whatever. I can't fail any worse or I'll be held back, so I guess I kind of have to study and stuff, and regardless of how much I love writing or how good you all are making me think I am at it, my parents feel it's a worthless skill and that I need to focus on school more. So, one more week then I can pretty much say, "FUCK YOU," and write all I want.**

**Also, I lied, I'm not going to respond to guest reviews like this or at all because fuck that shit's exhausting and tedious and if you want a reply, log in.**

**Rambling over, Chapter Three, my friends!**

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It took a while longer than I had expected it to for Rob to return. I wouldn't have minded normally, except that he brought a familiar raven-haired asshole with him. His face was apologetic when he explained that I had to be in the room whenever someone other than him viewed my medical history. So when he finally did show Sollux my records, I had the misfortune of sitting right next to him. It was entirely impossible for me to look away as the fear in his expression grew a hundredfold — and believe me, I tried. I busied myself doing nothing and trying (failing) to stare intently at my feet while Robert filled him in on everything else he'd missed. At certain points he looked to me for help, but not because he didn't know what to say; he wanted me to grow some balls and tell Sollux myself. Each time, I looked away and the slightest nuance of disappointment grew noticeable in his voice — or it did if you knew him well enough to tell the difference, anyway. "All in all," Robert concluded, "Karkat S. Vantas has visited this hospital nineteen times in total, all over the span of the past twelve months, this visit included."

Sollux was the image of speechlessness; mouth slightly agape, eyes widened and blank, unblinking. When he finally snapped out of it, he turned to me with glassy dual-colored eyes filled with a bizarre mixture of pity and regret, and a fury that scared me at the same time it staked my heart in guilt. His face was tight and I could see the strain he was putting on himself to keep from lashing out. He eventually managed a tense word of gratitude to Rob, though his gaze never strayed from me.

Desperate to break our eye contact, I clutched the pharmaceutical receipt tighter and started to ease myself off the exam table, saying more loudly than was entirely necessary at the stake of stronger pangs in my chest, "Okay, thank you, I think it's about time we headed home and let you get some sleep. Come on, Sollux." Before my feet were anywhere close to the ground, Sollux slipped his arms under me and lifted me up bridal-style. "Whoa, hey, what are you doing? I'm fine, let me go!" He didn't say anything and I knew I wasn't going to win this battle; when Captor set his mind to something, he wasn't easily deterred. Sighing, I locked my hands together behind his neck so I wasn't as much dead weight.

I narrowed my eyes and untangled a single finger at Robert's hidden grin, screaming at him to fuck off without ever saying a word. Sollux was oblivious as ever and left the room with me held against him. When he got outside, I spoke up again. "I _can_ walk, you know."

"Th'o?" He sounded nonchalant at best.

_"So,_ you don't need to carry me."

"But—"

"No, shut up, asshat. Put me down."

"No." I growled and readjusted my arms around his neck, holding on tighter while he opened the passenger-side door. The car ride was short and soon enough, Sollux had his arms around me once again.

"I already told you, you dense shitsponge, I am perfectly capable of walkin—"

"Shut up." His tone was anything but light; it wasn't a request. It was a straight command. I glanced at his face in surprise; it was blazing with emotion, torn between anger and concern.

"S-Sollu—?"

"Are you deaf? Th'top talking." Confusion wasn't a strong enough word to describe the feeling. Subtly obeying him, I tucked my head down into his chest and held onto him, though I wasn't entirely sure why anymore. Eventually, he pushed the door to our room open and set me down carefully at the foot of his bed. He didn't sit next to me, though. Instead, he started walking in circles. He did this when he got upset; when he lost a video game (the occurrence of which was, admittedly, rare), when he missed a show he wanted to watch, when he got a lower grade on an assignment than he was expecting, he always paced in circles around our room, whether I was in there or not. Sometimes it bothered me, but now I was just afraid he was upset because of something I did wrong. Logic told me it was just his bipolar disorder speaking, but fear overrode sense and reason failed in favor of panic, and I couldn't help the dread that spread through my body like venom.

Eventually, Sollux turned to me. _"What the hell ith' wrong with you?!"_ It wasn't enough to call him upset — he was livid.

"Sollux, I just—"

"That wath' rhetorical, dipshit. I don't want to hear your voith'e right now. To be honeth't, I don't particularly want anything to do with you right now, either. But you know what? It'th' two AM and here I am, the firth't time back in my room th'ince I had to drive you to the hoth'pital for a broken fucking rib that I didn't know you could have even gotten becauth'e _you didn't th'ay anything about it!_ I don't give a flying fuck if you didn't want me to worry, I worried my ath' off about you anyway and you _th'till_ got beaten! You should have told me, becauth'e then I would have at leath't felt juth'tified in worrying and I wouldn't have felt guilty becauth'e I know you don't want me to. You're a fucking ath'hole, Karkat—" _Oh fuuuuck. He just had to say my full motherfucking name, didn't he. He is seriously pissed._ "—and you're my beth't fucking friend! I don't underth'tand why you lied to me! Beth't friendth' don't lie to each other, no matter what, and I—"

"I'm sorry!" My stomach clenched as I yelled to interrupt him and I narrowed my eyes at the pain, but I didn't let it stop me. "You're right, Sollux, I'm a complete shitsucking douchedick and you have every right to be pissed, and I'm really sorry I didn't tell you, but I just... you know what? Fuck it. I'm not gonna make excuses. Not wanting you to worry is really the only reason I didn't say anything. I don't want you to make special allowances for me because you felt like you had to. I don't want you to have to go out of your way to take special care of the piece of shit that I am. But no matter how embarrassed I was of it, I should have told you. You deserve at least that, and I'm a dick for keeping it from you. I won't keep it a secret anymore."

His face softened and he let out a huge sigh, rubbing his eyes from beneath his glasses. He set them on the nightstand seconds later and collapsed onto the bed beside me, still rubbing his eyes with the heels of his hands. "Th'orry for yelling, KK. You..." He sighed. "You know how it ith'." I didn't respond.

A few minutes of silence later, I heard my voice come out, cracked from exhaustion. "Sollux...?"

"Hm?"

"We're still friends... right?"

"Of courth'e."

"Okay. Um... can we... c-can I go to bed now?" He nodded, looking just as tired as I felt.

"Do you need help getting up there? Or do you want to just th'leep on my bed and I'll th'leep up there?"

"I think we should maybe do that." He nodded again and stood, walking to the ladder. While he gradually made his way to the top bunk, switching the light off on his way up, I was stretching out as comfortably as I could in his bed.

He spoke from directly above me. "Good night, KK."

"'Night, Sollux."

One long, pain-filled, sleepless hour later, I was well aware this wasn't going to work. I lay debating my options for a while, finally deciding on just asking to switch. "Sollux?" I had hoped he wasn't asleep, but I whispered anyway, so I wouldn't wake him up if he was.

"Yeah?" He sounded tired but awake. Thank god. I would have gladly gone one sleepless night if it meant he got some rest, but I'd rather we both got some sleep.

"Can we switch back? I... can't sleep."

"I know. Me either. Hold on, let me juth't..." Rather than finishing his sentence, I heard the creak of wood that meant he had moved to the end of the bed.

Now came the hard part. The part I'd been dreading since I realized I couldn't sleep in his bed. "Sollux?" _Shit, fuck, no! Why is my voice cracking, stop it, fuck!_ "C-Can you, um, h-help me up?" _Oh my god, I'm stuttering, kill me now._

He just chuckled. "Sure, KK." I slid the covers off as far as I could and managed to sit up, dangling my legs off the side and resting my hand over my rib. He felt for my hand in the dark and I led his, one to my knee, the other to my neck. A grunt of effort escaped his lips when he lifted me off the bed, carrying my damaged body to the ladder. I locked my arms tightly around his neck and he managed somehow to get to the top, leaving me to slide onto the mattress. It was a slow process that left him short of breath.

"How the fuck did you do that before?" I asked, clenching then loosening my fists to release the tension in my knuckles.

"I don't know, but if you need anything, don't get out of bed for it — I'd rather go get it for you than carry your ath' back and forth."

"Wow, that means a lot coming from the laziest guy I know," I teased. We laughed a bit before he disappeared into his own bed. I settled into mine and fell asleep in seconds.

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**Review please, I love reading them and I always try to respond ^-^**


	4. Midnight Escapades

**Author's Note: Guys. Guys. I haven't updated in forever. Like, a month. I can't even. I blame summer school. Fuck that shit. Hard. Up the ass. Preferably with something extremely sharp. That aside, FINALLY Chapter Five. Can I just say, I am painfully nervous about uploading this chapter because of my sick brain and painful ship desires. Is it weird that I would find this flattering/attractive as fuck if I was in Karkat's position? Also, I borrowed that one line, "NOPE, NOT GOING TO THINK THAT," from another fic. I think it might be pacattack777's Until We Say Goodnight (I'm not entirely sure on that, but even if it's not, you should go read it anyway because it's beautiful uwu). Hope you don't mind I used that, I just think that line is hilarious.**

**So. My laptop broke. I'm just gonna keep writing on my shitty ancient desktop computer and wait for my laptop to either be replaced or fixed, preferably the former (my laptop is such a piece of shit, I can't even turn the brightness down [update: it got fixed, not replaced, but they might have also fixed every other issue? I can't be certain yet because they didn't fucking update so at the current point in time {between chapters 13 and 14}, I can't even so much as play Solitaire, let alone connect to the internet]). Psst, also, if you guys want to follow me on Tumblr, my URL is katgirl28888. I don't post about chapter updates or anything, but I do reblog a lot of Homestuck shit and, basically, my blog is really small and pointless and shitty, but you should follow me anyway and send me asks and shit.**

**Without further ado, Chapter Four. Don't hate me.**

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Since the latest attack, I'd become a much lighter sleeper than I'd ever been, and the evidence was everywhere; Sollux's alarm would wake me up at dawn when normally he wouldn't shake me awake until after he'd showered. Once I woke up, I couldn't go back to sleep, either. I tried, but rest never came before I was supposed to be awake. Every morning went the same; Sollux's alarm, Sollux's shower, my pretending to be asleep, Sollux's waking me up, and then Sollux's bustling in and out, getting ready for his morning class and occasionally attempting to make groggy conversation. Before he left, he would hand me my laptop and I'd get to work on whatever schoolwork I could. Since he went to the same school as me, Sollux had explained my situation to my professors, thankfully being as vague as he could about the cause of my injury. Much to his chagrin, he'd been assigned the role of homework delivery boy — a job he only grudgingly agreed to, for my sake. It had only been four days since he'd taken me to the doctor, and by the end of Saturday, I felt more exhausted than I'd been in a long time, so I decided to go to bed early.

I snapped awake at his soft whisper beneath me, and I froze when pain shot over my rib cage. "KK?" It was still dark out, so Sollux must have known I was asleep. My first instinct was to respond, but something through my sleepy haze and painfully shallow breathing kept me silent. His tone didn't sound urgent enough to warrant waking me up, but at the same time, I didn't think he'd do it without reason. Nonetheless, I didn't answer him, even when he repeated the two letters full-volume. Be it the distracting pains in my chest, my sleep-deprived brain not making connections, or my lack of ability to obtain breath, I never quite got around to saying anything. I'm not entirely sure I tried, either; I was curious what he wanted from me in the middle of the night, but I was just as interested in what he'd do if he didn't get a reaction. I heard an unexpectedly pleased sigh and a low creak as he sank into his mattress. "Good."

At this point, I just closed my eyes and let my tensed muscles relax, thinking he was just going to go to sleep. "The lath't thing I need ith' him hearing me." They shot open again when he spoke. A few seconds later, he whimpered. Steeling myself to get up, I stopped when his two-letter nickname for me came out again in a strained grunt. He panted and soon after, I realized what he was doing. I almost wished I hadn't woken up at his first whisper, but the feeling disappeared when I started listening to him. A shudder of desire ran down my spine when I imagined myself being the _cause_ of those noises. I tried to stop it, but I couldn't get the image out of my mind; I knelt on my knees in front of him, hands keeping his hips pinned against the brick façade of a dark alley while my head bobbed around his erection. My mind transported us into the shower and I could see perfect rivulets of water streaming down his pale, taut skin. His hands were tangled in my hair, forcing my head back, and his teeth were worrying away at my neck and sanity. Suddenly the bright tiles disappeared in favor of Sollux's soft, goose-down stuffed comforter. We were tangled up in it and our moans were creating a gorgeous, symphonic cacophony. I heard his voice from below me and my imagination easily worked it into my fantasy.

"K-Karkat..."

_Wait, what?!_

Sollux was touching himself. Playing with himself. He was _touching himself._ And he was... thinking of... _me._ Sollux was touching himself to the thought of me. I was stunned for a few seconds. My brain was on hyperdrive, but my heart only seemed to be beating once every ten seconds. I had no choice but to lie in silence while time passed in slow motion. "KK... f-fuck... that feelth' th'o good." Another shiver seized my body and even more erotic pictures floated through my mind. I saw Sollux holding his naked body over mine, hands on the pillow on either side of my head and ecstasy-swollen lips caressing mine. Images could only do so much, but even so, it wasn't long before the pressure at my crotch started aching. _Shit, I can't just jerk off here! I'm not exactly... the_ quietest _of people... fuck._

I decided to wait for him to for him to finish before going to deal with my own problem. Unfortunately, that meant I had to listen to him finish. It didn't take long; the way he was moaning made me think he wanted to get it out of the way as soon as possible. "KK... K-Karkat... I-I'm gonna—!" The action I'm sure he was going to announce was cut off by him doing just that, complete with incredibly provocative moan and a grunt like nothing I've ever heard. A soft thump was heard and I knew he'd fallen back onto his covers, panting like he'd just run a marathon. After a minute or two, he yanked a tissue out of the box on the nightstand and threw it away just seconds later.

Then he started talking to himself.

It wasn't something he'd never done before. I'd heard him often enough, rummaging through the cabinets for cereal, flicking through channels only to settle on G4, like he always did. But I'd never heard him like this. Sollux' voice was so low... so smooth, even with his lisp. It flowed through my ears and mesmerized me, heightening my arousal further. "Jeth'uth', that was... amath'ing... and wrong. Th'o, th'o fuckin' wrong. What the fuck ith' wrong with me? Thith' ith' th'o th'ick. I am th'uch a fucking th'ick perth'on. Thank god KK'th' th'uch a heavy-th'leeper, otherwith'e I'd never get away with thith'. It'th' not like I should be doing thith' in the firth't plath'e. I mean, KK'th already told me he'th' not gay, he th'aid it th'traight to my fath'e even. It'th' not going to do me any good to fantath'ith'e about him. I shouldn't be doing thith'. I should not be doing thith'. It'th' th'o wrong. I juth't... can't help myth'elf, I gueth. Thith' really ith' the cloth'eth't I'm going to get, th'o I may ath' well enjoy it." He sighed and pushed himself off the bed, and I listened as his footsteps faded into the bathroom.

I let out the pent-up breath I didn't know I was holding and gasped at the slight pain. By the time I'd collected myself again, Sollux had walked back in, panting breaths gone and shuffling steps a lot more sleepy. Even when he fell into his bed, I waited until his breaths evened out further to start the slow, painful journey off the top bunk. Sollux grunted, only slightly reminiscent of the grunt I'd heard before. He sounded groggy as fuck when he spoke again. "KK? Where are you going?"

Hoping he was too out of it to see through my lie, I said, "I need to take a shower."

"In the middle of the night?" _Shit. Think fast._

"I don't feel good."

"Oh. M'kay." He melted into his sheets, his voice coming out muffled by the pillow. "Let me know if you need help or anything. I'll try not to look." Shaking my head in disbelief at his offer, I maneuvered the last step to the floor and slowly hobbled to the bathroom, a hand held gingerly over my rib. True to my word, I turned on the shower, leaving it at its coldest. _It's better than trying to keep my mouth shut when I know for a fact that I can't,_ I thought miserably.

I knew I couldn't, too. My mom gave me "the talk" just a few days after I touched myself sexually for the first time. Don't get me wrong, I loved my mom, but at that moment, I had wanted to be _anywhere_ else. Especially considering she left me with a bottle of lube and the words, "Just try to keep it down, okay, Karkat?"

Believe me when I say I tried; it just wasn't enough, no matter how quiet I thought I was being. One time at a family dinner, my adopted little sister Nepeta spoke up. She was only ten, so she didn't quite know what she was talking about, which made it that much worse when she said it in the company of not only my parents, but my aunt and cousin, too. "Hey, hey, Aunt 'Rezi, guess what! Guess what I heard! I heard Karkitty yelling at something earlier. He was kind of groaning and growling at it. He sounded upset, like really, _really_ upset. I could hear him from inside my room! I couldn't tell what he was saying though. I think he said—" Her voice dropped into a whisper for an instant before she brought it back to its normal volume. _"—the f-word_ a few times, but I couldn't hear anything else." My face flushed bright red and I, luckily sitting right next to her, practically slapped my hand over her mouth before she could continue.

They all looked at me curiously, and I quickly explained, lying, of course, "I was playing a video game and I died and I hadn't saved in a while, that's all."

"But you were moaning for a really long time!" I shot the ten year old a death glare that would have been terrifying on any face but mine. The adults exchanged raised eyebrows and my cousin shot me a knowing grin, and I took the opportunity to _hurriedly_ excuse myself from the table. My heart sank as I watched her follow suit just moments later and walk after me into my room.

"So," she began. "Karkat. I hear you're loud—"

"If you say one more fucking word, I swear to whatever god there may be, I will break my sickle out of its ornate little fucking case over there and I will _cut you in half with it._ Not another motherfucking word, Latula."

She laughed. "Calm down, _Karkitty,_ I was just teasing you."

"No shit."

"Oh, stop being a grumpy-puss." She tugged me — unwillingly, I might add — into a bear-hug, whispering into my ear, "Being loud is nothing to be embarrassed about. I'm loud. It's actually pretty radical, little dude."

I shoved her away from me furiously, my face even more red than it was before. _"Latula!"_ She grinned and started to exit the room.

"Don't worry, Karkles. I won't tell Mom... if I can help it." One infuriating laugh later, her overbearing presence could no longer be felt in room.

Oh, yes. I definitely couldn't keep my voice down. I knew it just as well as most of my family did. Thank god Trevor and I never _— NOPE, NOT GOING TO THINK THAT._ I had somehow managed to strip myself in my reveries, so I guess time for the inevitable had finally come. I glanced into the mirror first; what stared back was a scrawny twenty-something year old white kid with cuts and bruises and scars everywhere, none of which were self-inflicted — although both me and my reflection had often considered it. Dark brown hair was strewn messily over his head, touching just to the tip of his longest eyelashes and parting everywhere and nowhere all at once. This strangers wide eyes scanned me just as I scanned him, shining irises such a vibrant brown they could almost be considered red. Not quite as red as one of the college freshman's who was most likely asleep in the other room, but red all the same. Though most of the bruises had paled into barely-there swells of color now, a big, nasty, midnight blue splotch spread over his left rib.

And, of course, below all the lacerations and bruises scattered over his bony frame, he sported a raging boner.

I sighed and turned away from the mirror, simultaneously pleased and disgusted with my reflection. I felt I might be considered attractive if it weren't for my slight overbite or my unnervingly bright eyes or the mess of brown I called hair or the marks of weakness covering every square inch of my skin. Scars and bruises and cuts were nothing to be proud of. They weren't something to be idolized or valued. They weren't marks of honor. They were extra, permanent baggage that told stories of the past I wanted nothing more than to forget. They were disgusting; pathetic, even. Nasty, horrible, loathsome things. I didn't want Sollux to see them, ever. I'd put up with him teasing me for wearing a shirt when I went swimming. I'd put up with him laughing at me for refusing to change in the same room as him, even after we'd known each other for so long. Hell, I'd even put up with him making fun of me for wearing turtlenecks in the dead heat of summer. I'd put up with it all if it meant these scars could hide their secrets. Not that I didn't know he had his suspicions; I'd be surprised if he didn't. But the longer I hid them, the better.

Taking a deep, inadvertently painful breath, I stepped into the shower and lurched for the faucet upon impact. "Fuck, shitting hell, _goddamn_ that is fucking _cold!"_ I whispered to myself, turning it up just a bit. Fifteen minutes later, I made my way out of the shower, boner-free. The skin on my arms and legs and pretty much everywhere else it could be was raised with goosebumps, despite having let hot water run over my skin for a few minutes before getting out. I quickly toweled myself off and put my pajamas back on before exiting the bathroom. Sollux was fast asleep, which was okay considering I was at least awake enough to not make climbing to the top bunk a bigger ordeal than it needed to be. Five more minutes and I was under my comforter again. I passed out before I even knew I was nodding off.

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**Review, pretty please~**


	5. Something To Do With Pizza…

**Author's Note: Do you even fucking know how much shit I had to learn to write this fucking chapter? I had to learn about fucking Oklahoma guys. I had to research the movie/documentary thing Bully to find out where Kelby lived to find an incredibly homophobic community that would justify Karkat's terror of coming out. Then Tuttle, OK was too tiny to have a shitting college, so I had to find a college I could justify sending them both to, and the nearest was DeVry in ****Oklahoma** City. Then I had to mentally map out the area **_perfectly_**** so that I could make sense of Karkat's anger. And then I had to find out what fucking pizza places there are in Oklahoma City because I was dead-set on them attempting to get pizza. Then I had to get directions from the pizza place, which I've never been to before, so forgive me if I got the method of ordering or whatever wrong, to the address I mentally set for them to see how long it would take to walk back. And I still need to find the hospital to see if it justifies Karkat being able to have fallen asleep in the car on the way. This is far more effort than I've ever put into a fic. No, that's wrong. You don't understand; this is far more effort than I've ever put into ****_anything_****. I don't work this hard on my ****_homework_****. I hope you pricks are happy. Enjoy your fucking chapter. Bitches. (JK I love you guys. You make me feel like a real author! ^-^)**

**Tl;dr, I had to do more research for this chapter than I've ever done for anything ever, so enjoy your knowledgeable chapter. Also, sorry if I got anything wrong. I'm obviously really trying not to.**

**Speaking of research, astrapophobia, also known as astraphobia, is the fear of lightning and thunder, in case you were too fucking lazy to Google it yourself.**

**Okay, normally I wouldn't do this, but I'm gonna give you guys a song for this chapter. It's by possibly the most amazing singer I've ever had the fortune to listen to and actually talk to. Just go to jasoniscariot on Bandcamp (URLs work the same way as Tumblr) and play "And So He Screams." Don't listen to it from the beginning of the chapter, though. Start it when Sollux gets home. And also listen to the rest of Case's songs because they're beautiful and intense in the best way.**

**Also, sorry for the wait. I meant to have this out a few days ago, but there's something wrong with my laptop, so I had to type a lot of it out on my android using a very temperamental Google Drive app. Also my laptop's broken. I'm having my boyfriend update for me because he's wonderful, so all of you leave a review thanking him. Love you, Lucas :) Also, thank Kristina because she was a huge help, too. I have the best friends.**

**Fun Fact: I actually made the Captor-Vantas family in The Sims 3. They're both beautiful except for Sollux's hair.**

**And finally, I leave you with Chapter Five. Enjoy and review, please~**

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The next day was uneventful. In my boredom, time seemed to stagnate, frozen and entirely unbreakable. The only certainty I had that it wasn't stopped completely was the consistent rise and fall of the sun. I didn't say anything differently to Sollux than I normally would have, despite what I'd witnessed the previous night. He didn't act any differently to me than he normally would, despite what he'd done the previous night. It led me to believe that was something he'd done before. I had to admire his bravery in having done it even once, although it was slightly disconcerting that I'd slept through it in the past. At the same time, it was undeniably sexy and I found myself hoping he'd accidentally wake me up in the middle of the night with a quietly whispered nickname.

Regardless of the interest of the one night, time crawled incessantly and so began weeks turmoil involving sitting uncomfortably on my mattress, playing Minecraft and Grand Theft Auto and The Sims 3 whenever I could get away with it amidst literal piles of school work, while my roommate watched TV-for-nerds in the living room and brought me meals. In other words, normal everything except I was bed-bound. It was hell to get to the bathroom when Sollux wasn't around, and I cursed my inability to sleep in anyone's bed but my own every second of every agonizing minute I spent just climbing up and down to and from the top bunk. The stress from having to do mountains of work I hadn't learned yet was overwhelming, but I managed to deal with it without going batshit insane or stir-crazy or any of that shit. Though, I had to admit, being homestuck was starting to get to me. I practically had to beg Sollux to let me leave the house, but he flat out refused, and, for as much of a selfish, independent asshole as I was, I knew leaving alone was a horrible idea. In the third week of my bedridden recovery, when I could start to walk around without something to hold on to, I'd finally pestered him enough that he agreed to us having dinner at Hideaway Pizza.

"What do you want?" he asked, still looking at the menu.

"Uh... I don't know. Just get a large of whatever you're getting."

"Okay, well, I'm getting juth't plain cheeth'e, th'o if you want any toppingth', you're going to have to th'ay th'omething about it."

"Nah, cheese is fine."

"'Kay." I saw him glance at me out of the corner of my eye. I looked back at him and he said softly, "How's your side holding up?"

"Sollux. I'm fine. Don't fucking fuss over me, alright?" I growled, hoping, wishing, _praying_ he'd stop making a big deal out of it.

Rather than heeding my silent pleas, he scowled. "I know you say you're fine, but I also know you well enough to know that you'll say you're fine even when you are the exact fucking opposite of _fine_, KK."

I sighed. I sighed because he was right and the argument was pointless and we both knew it. "Well, I'm fine right now, so you can just fuck right the hell off and buy me pizza, dammit."

He chuckled a bit but didn't reply because it was his turn to order. Soon enough, we were sitting across from each other in a two-person booth with a number on the edge of the table, chatting while we waited for our pizza.

We ended up with just a large cheese and a soda each. Sollux was ranting about some game he played earlier, going over the various ways he could improve it if he wanted to. "Why don't you improve it, then?" I asked, taking a sip of my Mountain Dew. I knew he could. He was better at coding and technology and shit like that than I could ever be, even though we were in the same class and he _tried_ to get me to believe that I wasn't as shit at is as I was. I still was, though. It was a simple, irrefutable fact.

"I don't know. Th'ome combination of th'chool and not having the proper th'oftware and every th'pare th'econd of my time th'pent taking care of the newly crippled ath'hole I call a roommate," he snarked back. I frowned indignantly.

"'Scuse me for a broken rib, dude. You should quit taking care of this crippled asshole and just fix your shitty game if it's that big a deal to you."

"Oh, right, and leave you marooned on your bed? You'd be begging for food come nightfall. Fat chanth'e."

"I've gotten on and off of that thing without your help plenty of times. You're not—"

"Why?"

"'Cause I had to take a shit?" I offered with a growl. "Oh, no, I just felt like walking around and climbing ladders and other physical activities like that that make complete sense in this situation."

He rolled his eyes. "I_ meant_ why didn't you call me for help?"

"Yeah, Sollux, I'm totally gonna call and have you ditch class to help me get to the bathroom. _Fat chanth'e_," I mimicked.

"Maybe I like making sure you're okay, ath'hat. A little conth'ideration would be nith'e." His voice dropped and he looked away, a bit crestfallen.

"'Oh, hey, Sollux, just called to let you know I gotta take a dump. Hope you're having a great day, okay, bye!' That what you're looking for?" Crush or not, he had no right to act like I was incompetent. If taking him down a few notches meant snapping that attitude out of him, who was I to say no?

He just glared at me. "Yeah, KK, that'th' ekth'-fucking-zactly what I want. Shoot me a call after too, tell me how it went. I wanna know all the _nath'ty_ details." He sighed, letting his head hit the table in defeat before straightening up. "I juth't want to make sure I'm not gonna come home and find you path'ed out on the goddamn floor, not breathing becauth'e you fell off that idiotic ladder and th'tabbed your fucking rib into your fucking lung! Th'o yeah, th'orry I worried. You obviouth'ly have every lath't fucking thing under control in your dainty, delicate little handth'. Juth't keep on crawling down that wonderful path life has laid down for you like no one elth'e on thith' fuck-forsaken planet ith' worth giving half a fuck about like you alwayth' do, becauth'e that'th' juth't what everyone needth', ith'n't it, juth't a little bit more _anger_—" Whatever he was about to say was cut off when my fist connected with his cheek from across the table.

I froze for a minute. He may have sounded condescending and acted like an ungrateful, whiny shit about helping me while I was injured, but he really did care. He just had a strange, infuriating way of showing it. But whether he cared or not was of little importance to me when his words stung as much as they did. I pulled my fist back to my side of the table and balled the other hand up as well, leaning on them both as I held myself up. Sollux's head whipped towards me and a small part of me wanted to apologize. So much more of me, however, had lit a roaring fire of rage, and I let that take precedence. I dropped my voice to a violent whisper and asked with a sneer, "How'd that 'dainty, delicate little hand' feel, dipshit?"

His eyes smoldered in fury while I pushed myself out of the booth, making sure to swipe the keys from the table before I stood. "Enjoy the pizza, asscunt. I'm going home. Have fun walking!" I shouted cheerily from the door, a transparent grin on my face. I managed to actually buckle myself in before the guilt hit me — and it hit hard, something reminiscent of a wheelbarrow full of cement falling from a scaffolding five stories up.

I tried not to think of how cold it was outside, or how long he'd have to walk in it without a jacket if he didn't get a ride home, or how pissed he'd be at me, or how he'd probably end up crashing at Feferi's place because he wouldn't be able to stand looking at me because I'm a fucking asshole. Those are the things I tried (failed) to not think about as I drove home. Along with the pain in my side, the distractions almost left me on the curb a few times.

Still, I managed to get home in one piece, mind heavy with regret and knuckles sore from clenching the steering wheel so tightly. I squinted down the dark sidewalk in the hope that I'd see Sollux walking up it, but somewhere in the back of my mind, I knew he couldn't have walked so far in less than ten minutes.

I went back inside, still starving and now alone on top of it. I sighed, walking to the kitchen and pulling out a box of cereal. Going back to my room, I tossed the box on Sollux's bed and heaved myself into it, grabbing my laptop and moving some files around so the save game I wanted would show up. I grabbed the Grand Theft Auto case and put the disk in, waiting for the Sims 3 launcher to pop up. I had to hide my favorite family in case Sollux ever got curious and went rummaging through my games. That was definitely something I didn't want him to find.

I played nearly an hour of the family I made of Sollux and me and steadily ate away at the Lucky Charms throughout, so I wasn't surprised when I reached my hand into the bag for another handful and found only crumbs. Growling to myself, I prepared myself to stand up and throw the box away when I heard the front door open. I hastily slammed my laptop shut and tossed it on my bed as quickly as I could without hurting myself too badly. Then I pushed myself to my feet and, snatching up the now empty box of cereal, walked as unsuspectingly into the kitchen as I could manage. His voice stopped me halfway across the room.

"Good night for a walk, don't you think?"

I forced myself to keep walking as I answered. "A bit chilly."

"Oh, yeah. Juth't a bit. But you wouldn't know anything about that, would you, KK?"

"Aheh, no, I can't say that I would." I unintentionally yawned, but it gave me an idea. "Jeez, I am tired, I think I'm gonna hit the hay."

"Oh, are you now? Need th'ome help climbing into bed, or — oh, no, wait, you can do it all by yourth'elf. Th'orry." He paused. "_I forgot_."

I whipped around. "Alright, Sollux, look, if you've got a fucking problem with me, why don't you just fucking _say_ it instead of making snide jabs at me like I'm too oblivious to notice."

"Alright, yeth', KK, I have a fucking problem. My problem ith' that I care about you. My problem ith' that I give a shit if I come home to a dead roommate becauth'e he wath' too fucking th'tubborn to ath'k for help, becauth'e he careth' more about hith' pride than he doeth' hith' life. When are you gonna th'top caring what I think of you and ath'k me to help you inth'tead? I don't want to loth'e you, KK. Ath'king me to help you with th'omething ith' not going to lower my opinion of you, no matter what. I'll alwayth' be your friend, even when you act like a th'elfish prick. There'th' my problem." I was stunned. Frozen in place. Everything he said made sense. Everything he said made me feel like an even bigger piece of shit than I knew I already was.

Instead of letting him know that, however, I forced my numbed legs into action and stalked into the bedroom, climbing slowly up the ladder. I was under the covers by the time he entered the room. I listened silently as he slumped down in his mattress. His heavy sigh met my ears as he switched off the desklamp and pulled his covers over him.

Minutes passed. My mind, hating me like it does, felt this was a wonderful time to dissect exactly how shitty a friend I was: I kept secrets when he told me everything. I lied to his face while he was sometimes brutally honest. I sincerely doubted I deserved as good a friend as him. He was considerate, kind, handsome, careful, everything I... wasn't. I felt like such a piece of shit for hitting him earlier, and even worse for keeping a huge secret after I'd told him I wouldn't. So I decided to do something about it, and doing something started with apologizing. I was laying on my left side, which hurt like a bitch but made breathing slightly easier, so my voice was kind of muffled by the wall when I spoke. "Sorry, Sollux." He did nothing to indicate that he heard me, so I cleared my throat and tried again. "I'm sorry."

He growled. "Not likely."

"I really am."

"What are you th'orry about? Becauth'e I'm having a _real_ hard time finding any honeth'ty or genuine meaning in your wordth'." My heart sunk somewhere into my stomach.

I swallowed hard. "I'm sorry that everything you said was true."

The bed creaked underneath him and I wondered what he was doing. "What do you mean?" he asked hesitantly, his voice just a little bit closer.

"I_ am_ a selfish prick. I _do_ let my pride get the best of me, and I hate to admit to myself, much less anyone else, that I need help with anything. I don't say anything about it because I care what you think about me, and I care what you think about me because I don't want to lose you and I really care about you... a-as a friend," I added as a second thought. "I'm sorry I'm such a shitty friend. I'm sorry I lied to you about so much, and I'm sorry I'm still lying, and I'm sorry I'm such a fucking pussy because I can't work up the balls to tell you something I've known for years and never breathed an honest word to you about. And I'm so fucking sick of it, you know that? I'm so fucking done."

"KK, I—"

"No," I cut him off. "I need to say this now." Rain I hadn't noticed until now beat down on the roof and the window, and a flash of lightning colored the room white for an instant. Sollux gasped below me and a twinge of regret stopped my mouth. _Oh shit. Sollux has astrapophobia. He's scared shitless right now, isn't he? _"Sollux...?" Rather than replying, he whimpered softly. "Sollux," I repeated, a new urgency in my tone, "you need to come up here. I can't get to you right now." Thunder cracked and he whined again, practically leaping off his bed and gripping the ladder with every ounce of strength he had. "Come on, Sollux, just climb up. It's nothing you haven't done before," I murmured soothingly, looking down at him from the edge of my bed. He nodded and swallowed so hard I could hear it as he vaulted himself up the few footholds. He almost cracked his head into mine, but I managed to wrench myself back before he did.

When I recovered, I looked ahead to find him on all fours, looking down and panting slightly. His eyes widened and he clenched the sheet between his fingers when another flash brightened the walls. Wordlessly, I put a hand on his shoulder. He instantly pushed himself forward and nestled into the curve of my arm. The thunder rolled and he curled into himself. I didn't say anything; I didn't need to. This was hardly something we hadn't done before, and I doubted it wouldn't be something we'd do again. So I held him like I'd done countless times before, and I secretly reveled in how nice it was to hold him._ He doesn't need to know yet_, I decided._ Not tonight._

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**Review, pretty please with a cherry on top~**


	6. Movie Marathons and Bowling

**Author's Note: Once again, I'm just going to say how much I ****_REALLY HATE OKLAHOMA._**** Why am I doing this? I had to learn about bowling alleys. Really? I had to read ****_reviews_**** for bowling alleys in Oklahoma City. I'm so done with everything.**

**Also, spoiler warning, Important plot points are revealed about The Little Mermaid.**

**...I say that like there are people who haven't seen The Little Mermaid. I mean, honestly, who ****_hasn't_**** seen The Little Mermaid?**

***sheepishly raises my hand* YOU PUT THAT HAND DOWN RIGHT THIS INSTANT.**

**Ahem. Chapter Six, enjoy and review~**

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I woke up warm but sore and lay still for a minute, basking in the comfortable heat, before trying to sit up. I failed miserably and looked over to figure out why; the answer came in the form of Sollux, who was sleeping heavily on my right arm. It took me a minute to remember why. The rain pattering — albeit much lighter — against the window soon jogged my memory. I tried not to think too much about what I was doing as I curled up next to the taller male and promptly fell back to sleep.

When I woke up again, I was warm in a different way and a bit disappointed to be able to roll onto my left side unrestrained. It wasn't anything out of the ordinary for me to wake up next to my roommate. It wasn't exactly a common occurrence, either, but it was something I'd come to expect after years of sleepovers under stormy skies. I blinked away my thoughts and wondered briefly where he'd gone until I heard a thump and a loud swear coming from the bathroom. I smiled to myself and gradually worked my way out from under the covers, deciding it was about time I woke up. Sollux apparently thought the same about exiting the bathroom, seeing as the door opened the instant I sat up.

"Mornin', KK," he called, words stifled by the toothbrush resting between his teeth.

I checked the clock before answering, which read only **8:27.** "You're up early on a Saturday," I remarked.

"Th'ame to you," he replied, returning to the bathroom. The sink spurted into life and he came out a moment later, towling off his mouth with the washrag around his neck. "What are you doing up th'o early, anyway? You're not really a morning person."

"Not arguing with you there," I replied, holding back a yawn and stretching as gently as I could. "I don't know. I just kind of woke up." He looked at me curiously. "You wanna do something today?"

"Sure, KK, 'cauth'e that worked _th'o_ well yeth'terday." I cringed at his words, but he didn't notice because he'd turned to toss the towel back into the bathroom.

"You forget, Sollux, yesterday wouldn't have gone to shit if you hadn't gone off on me about an injury I had nothing to do with," I stated irately, crossing my arms.

"Ah, and that'th' where you're wrong. You did have th'omething to do with it, and you could have prevented it if you'd th'wallowed your damn pride and told me about it in the firth't plath'e, th'o don't give me that malarky."

I snickered at his use of the word "malarky." It sounded childish and really cute coming from him. My enjoyment was cut short when I actually thought about his words. He retreated into the bathroom yet again and I thought about what I was gonna say. "Y-You're—" My voice came out quiet and squeaky, so I cleared my throat and tried again. "You're not still mad about that, right? I mean, we're still friends, aren't we?"

His head appeared in the doorway and he stared at me with the most incredulous expression I'd seen on him in a while. "Yeah, we're th'till friendth', dumbath'. What, did you think I'm juth't gonna th'uddenly hate you becauth'e I th'aid th'ome dick-ish shit to you that may or may not have been true? Dream on. You're not shaking me looth'e that eath'ily. Beth'ideth', I didn't take my medth' yeth'terday, th'o I realize I may have been a bit more of an ath' than usual. Juth't by a little, though," he snorted, removing his presence from the bedroom yet again. His voice came from the doorway, echoed by the magic of bathrooms that manages to amplify every noise a hundredfold. "Conth'idering thith' th'ort of converth'ation ith' what led to your mental breakdown lath't night, I'm going to take initiative and change the th'ubject before we de-eth'calate into blowth' again."

"You're a sassy son of a bitch, you know that?" I deadpanned.

"Of fucking courth'e I know that, KK. I am the Th'ath' Math'ter, goddammit." I broke into laughter, stifling it quicker than I would have liked due to the pain shooting up my side. It wasn't very often that I found things in life worth laughing at, so I took my pleasure where I could. Sollux popped out of the bathroom once more and shot me one of his trademark crooked grins, and I couldn't help but smile back. "But, I gueth' th'inth'e you're th'o hell-bent on leaving the houth'e, I _th'uppose_ I can bring myth'elf to do th'omething with you."

I glanced out the window. "I never said I wanted to leave the house, asswipe, have you looked outside lately? It's raining. The shit are we gonna do?" I shook my head. "I was thinking something more along the lines of a movie marathon."

"I'm gonna th'top you right there, KK. There'th' not a th'nowball'th' chanth'e in hell that I'm gonna watch any of your shitty romcomth' with you."

"We don't have to watch a romcom, shitface," I shouted indignantly.

"Oh, _really?_ Ith' that th'o? Alright then, O Great Math'ter of Movieth', tell me: what _are_ we going to watch?" I opened my mouth to shoot him a quick answer, but soon found I couldn't think of anything to say and instead sat there opening and closing my mouth like a fish out of water. "That'th' what I thought. If you want to watch _any_ movie with me, you have to help me th'et up, I get to pick the genre, _and_ we watch both my movieth' firth't." I grumbled unintelligibly for a bit and eventually muttered something that could have been taken as acceptance of his terms if he so wished; in other words, I was excited as fuck. It had been forever since we'd gotten to have a movie marathon. I managed to climb off the top bunk by myself with two pillows in hand, even though Sollux had been watching me dubiously throughout the entire descent. I flipped him off as I jumped off the last step and reached up to grab my eggplant purple comforter from the mattress. He did the same with his puce one and stuffed two of his pillows under his arms as well.

I jog-sprinted out to the couch and tossed all my shit on it before rushing over to the windows to draw the blinds against the gray morning. Sollux followed more slowly, dropping his bedding on top of mine and going about spreading it out over the sofa. It wasn't long until the room was dark and the couch was a veritable blanket nest. "Alright," I began, walking into the kitchen, "you know the drill." We had a simple rule for movie marathons; we each picked two movies, but we couldn't tell each other what they were. We only said what genre we'd chosen so that the other could pick two to match.

While I put the popcorn in the microwave, he stated possibly the only genre that could have surprised me, aside from romcoms; "Dith'ney cartoonth'." I choked on air and coughed a bit for effect, which I then regretted because my false coughing quickly faded into real coughing and made my side hurt like a motherfucker. I recovered myself and stared at him.

"Hold the fucking phone; you're kidding, right? You have got to be shitting me. We're watching _Disney_ movies? Disney _cartoons? _Like, kids movies? You're gonna sit through _four_ cartoon movies?" I didn't even try to keep the astonishment out of my tone.

"Yeth', I'm going to th'it through four Dith'ney movieth'." I blinked at him. "What? There'th' nothing wrong with Dith'ney movieth'. Beth'ideth', it'th' been forever th'inth'e I've th'een any."

"I thought you hated Disney movies," I managed eventually.

"Th'ayth' who? I never th'aid that. I juth't don't get a chanth'e to watch them very often." I shook my head, still astounded at his choice, and turned my attention back to the popcorn. Hitting the preset, I walked back into the living room and leaned against the entertainment center.

"Alright, then. Pick your movies, I guess."

"Okay. Unleth' you have a problem with Dith'ney...?" he added hesitantly.

"No, no, I-I'm just... shocked, is all." He grinned and turned to the rack, picking out his movies. He tapped me on the shoulder to let me know I could choose mine while he put his first in. Minutes later, we were settled on the couch, a bowl of popcorn between us and our shoulders pressed together with a blanket wrapped around us. The movie Sollux had chosen was one of our few VHSes, so I immediately dug into the popcorn as he fastforwarded the obsolete previews. The popped kernels were still warm. Warm popcorn was the best.

He and I sank farther into the couch when the movie actually began, and I was pleasantly surprised to hear the introductory song for The Aristocats. About an hour and a half later, he put in his next movie. Once again, he surprised me with Lady and the Tramp 2: Scamp's Adventure. By the time we got to Snow White and the Seven Dwarves, I was half asleep and shamelessly resting with my head on his shoulder, and when The Little Mermaid came to life on the screen, my eyes were closed and only the pain in my side from awkward position kept me awake; I'd fallen part way onto Sollux's lap and was simultaneously leaning against his chest. I didn't even register his arms wrap around me as I faded into unconsciousness.

When I awoke for the third time that day, I found myself resting where I didn't remember falling asleep. I had to admit, though, Sollux's bed was unfairly comfortable. Even more comfortable, however, was the man himself sleeping practically underneath me. I glanced toward the window and instead found my blanket draped over the railing, blocking whatever light there was from the curtainless glass. Turning my head, I looked instead for the alarm clock. **3:48.** I was about to give up on life and just go back to sleep when my stomach growled loudly. _Oh. Right,_ I recalled. _The only thing I've eaten today was half a bowl of popcorn._ I groaned and slid my feet off the bed until they hit the carpet. Stretching carefully as I sat up, I used the edge of the upper bunk to pull myself to my feet. I was about to wake Sollux when I glanced back and found him blinking up at me from the pillow.

"Rise and shine, Sleeping Beauty," I teased. He smirked and I snapped my fingers. "Damn, I should have chosen Sleeping Beauty instead of The Little Mermaid." Sollux snorted in laughter and pushed me forward, climbing out of the bed after me.

"Yeah, becauth'e you would have been awake to watch it," he stated as he walked out of the room.

I stared after him. "What do you mean?" I distinctly remembered watching our last movie, down to the fireflies in the background when Sebastian sang Kiss The Girl.

He told me simply, "You fell ath'leep, KK."

"I... what?" I asked dumbfounded, following him into the kitchen. "But... no, I didn't. I clearly remember watching The Little Mermaid."

"Really? Well, I have to th'ay, my friend, that ith' complete and utter horth'eshit you're trying to feed me, becauth'e you were path'ed out cold, dead to the motherfucking world. If you do remember watching it, it wath'n't from thith' marathon."

"No way, I was totally awake. Triton destroyed Ariel's shrine of human stuff and Ursula double-crossed Ariel and Eric killed Ursula and—"

"KK, let me reiterate; you fell ath'leep. It's none of my buth'ineth'—" _Shit, that's still cute as fuck._ "—if you have the movie memorized, but I can tell you with two hundred perth'ent th'ertainty that you were ath'leep before any of the shit you just mentioned came within twenty minuteth' of happening."

"Lies and fallacy," I declared, effectively ending the argument and deciding with, as Sollux so eloquently put it, two hundred percent certainty that I was fully conscious throughout the duration of the movie and he was just fucking with me.

"Whatever, KK," he chuckled. "Well, anyway, I don't know about you, but I am fucking _th'arving,_ and if there'th' anything I don't feel like doing right now, it'th' cooking. How you feel about take-out?"

"Fuck take-out. Just pour yourself some cereal, you'll survive. Better yet, pour us both some cereal, minus milk, and we can kick some ass in Baulder's Gate while we eat."

"That th'ounds fuckin' th'weet. Go th'et up the game. What do you want?"

"Whatever. Wait, no, not whatever, cereal can go fuck itself. Get the Medley."

"Fuck yeth'." Five minutes later, I'd loaded up our best save in Baulder's Gate: Dark Alliance II. I was Allessia, the Human Cleric, and Sollux was Ysuran, the Moon Elf Necromancer. To say the least, they were our best characters, and we were _Gods_ at what we did. Sollux had supplied us with the Medley, which was basically a huge bowl filled with whatever we could find; various cereals, crackers, chips, pretty much anything that looked good, paired with a two liter bottle of Root Beer.

It was seated on either side of a bowl of cabinet fillers with an open, half-empty bottle of soda resting in my lap, cross-legged in front of a fifty-two inch plasma on full volume while slaughtering goblins that we were found when Feferi, Nepeta, and Kanaya walked through the front door.

"Sollux?" I called around a mouthful of pretzel and dorito.

"Yeah, KK?" my roommate replied, snatching up the Root Beer from my lap and taking a gulp.

I crunched the chips and swallowed before stating calmly, still mostly focused on the Goblin King. "It's Saturday."

"Satur... well, shit," he answered, just as coolly.

"What on Earth are you two doing?"

I paused the game and turned around to find the ever-classy Ms. Maryam staring down at us from behind the couch. "Hi, Kanaya!" I waved cheerfully.

"Karkitty!" Within seconds of the loud cry, I found myself tackled against the couch.

I let out a noise akin to a hungry bear being suffocated and hugged my little sister back, subtly adjusting her arms so that they weren't crushing my ribs. "Hey, Nep."

"Well, looks like we're a bit late to the party! Oh well. The sooner we start, the better! I was excited to get started back at Kanaya's!"

"Nith'e to th'ee you, FF." Sollux stood and embraced the short indian girl. She jumped into his arms before he could move. "Oof! Jeez, when are you gonna get a haircut? Not to th'ay that I don't enjoy a mouthful of your hair every time I hug you, but you know." He grinned at her and she grinned back. "It'th' about damn time you guyth' got here, we were wath'ting away without you. KK, fetch my Root Beer, I feel the need to th'elebrate."

"Get it yourself, dickass," I yelled back, a rare smile gracing my lips.

"Aww, such a bad servent! I keep telling you to replace him, Pawlux~!"

"Thanks, Nepeta, good to know I'm loved."

The newly-turned-eighteen-year-old threw her arms around my neck again, choking me as she squealed, "Of course we love you, Karkat!" Kanaya smiled at me and I scowled back from somewhere between the couch cushions; she was standing just as tall and regal as she'd been when she arrived, watching in amusement at our greetings.

"Yes, Karkat, Nepeta's right. Where would we be without our perpetually angry friend?"

"Aren't you just a ray of sunshine," I replied, smirking in spite of myself.

"Same could be said about you, dear," she returned with a wink, turning to Feferi.

"Alright guys, it's already six-ten, let's shape our shit up and ship our asses _out!_ Our reservations are for six-thirty and they'll give our lane away if we're late." Sollux and I grabbed jackets and followed Feferi and the others out the door, leaving me to lock the door behind us.

That's right. It was Nepeta's eighteenth birthday party and she was dragging us out bowling.

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**Review, my loves~**


	7. Spaghetti Dinner, Anyone?

**Author's Note: You know, I didn't realize just how completely ****_done _****I was with HTML coding until I had to do it again. I am so fucking done.**

**I finally watched The Little Mermaid. It was adorable :33**

**You know what I'm really bad at? Updating on time. Or just update schedules in general, for that matter.**

**And here's Chapter Seven. You guys don't even realize how much fucking ****_effort_**** I put out for you. I want reviews, dammit.**

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"Wow, Karkat, you were really off your game tonight. I was totally expecting to get tackle-pounced by your mad skills!" Nepeta teased me as she followed me inside.

"Yeah, shut up, 'kay? Who's to say I wasn't letting you win as a special present?" I said half-honestly.

She gasped loudly and slapped her hands over her mouth. "Oh, don't say that! I was feeling so proud of myself! You're such a meanie!"

I tossed my jacket on the kitchen counter and turned to give the shocked teen a hug. "Hey, I was just kidding. I _was_ off my game. You won fair and square," I murmured softly into her ear. She humphed at me, but hugged me back all the same.

"You better have been," she grumbled. She was right, of course; I really _had_ been off my game. Under any other circumstances, I could _easily_ have trampled everyone into the ground, but I had to take it easy this time because of my injury. The others didn't know and that was how I intended to keep it. As soon as the truth came out, the questions would follow, questions I couldn't answer without inviting even more, much worse questions. My excuse for the night was that I had let Nepeta win. Luck was on my side as far as timing went, anyway. Any earlier in my healing process and I would have had to sit out, and then this little excursion would definitely have raised some eyebrows.

Sollux and Feferi were next through the door, the former listening intently while the latter chatted his ear off. I didn't bother eavesdropping long enough to figure out what she was talking about so vehemently. Instead, I waited for Kanaya to cross the threshold so I could close the door. Once she was inside, I turned to my roommate and waited for a break in their conversation. "Still not feeling much like cooking, Sollux? Medley's great and all, but it doesn't do much for hunger."

He groaned and rolled his eyes so hard his head followed. _"Fine._ I _gueth'_ I can cook th'omething. What all do you guyth' want?"

"I saw some spaghetti in the cabinet earlier," I offered with a shrug. "That good with everyone?" A chorus of yesses met my ears from the girls and I turned into the kitchen to start a big pot of water on the stove. I couldn't cook worth shit, and given the opportunity, I could probably find a way to burn water, so I left the cooking to Sollux and resigned myself to set up and clean up. Kanaya set her purse on the armchair in the living room and Feferi followed suit with her little handbag. They both then got the tablecloth out of the pantry and spread it over the dining room table while Nepeta got plates, napkins, and silverware from the kitchen. I was setting the stovetop to high and Sollux was getting the two boxes of pasta from the cabinet. The five of us had homemade dinners together so often, courtesy of Sollux, that set up rarely took longer than a couple minutes. As such, we were done before the water even warmed up.

Sollux leaned against the counter, waiting for the water to boil, and Feferi jointed him to continue their conversation. I added to the clean up effort going on in the living room. We'd left one hell of a mess after being ushered out of the house so quickly. "You know," I began, picking pieces of Chex Mix out of the rug, "I should be making you guys clean this up by yourself. It wouldn't look so bad in here if we hadn't been rushed out."

"Yes, Karkat, but considering you were the one who _made_ the mess, after all, it is only fair that you help us clean up after you... at the very least," Kanaya rationalized in her normal, snarky way.

"Shut your face, Kanaya, it's not my fault I forgot you were coming today."

"But you see, my dear Vantas, it _is_ your fault that _you_ forgot." I flipped her off and stood, looking around the room for any more signs of college-freshman-filth.

"Alright, we're done here," I announced. "Who's up for a round of Wii Tennis while Captor's cooking?" I heard a humph and a giggle from the kitchen, but ignored it and turned to Kanaya and Nepeta, who simply grinned at me. I couldn't keep the corners of my mouth from quirking up as I set up the Wii. Soon enough, Nepeta had demolished both me and Kanaya, forty-love, and Sollux had finished dinner, so we turned off the system and moved into the dining room.

Dinner was as enjoyable an event as it always was with the girls around. Somehow they always managed to coax a genuine laugh out of me, and I didn't find it hard to be myself around them. Too soon, however, they were gone and I was left with dish duty. Sollux snickered at me while disappearing into our bedroom, but I couldn't muster the willpower to raise a soapy finger in the general direction of his voice. As soon as the door clicked shut, I dried my hands, water still running to keep up appearances, and buried my head in my arms, collapsing against the counter. The sheer amount of energy it took to act like everything was okay was astounding, overwhelming, and I was all but completely spent. I stayed like that for a couple minutes until I heard the door open. I snapped upright and quickly snatched the paper towel I'd used to dry my hands off the tile counter. Holding it to my finger, I cursed under my breath as Sollux walked out.

"What happened to you?" he asked nonchalantly, walking to the fridge and pulling out a water bottle. _Why do we even have water bottles?_ I wondered. _We have a dispenser on the fridge, so it's pretty redundant to keep bottled water in the same fridge._ "KK?" I glanced at him; he had an eyebrow raised in my direction.

"Oh, uh, I nicked my finger on something," I lied. "It's not bleeding, but it hurts like a motherfucker."

"Uh-huh...," he nodded slowly, walking toward me. "Let me th'ee."

"Nah, it's okay. I'm fine." _Shit._

His eyes widened in realization. "You're not fine, are you? It'th' your rib, ith'n't it?" I ignored him and continued washing the dishes. "Dammit, KK, why are you th'o _difficult?"_ He sounded beyond exasperated.

"Just shut up about it, okay?" I muttered, looking away from him. "I'm just tired. It doesn't hurt, I _am_ fine, and not the kind of fine where I say I'm fine when I'm really the exact fucking opposite of fine, the kind of fine where I say I'm fine and _I really am fine._ Strange concept, huh?" He sighed and leaned back against the counter.

"Alright, whatever. If you th'ay you're fine, I gueth' you are." He paused for a minute and stared intently at his water, inspecting the lid like he had to memorize every ridge for his life. "I don't th'ee why it'th' th'uch a big deal to you, honeth'tly."

"I already explained this to you," I replied quietly, turning off the faucet and drying my hands again.

"You alth'o th'aid there wath' th'omething you wanted to tell me." I froze. "Th'omething you haven't been able to th'ay before."

On the outside, I was cool, calm, collected; no different from him. But on the inside, I was a complete and utter mess. I didn't think he'd remember that after lightning started flashing. I blinked away the strange tears threatening my eyes and struck out toward the bedroom. "Just forget about that. It wasn't anything important, just something I blew way out of proportion that doesn't even matter now anyway."

"You made it th'ound like a pretty big deal, KK, and thingth' can only be _th'o_ mith'judged." _You don't know how wrong you are. Things can be the exact opposite of what they seem. You've misjudged me pretty badly yourself, you know._ I didn't answer him and instead braced my hands on either side of the ladder. "Why don't you tell me inth'tead of pulling all thith' cagey, teenage-angth't-nobody-underth'tandth' bullshit?"

"God fucking dammit, Sollux!" I whipped around, yelling defensively and obstinately ignoring the glaring pain my rib punished me with. "I don't want to talk about it is why! I mean, Jesus dick, why don't you leave me the fuck alone about it instead of pressuring me for every fucking detail? Why can't you leave it at that?" I climbed angrily up the few wooden slats before realizing I was wearing jeans and a sweatshirt. "Son of a fuck," I growled, forcing my tired body back into action as I climbed back down. My foot slipped on the middle rung and, for a split second, I was afraid that Sollux's concern was about to be realized. Then I felt strong arms wrap around my waist and steady me, and I remembered that Sollux was still there. My cheeks burned in embarrassment as I stepped down and murmured my gratitude, unable to meet his gaze.

"You okay?" I searched for malice in his tone, for the slightest trace of smug satisfaction, but there was none. There was only concern.

"Yeah. I'm okay." I wasn't okay, really. I mean, physically, sure — but mentally, emotionally, everything was chaos. The one thing I could easily distinguish from the rest of the random shit racing through my brain was, _Sollux was right all along and you're an asshole. You should have listened to him, and now he's standing there, patiently waiting for you to explain yourself, you knew this was coming. Shit. Now what?_ My brain was right. Shit. Now what? I somehow managed to remember what was so important I almost had to introduce my face to the carpet to do and turned to the dresser, yanking it open and pulling out my usual long-sleeved nightshirt and gray sweats.

Taking a deep breath and swallowing thickly, I started to peel off my clothes, hyperconscious of Sollux's presence behind me. Every move he made, every gasp, every sigh, it was like another gunshot from a gun with an infinite clip. Only time would tell if I'd been able to dodge the bullets, though I rather feared each one had been fatal.

"Jeth'uth', KK...," he whispered tentatively. "That'th' really... wow." I risked a glance back at him to find him mouth agape marveling at my undesired war paint. The only difference between war and me was that the soldiers actually got a chance to fight back. Sollux looked away, a slight blush tinting his cheeks. "That ekth'plainth' a lot of thingth'." I shuddered against the rain-bitten draft the window let in and quickly pulled on my pajamas. He moved to his bed and I sat down next to him. I hated that it had come to this; which of my secrets do I reveal, my sexuality or my months of abuse? It had been over a year since it started, and I'd borne marks from them for just as long. Even _I_ was surprised I'd managed to hide them for this long.

The other night, I _had_ been about to tell Sollux I was bisexual; then the storm happened and instead I ended up holding him through the night, hiding him from the flashes of light and protecting him from the rumble of the thunder. Then, I'd been determined, sure of myself, although I wouldn't say confident. I think "confident" would have been a bit too exaggerated. But whatever I was then, I wasn't now. Now I was just as scared as he'd been then. Now, my only option to avoid suspicion was to reveal the secret that didn't have words for me to garble, the one that didn't require me talking and saying the wrong thing and trying to atone for it with self-deprecation and the revealing of even more secrets, things I wouldn't realize I'd been keeping from him until I said them out loud. I couldn't do that now.

I'd realized words weren't a thing that was going to happen between us after the first minute, but that didn't mean I'd been expecting to feel his arms around me again. At first, I pulled away. Then I remembered it was Sollux, someone I could trust, and I hugged him back — just as fiercely, just as gently. He didn't pull away, opting instead to hold me tighter as he spoke. There was an urgency in his tone I hadn't been expecting. "KK, thith' th'eemth' like a really ath'hole-ish queth'tion, and it kind of ith', kind of 'cauth'e I'm an ath'hole and kind of 'cauth'e of the question—" I rolled my eyes and he got the message, clearing his throat and continuing. "—pleath'e, pleath'e, _pleath'e_ tell me none of thoth'e are th'elf-inflicted." His voice broke on the last "please."

I managed a wry smile at him. "That wasn't a question, dumbass." He opened his mouth to interject and I added, not allowing him time to speak, "I didn't do this to myself, Sollux."

"Holy fuck." It was all he could seem to manage, judging by how he kept repeating it. He didn't let me go for a couple minutes, but hey, I wasn't complaining. Eventually he untangled his arms and walked silently into the bathroom. I glanced over and saw his forgotten water bottle on the comforter behind me. Smirking, I picked it up and tossed it on my bed, climbing carefully up after it. Sollux soon returned to the room and settled into his bed. "Night, KK."

I smiled to myself. It had been a while since he'd said good night to me. "Night."

He moved around for a minute, rustling sheets and dislodging his pillow. "KK." I didn't react. "Did you take my water?" I snorted and dropped the bottle over the railing. "Ath'hat." I snort-laughed again and rolled onto my left side.

"Good night, Sollux."

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**Review~**

**Sollux was crying in the bathroom. :'c**


	8. The Earlest Birthday Morning Surprise

**Author's note: Still really fucking done with HTML coding, but I think I'm gonna be doing it like this from now on anyway, so meh. That being said, my laptop is really close to being fixed. I got a new hard drive installed, but the assholes at Dell couldn't be bothered to give me a recently updated version of Windows 7 or any drivers, so I can't connect to wifi, I can't play any of my games, I can't even open *.eml files, which is what I use to move what I've already written on my phone to my PC so I can type it out, which is a lot faster. So, needless to say, I'm pretty pissed at Dell, because in order to install the update and drivers, I need be connected to the internet, and I can't connect to wifi without the driver that I need to be connected to the internet for. *sigh* Life. On top of that, I'm at my parents' and they're just as unbearable as ever (I'm gonna leave it at that...), which is definitely hampering the speed in which I can have my laptop fully repaired.**

**Really long chapter because why not. This is how I prefer to write, honestly. Not much one for short chapters.**

**Oh, because I've gotten some questions about this, "nine hells" is a reference to Icewind Dale (which is possibly one of the best RPGs I've ever played). It's another Baulder's Gate spinoff, like Shadows of Amn or Dark Alliance... I like Black Isle, okay?**

**In any case, Chapter Eight! Enjoy and review, please!**

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Even in the fifth week of my rib's healing, despite feeling completely fine and no different than I had two months before, my mornings were starting as early as they'd been when I first got injured. I'd started going back to school, too, although I was impossibly behind in most of my classes. My job at the coffee shop was kaput, which I wasn't particularly all that bothered about. I'd seen neither hide nor hair of Trevor or his gang since the day he'd busted my rib, so I'd dared to hope that he was finally done getting his convoluted revenge on me and would let me live my life already. They were hardly a concern to me, anymore. Instead, I found my thoughts mainly occupied by the night I showed Sollux my scars. I wondered relentlessly what it would have been like if I had told him my sexuality instead, or if I hadn't showed him either. Considering what I'd heard from him on another night, a pleasant occurrence which sadly had yet to be repeated, he thought I was straight. What that night also told me was that he felt something other than friendship for me, physical attraction at the very least.

It left me wondering what I really had to fear in telling him.

Time flew like it does and soon it was the day before my birthday. Sollux was acting jittery and anxious, so I knew he had something planned. But as horrible as he was at pretending nothing was going on, finding out exactly _what_ it was was impossible. His lips were sealed with hot wax and super glue and the information was under lock and key in a dungeon made of obsidian. No matter how sideways I came at the subject, he always managed to see through my ruse and the truth eluded me still. He somehow told me everything I _needed_ to know without telling me what I really _wanted_ to know; don't make plans of my own, wear something light, grab "a th'wimth'uit" — that one had me wondering — and be prepared to go somewhere public. I guessed we were going to a pool, or maybe somewhere with a pool, or even a lake or something where he could have a bunch of people and loud music. Some of my wilder fantasies involved a private thing between me and him that somehow ended up in skinny dipping and sloppy makeouts. Unfortunately, I doubted those desires would come to light and, fun as they were to imagine, I went to bed June 11th with just as little information as I'd woken up with.

Next thing I knew, I was being yelled at to wake up by some heterochromatic-eyed asshole at seven thirty in the morning. "S'lux!" I groaned, slamming my pillow down over my head. My voice came out muffled under the fabric. "Isn't it, like, a universal rule that people get to sleep in 'til _at least_ noon on their birthdays?"

"Not _thith'_ birthday!" he replied unnecessarily loudly. "Get the fuck up, you can th'leep on the way there."

"Sleep on the way _where,_ what the hell are you talking about?" I asked, forcing myself to sit up and wincing at the watery sunlight filtering in through the window. _Why is there a window right in fucking front of my bed?_ I wondered irately.

"I'm talking about how you need to get a move on or they're gonna th'tart without uth'."

"They who?"

He ignored me. "Like I th'aid, you can th'leep in the truck, th'o get your ath' dreth'ed, grab your trunkth', and meet me in the garage in half an hour."

"Am I allowed a shower, Master Of Time Management?" I sneered, pulling myself to the end of the bed.

He replied curtly, walking out the door, "No."

"Gee, thanks, that's great! That doesn't leave time for breakfast, either, you know," I called, climbing down. "But maybe, just maybe, I can find some time in my small allotment to rub garbage under my arms. Think I'd smell bad enough then? Or do I need to carry it around in my pockets, too? Maybe I'll just eat that instead, I mean, who needs a nutritious breakfast when you have garbage to eat? I don't mean junk food, either, I mean literal garbage, like, you know, candy wrappers and milk cartons. If I'm lucky, I might find a rotting banana peel, or sour milk. There might even be some melted chocolate left in those wrappers! Wouldn't that be an absolute treat?" My sarcasm was unfortunately wasted on him because he was no longer in the room. I sighed and changed quickly, ignoring Sollux's advice to "dreth' light" and pulling on a long sleeved shirt and jeans. I quickly brushed my teeth and ran a brush through my untamable hair in the bathroom before returning to the dresser and digging out my gray and red swim trunks and dark gray surf shirt. I tucked them neatly under my arm and made my way out to the garage.

Sollux, who was waiting in the driver's seat with the door open, looked up as I entered and rolled his eyes, shouting, "Took you long enough."

I growled as I climbed in. "Shut the fuck up, it hasn't even been a full half hour." A smirk tugged at his lips.

"Go back to bed, you grumpy douche."

"Oh, I'll _gladly_ return to my bed!" I shot back. "Or at least, I would if my wonderful, nice, warm, comfortable, _not-the-front-seat-of-a-truck_ bed wasn't inside, twenty-plus feet away and counting, and I wasn't in a moving vehicle in the freezing fucking cold with a broken heater at seven fifty-four in the fucking morning _on my birthday._ Not to say that I'd normally give a fuck either way, but I think this should be the one day I'm allowed to sleep through, so this place you're taking me had better be the absolute shit to justify you pulling this bullshit, Captor."

"Jeth'uth' Chrith't, KK, you on your period?" That remark won him a hard punch in the arm. He snickered and rubbed his arm, pouting with mock hurt. "Go back to th'leep. And truth't me, it'll be worth it."

"Yeah, I'm gonna trust the same shithead who dragged me out of bed this goddamn early and still won't tell me where in the Nine Hells we're going." I muttered some more profanities under my breath and eventually settled as comfortably as I could into my seat, leaning my head against the seat belt and closing my eyes against the early morning sun. I dozed and time moved unthinkably fast around me until Sollux parked, at which point I sat up straight and stretched out my legs, glancing at the time on the digital display; **9:22.** Looking around, I saw nothing that I recognized; a massive, wide-open parking lot for an even bigger brick building, a lot of open land, and the occasional road cutting through the grasses. Yawning, I asked calmly, "Sollux?" He hummed in reply and started shuffling through some papers he'd stuffed in the visor. "Where the hell are we?"

"Wait. You'll th'ee th'oon enough, you impatient ath'."

"How 'th'oon' is 'th'oon enough'?"

"That'th' cute, KK, keep it up and I might adopt th'ome of your ridiculous curth'eth' ath' repayment."

"Oh, ha ha, I am so fucking flattered." Sollux found whatever papers he was looking for and we continued to bitch at each other as we exited the car and walked toward a smaller building I hadn't noticed before. Sollux opened the door and I followed him in to find myself in an IHOP. It was practically empty, despite how many cars there were in the parking lot; behind the counter stood a female cashier, I could see the chef in the back, leaning against the wall and checking his phone, I noticed two waitresses chatting in the hall that led to the kitchen, and there was a lonely old-timer sitting at the counter, sipping away at his coffee with a paper in hand. Finally, I turned to the right to find, much to my surprise, Kanaya, Nepeta, Feferi, Gamzee, Jade, and Dave. Grinning, I walked over to them, fist bumping the lattermost listed of the six and waving hello to everybody else before taking my seat. Sollux followed suit with a welcoming smile and a word of greeting before sitting next to me.

"Wow, Sollux. I forgive you for waking me up at the asscrack of dawn. Good on you for pulling this all together."

He smirked at me. "Don't give me that bullshit, KK, th'even thirty ith' hardly early. Beth'ideth', you don't need to thank me yet. You haven't even th'een the beth't of it." I looked at him quizzically, but decided not to pry for the time being. I had a feeling the answer was right next door, so I just let the anticipation build while we ate. A male waiter with a self-confident smile and a bright blonde streak in the middle of his light brown hair came to our table within a couple of minutes of our arrival. "Hello, w-welcome to IHOP. W-What'll it be for ya?" he asked. The stutter in his nasally voice went largely unnoticed. Everyone at the table ordered differently and Sollux and I got the same thing we got every time; an order each of a triple stack of pancakes, his with honey and mine with cherry syrup, and sides of bacon, eggs, and hashbrowns.

I caught Jade and Nepeta eye our dishes in unshielded doubt as they arrived. "Are they even gonna be able to eat all that?" Jade wondered out loud. I shot her a devilish smile and tucked into my meal. She stared in astonishment, slowly eating her own. About forty-five minutes later we were all finished. Sollux and I had cleared our plates, much to Jade's utter disbelief, and it wasn't long until we were exiting the restaurant. Sollux waved goodbye to the others and steered me back to the truck.

"We're leaving?"

"No, you juth't need to grab your th'wimth'uit. Then we'll go in."

"What the fuck even is this place?" I questioned, leaning into the truck to get my surf shirt and trunks.

"Would you th'top ath'king? You'll th'ee in, like, two minuteth'. Shut your mouth already and get your shit together. We have to wait for the otherth' to get back and then we can go in." I groaned and slammed the door shut, walking around to the front of the truck with my swimwear in hand. Leaning against the hood of the vehicle, I studied the building while we were waiting. For whatever brilliant marketing reason, there was no sign above the door, or anywhere for that matter. It was essentially an unmarked building. I did, however, notice an arrow pointing to the left side of the massive brick structure, which led me to believe that the entrance was on the other side for, again, some remarkable marketing reason. Finally, the rest of our party joined us and Sollux allowed me to begin making my way towards the building. He walked beside me, matching me step for step, and the group of six following us chatted amongst themselves while I remained silent. I was too excited to talk, anyway.

I heard a child scream and roaring water as I walked along the side and wondered exactly what the fuck kind of place Sollux was taking me to. When we began to round the building, I tried to glance up and see if I could make out with the sign — I-I mean, make out _what_ it said — but my raven-haired roommate (asshole) hit the back of my head. "Ith' it literally impoth'ible for you to be patient?" he muttered.

"Maybe," I replied under my breath. The word coaxed a smile out of him, but he didn't respond.

As soon as the door came into view, he stopped and asked, "Everybody got what they need?" They all confirmed and I decided to be a courteous fucker and open the door for them. Really, I just wanted to get inside and see what they'd been planning for a week, and the sooner I could get them in, the sooner _I_ could get in. Unfortunately, the size of our group meant I was stuck behind the opaque door while the rest of them squeezed and filed through the open arch. I finally managed to make it in after them and was immediately awestruck at the sheer mass of the structure before me; in the middle of the room, towards the back, was an enormous coil of tubing that stretched from a platform near the ceiling to the deep, glistening pool on the ground level, the latter of which extended out nearly twenty feet in every direction. Various colorful, slightly less impressive slides decorated the edges of the smaller pool. Closer to where I stood was a much bigger pool, approximately fifty feet in length and thirty in width, that was constantly wracked with wave after wave of cool, crystal clear spray. A shallow kiddie pool was tucked into the corner opposite the food court, changing rooms, and lockers, and both sections were separated by their own ropes. It was all blocked off by a wrought iron fence with vertical bars and two gates, one a push-to-open entrance gate and the other a one-way-only rotating exit gate. A kiosk with three windows and three surprisingly short lines stood by the entrance gate.

I turned to Sollux, who had migrated from the front of the group to the back, and stared in completely speechless disbelief. He looked back at me hopefully, and I tried to remember how to talk through the excited haze that was my mind. "You... fucking... water park... _dude."_ He broke into a grin and couldn't help myself from hugging him like the world was ending. "Sollux, this is fucking amazing. Thank you, oh my fucking god." Too soon, I was pulling my arms back to my own side and found myself unable to keep from grinning like a banshee.

"Glad to th'ee you're happy. Birthday treat, we're getting all-day path'eth'," he informed me. I was once again incapable of speech. He just chuckled and turned to say something to Feferi. I was lost in my thoughts as I stood behind him in line, stepping forward whenever I caught movement from in front of me and trying (failing) to stop smiling. Kanaya kept glancing back at me then saying something to Nepeta, who laughed and said something back. Jade and Dave were locked in their own conversation, and Gamzee was listening to and occasionally interjecting in Sollux and Feferi's discussion. I was perfectly content not saying a word, probably because I didn't think I could manage a coherent one if my life depended on it.

Eventually, we were next at the window and I heard Sollux say, "All-day for eight." I glanced up in time to see the woman behind the glass blink in surprise before calculating his price and asking for each person's wrist so that she could put the wristband on. The all-day bands were a dull yellow. The next minute or so went by in a blur and then I was in the changing room, replacing my clothes with swimwear. Sollux, who'd come wearing his trunks and had just had to remove his shirt and shoes to be ready, was waiting for me outside of the tiled room. "Our locker'th' over here, KK," he said when I exited, leading me to locker #413. I put my stuff in it and then, making sure he had the key his the pocket of his swim trunks, slammed the locker closed. "You ready?" I nodded and he turned toward the pools, ducking under the rope. I followed suit and dove after him into the wave pool.

The day went by far too quickly; we'd regrouped around one and gotten lunch, which was good food for a water park food court, and about half-past four, we were all exhausted from swimming and climbing to the top of the slides — the giant spiral-slide was fucking awesome and by far the highlight of everybody's day; the only problem was that it also had the most stairs to climb up. Dave almost fell down one flight and Jade had the time of her life making references to his shitty comic. Sollux rounded everyone up soon after and suggested we move the party to our house. They all agreed and I even convinced him to let me drive home because he'd driven us here, although he'd had to feed me directions because I still didn't know where we were. By quarter-past six, we'd all met up once again at our house and I was shocked out of my mind to see everyone walking in with various wrapped things in various sizes and various shapes. "Oh my fucking god, no, you guys got me presents, too? This is absolutely not happening, take them all back, return them, keep them, whatever, I don't want them. That water park was gift enough."

"Karkat, please be more grateful. Some of us cannot return our presents," Kanaya pointed out.

"Yeah, Karkitty, I got mine special-made for you!" Nepeta added somewhat hesitantly. I shook my head.

"Then keep it, I'm serious guys, I don't want this shit. It's too much."

"Dude, shut the fuck up and just accept our amazing, well-thought out, pricey gifts," Dave interjected.

"No, take it for yourself, whatever it is. Whatever they are. I don't want them. I mean, hauling your asses out there for a fucking water park, not only is that expensive in itself, but that's a lot of time wasted on my behalf. I don't want to—"

_"Karkat."_ All it took was my name from Sollux to get me to stop arguing and accept what everyone got me. Nepeta's gift came first; a perfect 1'x1' cube wrapped in white paper with a black pawprint pattern. I unwrapped it carefully, leaving the paper intact because I knew she would get upset if I ripped it, to reveal a brown cardboard box, complete with mailing label. Looking curiously at her, I took the scissors Sollux offered me and snipped the tape on the edges, lifting the lid and finding two halves of a Styrofoam shell. I cautiously pulled it out and separated the halves. What was resting between them was a gorgeously intricate snowglobe. The inside was sculpted with a detailed duplicate of the first house we'd lived in growing up, complete with our parents and us standing in front of it; a perfect physical representation of one of my favorite pictures taken there. "Oh, Nep," I murmured, turning it over in my hands.

"I remembered how you used to say you wish it would snow when we lived there, so I guess now you can look at that and imagine it's snowing," she said bashfully, a light blush brightening her cheeks. We lived in the southernmost part of a suburb in Williamsburg, Florida until I was nine, and I'd only ever seen snow in movies and read about it in books. I was surprised she'd remembered that, having been only six when we moved to Oklahoma City, and more stunned still that she'd thought to make something like this. I set it gently on the coffee table and stood to give her a hug. "Thank you. I love it," I whispered in her ear. She just smiled at me and I sat back down. Kanaya handed me her gift next — a small, thin rectangle I assumed could only be a DVD.

"Well, I hardly think I will be able to top that, but I hope you like my present either way." I began unwrapping it in response and rather than the expected movie boxshot, I uncovered a delicate silver picture frame. Inside it was a photo of her, Sollux, and me at our high school graduation, his arms around both of our necks and happy smiles brightening our faces. I had two fingers above Sollux's head and Kanaya had the most mischievous sparkle in her eyes. Shortly after this photo was taken, Kanaya's shit-eating grin was explained when she and her best friend Vriska had left me in only my underwear after we all went out swimming. Regardless, that had been one of the best days of my life. I gave Kanaya a heartfelt thank-you and listened with an amused scowl as Dave and Jade fought over who would give me their present first. Feferi ended the argument by placing hers on my lap and the two sat down in embarrassment, Jade conceding to Dave for first present-giving right.

I tore apart the paper on Feferi's gift and thanked her for four new games; Civilization IV: Gold Edition for PC and the entire Jak and Daxter trilogy for PS2. Gamzee somehow managed to get his present in front of me before Strider did, so I smirked at the blond while I opened Makara's gift; it was a pretty big cube of _something_ — the paper crinkled when I pushed against it, so it couldn't have been a box. The paper ripped off easily to reveal a black comforter scattered haphazardly with gray dots. The stitching was purple. He suggested that Sollux and I use it as part of our blanket nests for when we have movie marathons, and I thanked him and immediately received Dave's gift. It came in the shape of a smaller, more tightly wrapped, slightly slimmer rectangle than Kanaya's had, and I knew without a shadow of a doubt that it was a CD. I opened it quickly and wasn't disappointed to find his trademark shitty Sweet-Bro-and-Hella-Jeff-style album art. Opening the case, I found a plain white disk with Hella Jeff's face coming in from the right side. It wasn't hard to tell it was an album of his music, which wasn't as bad as I pretended it was, though it was still pretty bad.

"What do you think?" he asked snarkily, folding his arms behind his head and leaning back in the armchair.

"You little shit," I stated. He raised an eyebrow at me, which was about as much of a reaction as I could hope to get out of the fair-haired coolkid. "You said your gift was expensive. You had me feeling like an ass for wasting your money by not wanting to accept it. And now I get this cruddy junk and—"

"Hey, hey, Karkles—" I won't even get into how he learned of the nickname. "—time is money, and I spent a lot of time on that album, so hold onto it because that shit is fuckin' gold. Beats sicker than a beached whale and hooks as fresh as a sushi dinner." Feferi giggled at his horrible aquatic similes as I rolled my eyes and set the jewel case next to Nepeta's snowglobe. I took Jade's present and pulled away the paper, which yielded a really cool red lava lamp. Yet another thank you passed my lips and my attention turned to Sollux as he began to speak. He'd been silent during most of the exchange, resting his head in his hands in what I guessed was physical tiredness and only perking up when I'd thanked Jade for her present.

"My preth'ent wath' the water park, th'o that'th' all you're getting from me and you better be damn grateful for it." I snort-laughed and he smiled and leaned back in the couch. "Oh, alth'o," he added, a suspicious note of satisfaction in his tone, "the cake in the fridge. I alth'o got you that." Everyone else stood up and made their way to the kitchen, Dave letting out a quiet "hell fucking yes," and I pushed myself to my feet. Before I followed them into the kitchen, I rolled my eyes at Sollux.

"Smug asshole."

He shot me a grin. "And don't you forget it."

Again, I couldn't help but smile back. "You comin'?"

"Nah," he shrugged. "Think I'll th'it it out for now. Th'ave me a pieth'e, though."

"Fuck no," I returned as I walked into the kitchen, vowing silently to give him my own slice if I had to.

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**Review please! ^-^**


	9. That Didn't Go According To Plan

**Author's note: It's finally fucking here, guys. I'm pretty sure that most of you have been anxiously awaiting this chapter. Not this chapter specifically, I mean the chapter in which this certain event takes place. *wonks 5eva***

**Also, I'm getting real tired of your shit, Oklahoma. Namely, research. Bluh. Meanwhile, my laptop's still broken. Uuugh.**

**Minor spoiler warning for ****_The Switch_****. For those of you who don't know what an MMORPG is, it's the common acronym for Massive Multiplayer Online Role Playing Game. Some popular ones are Minecraft (MC), World of Warcraft (WoW), League of Legends (LoL), Runescape (RS), Defense of the Ancients (DotA), etc...**

**I would just like to say, ****_I_**** was fangirling painfully because of this chapter, so if you guys don't like it, get the fuck out.**

**Chapter Nine, enjoy and review~!**

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I lay on my stomach on top of my bed, staring blankly as the wax in Jade's lava lamp rose and sank in the oil. Sollux was playing some MMORPG on his laptop, World of Warcraft I think, and cursing violently on occasion. I did nothing but study the lava lamp and listen to Dave's slightly-less-shitty-than-usual album on my PC. It had been around seven when everybody left, full of rich red velvet cake with cream cheese frosting. Sollux had changed quickly into his PJs and gotten his slice of cake after they'd gone, which was now resting next to him on his bed. My war spoils were all put away for the most part; Dave's CD was currently in use, I'd plugged in Jade's lava lamp first thing, Nepeta's snowglobe was resting next to the alarm clock on the dresser across the room, and Kanaya's picture frame was facing up at me from the opposite side of the digital display. Gamzee's comforter was tucked away in a corner of the closet for the time being, and Feferi's games were laying by their respective consoles.

I felt very fortunate, which wasn't a feeling I got often. I had an incredible day swimming with my friends, and my rib didn't even cause me any trouble throughout. Then the greatest friends I could hope to have gave me incredible presents. Finally, I got a big slice of an incredible cake. I normally didn't do anything big for my birthdays; usually the days were spent just sitting at home playing video games with Sollux, or maybe my parents would clear their schedules and take me and Nep on vacation for a couple days. Nothing major, just time spent with family. Nothing like this.

Out of nowhere, I heard Sollux's laptop snap shut and his bed groan as he stood up. I assumed he was just going to take his now empty cake plate into the kitchen, but instead he said, "KK, get up and meet me in the kitchen."

"What?" I asked after him, pushing myself to my hands and knees. I crawled to the edge of the bed just as the door shut behind him. I muttered under my breath as I climbed down the ladder, "Brilliant fucking explanation." When I walked into the kitchen, I found him rummaging through the cabinet above the fridge. "What the hell are you looking for in there? Do we even keep anything in that cabinet?" I asked. I wasn't quite tall enough to reach it, so I didn't think either of us kept anything in there. My eyes widened when, rather than answering, he pulled down two bottles of booze; one half-empty bottle of Jack Daniel's rum and another of unopened Absolut vanilla vodka.

I glanced at him, my eyebrow shooting up. "What in the hell is this?"

"Come on, it'th' your twenty-firth't, did you really think you'd get through the whole day without taking your firth't legal th'ip of alcohol?" My face fell slack and I stared blankly at him.

"Are you shitting me?" He grinned and pulled out two glass cups from another cupboard.

"Abth'olutely not. I th'aid earlier I didn't have anything elth'e for you, but I really juth't didn't want you getting drunk off your ath' becauth'e you can't hold your liquor and making a fool out of yourth'elf in front of everybody elth'e. I mean, I _could_ have done that, and it would have been fucking hilariouth'... but I deth'ided againth't it becauth'e I'm a good perth'on. You should be thanking me. Now, I think you should th'tart with rum and coke and then we can move on to vodka if you're feeling like it."

"Sollux, I don't really wanna..." I trailed off and decided to throw caution to the wind. "Fuck it. Pour me a fuckin' glass," I demanded, taking a seat across the counter at one of the barstools. His grin broadened and he poured two expert glasses of rum and coke on the rocks, getting a can of the latter out of the fridge. "You do that like you've done it before," I commented offhandedly.

"Who'th' to th'ay I haven't?" he shot back. I raised my eyebrows in grudging admiration and accepted the glass he pushed into my hand. Eyeing it dubiously, I glanced back up at Sollux, who nodded encouragingly as he took a sip of his own, and I tipped it gently back against my lips. The cool liquid was chased by a fiery burn as it slid down my throat. My eyes watered as I set down the glass.

"Holy mother_fuck,"_ I muttered, blinking. I'd had the occasional beer over the years, but never hard liquor like that. "That was... interesting."

Sollux smirked at me, downing about three-quarters of his glass. "You get uth'ed to it." I picked up my own, determined to not look completely incompetent, and forced down at least half of it. I tried with all my might to keep from coughing afterward, but I ended up slamming the glass onto the tile counter and spilling a bit as I spluttered and hacked. Somewhere in my coughing fit, Sollux had set down his drink and fallen back against the counter, laughing. I scowled darkly at him and looked away, snatching up my own and taking another tiny sip. It was stronger at the bottom, but that didn't deter me from finishing it. Sollux eventually contained himself and wiped tears of laughter from his eyes as he finished what was left in the glass. He got one of the water bottles from the fridge and tossed it to me; I almost dropped it, and I knew that was the fault of the alcohol. I could feel my coordination was off, nowhere near wasted-hobbling incoordination, but enough to make me waver in my seat.

Sollux drank the last sip of the coke and grabbed the bottles. He tossed the can in the trash and stowed the bottles back in the cabinet. "I think that'th' enough for you for now. How do you feel?" he asked, walking around the counter to me.

"A bit... light-headed, I guess." I took a few gulps of the water. "And uncoordinated. This isn't the first time I've drank, Sollux," I pointed out, screwing the lid on the bottle.

"Yeah, but it _ith'_ the firth't time you've gotten buzzed on hard liquor."

"It really doesn't feel any different," I told him, scooting out of my seat and steadying myself on my feet. I was swaying a lot more than I had in the past, so I figured there might have been some truth to him having said hard liquor gives a different buzz. Sollux didn't seem to be swaying at all, which I found entirely unfair. _Why can that asshole hold his liquor and I can't? Fuckface._ I shook the thought and turned to go back into my room. My roommate followed and I let him pass me to get to his bed before I attempted to climb the ladder to mine. I got to the first rung before stepping back down.

"Well, that's not happening," I informed him quietly. He chuckled and patted the bed next to him. I took the seat, saying, "What am I supposed to do here, watch you play WoW or whatever the fuck it is you were playing earlier?"

"It wath' LoL, ath'wipe, how do you even fuck those up? They don't even look alike," he replied. "And yeah, that'th' exactly what I had in mind." I rolled my eyes at his sarcasm and he smirked. "Alright fine. I wath' juth' gonna tell my teammateth' how shit they are at thith' game then go back into the living room. You wanna watch a movie or th'omething? I'll let you watch a romcom th'inth'e it'th' your birthday, but thith' ith' one-time th'pecial treatment, th'o don't get uth'ed to it." I let a smile grace my features as I braced myself against the rail of the bed.

"Yeah, sure. How does _The Switch_ sound?" I suggested, pulling myself to my feet again.

"Shitty. But whatever, it'th' up to you." I sighed and started towards the closet.

"You really need to get it into your head what good cinema is, Captor." It didn't take long to get Gamzee's comforter out of the casing.

"You firth't," he snarked. I started back towards the living room with the king-sized comforter around my shoulders, but tripped over the plastic it came in and fell hard against the carpet. Sollux burst out laughing and left the room, turning towards the kitchen. I growled and walked out of the bedroom, throwing the blanket on the couch and easily making a comfortable nest out of it. It was thick enough that we wouldn't even need pillows to sit on, so I moved to the rack and pulled out the movie I'd seen a hundred times before, popping it into the DVD player just as Sollux returned with a small bowl of popcorn. He settled himself on the couch and I grabbed the remote, skipping straight to the menu and playing the movie as I got comfortable beside him.

We had gotten to Wally's confession when our hands brushed in the popcorn bowl. Normally, it wouldn't have meant anything, but now the contact sent an electric shock up my arm strong enough to make me yank my hand back. Maybe it was the alcohol. Sollux glanced curiously at me out of the corner of his eye, but didn't say anything about my strange reaction. I leaned back and hoped the fold in the blanket would hide my flaming cheeks from him.

When the movie ended, I put the popcorn bowl in the kitchen and returned the DVD to its case while Sollux folded the blanket and put it back in the closet. The clock on the oven read **8:58.** _It's getting late,_ I noted. _And I think my buzz is wearing off. Fuck, the last thing I feel like being right now is sober._ Checking quickly to make sure Sollux was still in the bedroom, I climbed on top of the counter and opened the cabinet above the fridge, pulling out the rum. Shooting a glance once more at the door, I uncapped it and took a huge gulp that left my throat burning.

I quickly returned the bottle to its home in the cabinet and jumped lightly off the counter, steadying myself against the sudden wave of dizziness. I shook my head lightly and walked back into the bedroom. Sollux was sitting on his bed again with computer in hand, playing Solitaire of all things. He didn't look up as I walked in, and I took a seat next to him again and watched him play the card game. He won within a couple minutes, a couple minutes I'd been using to steal myself for what I was about to do. He closed the laptop and arched his back in a stretch.

"Uh... Sollux?" He hm-ed at me and I swallowed before speaking. "You know, there's something I've, um, been thinking about lately." _Off to an_ amazing _start, keep it up, you fucking idiot, maybe he'll just be too busy laughing at you by the end to care what you have to say,_ I scolded myself. He quirked up an eyebrow and straightened himself. I continued. "And, it's really kind of been bothering me for a while, because it's something I know bothers you because I don't talk about it, and..." I trailed of, mentally kicking myself. _Fuck, this is not going well at all._ I wasn't even sure why I was saying this now. Once again, maybe it was the alcohol. Maybe it was because I couldn't take maintaining a lie to someone who just didn't deserve it. Maybe it was because I was straight fucking _sick_ of lying. I was feeling bold, and though this wasn't in my original plan, the thought was in my mind and it was suddenly the only thing I could think about, the only thing I could focus on.

"KK, can you pleath'e th'tart making th'enth'e?"

"Look, Sollux, this is really fucking hard to say, and I don't want it to... you know what, fuck it, fuck it, fuck _everything,_ just _fuck it!"_ And with that, I brought my hands up to his head, thrust mine forward, and pressed my lips against his.

I was expecting Sollux to shove me back like a car was headed straight for me. I was expecting him to recoil faster than a snake about to strike. I was expecting him to freeze until I pulled away then look at me like I was the filthiest piece of trash the world had to offer. I was expecting him to start throwing curses and punches like I was trying to kill him. What I hadn't expected was for him to kiss me back. I hadn't expected to feel his arms snaking around my waist and his lips working against mine. I hadn't expected to find myself pinned against the mattress within seconds of first contact while his tongue teased itself between my lips. I parted them more in pure astonishment than anything else, but he took that as permission to explore the inside of my mouth and plunged right in. I was surprised first to feel my hands find each other on the opposite side of his neck, and more surprised still to feel my tongue on the inside of his teeth.

Suddenly his hands were on either side of my head like mine had been on his hardly a minute before and he was pulling away. My eyes tore open, part in fear and part in hope, and I stared up at him, my mouth still slightly open and a thin trail of spit gleaming between our mouths. He stared back and murmured something so softly I could scarcely make it out; after a couple seconds, I realized he'd said, "Do you have any idea how long I'd been waiting for that?" I swallowed hard yet again as he flicked his tongue out to catch the saliva on the corner of his mouth. He cleared his throat and pushed himself up and off of me. I sat up much more slowly, still overwhelmingly stunned by his reaction. I could still smell the light alcohol on his breath.

"Well then," he began after a moment of silence between us. "Mind if I ath'k what prompted that?"

"Honestly, probably the alcohol," I admitted, unable to look at him. To my surprise, he chuckled.

"Remind me to get you drunk more often."

"Okay," I said, his words jogging my memory, "my turn; what the hell was that?"

"I'm pretty sure you can anth'wer that yourth'elf."

"No, I mean... why did you return the... you know... er, like, why didn't you... oh, fuck this, why did you kiss me back?" _Dear sweet fuck, I actually kissed him,_ I realized with a jolt.

"Becauth'e I wanted to."

"Oh." Another awkward pause electrified the tension in the air. "What now?" I asked, shattering it.

"I don't know." He sighed.

"I'm bi, Sollux."

"Yeth', thank you, KK, I gathered that." Now it was my turn to let out a nervous laugh.

"Um. That doesn't mean... like, just because I'm bi doesn't mean I wanna be with you or anything."

"Ith' that th'o? Becauth'e I'm pretty sure the kith' you juth't gave me th'ayth' otherwith'e."

"You fucking idiot," I muttered. "I'm not going to automatically want to fuck you because I'm half-gay. If I want a relationship with you, it's gonna be because I care about _you,_ not your gender."

He paused. _"Do_ you want a relationship with me?"

"Again with the difficult fucking questions," I growled.

"I'm ath'king for a yeth' or no anth'wer, KK, there'th' nothing difficult about it at all."

I sighed heavily. "Yeah, maybe. I don't know. I'm not gonna pressure you into thinking that you have to or whatever, and I'll still be just your friend if you're okay with... this. Like, okay with me being... how I am."

"I never th'aid I thought I had to, dumbath'. That doeth'n't mean I'm not open to it." My heart did a backflip inside my chest before beginning to beat at my ribs like a starving gorilla trying to knock down bananas from a tree. _Did he just say he's okay with getting into a relationship with me? Holy shitting motherfuck I'm gonna have a heart attack._

"You... wait... _what?"_

"You _do_ want to be with me, don't you? That _ith'_ what you juth't confirmed. You alth'o th'aid that you don't want to pressure me into anything. But if I'm offering, that'th' not really you pressuring me, ith' it? Th'o... I'll ath'k again." He paused, turned slightly on the bed to face me, and asked, slowly and quietly, "Karkat, will you be my boyfriend?" _I lied,_ I realized. _I'm not going to have a heart attack; I'm gonna have a fucking aneurysm._

I think that, even if I could have talked right then, I wouldn't even have been able to think of anything to say. I settled for a nod, tugged my knees to my chest, and muttered some unintelligible gibberish before clearing my throat and trying again. "C-Can I sleep here tonight? I think my knees are shaking too much for me to even stand, let alone climb to the top bunk." He chuckled and stood up to snatch my pillow off the upper bed.

"Sure." Tossing it next to his, he teased, "Need me to get you changed, too, or can you manage that yourth'elf?" I sneered at him and tried to stand up for a total of three seconds before giving up and simply crawling over to the dresser. I tried not to wonder if he was watching me as I undressed and put on my pajamas same as I did every night since he'd first seen my scars. Then I crawled back to his bed and climbed in next to him, somewhere I hadn't expected to be but accepted when he'd pulled back the blanket. I rolled onto my right side and faced into the room because my rib no longer hurt and I was so fucking sick of sleeping on my left side, and it wasn't long until I felt Sollux's long arm sneak around my waist and hold me close against him. _This is way too good to be happening. There is absolutely no fucking way this is happening,_ I decided, waiting for reality to kick back in. I realized it wasn't going to when my new boyfriend's warm breath ruffled the hair near my ear.

"Happy birthday, KK."

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**Review, my loves! Go forth and share your SolKat feels~ ^o^**


	10. Cuddles Are Now A Thing That's Happening

**Author's note: Alright, I have suddenly uploaded another story (or at least the first chapter of it), and you all should go read it and at least give me your feedback on the first chapter. I'm not expecting you to want to stick with it necessarily, but whatever, I just wanna know if I should continue or not. Short note because meh. Who even reads these, anyway?**

**And seriously, tell me these two are not the cutest babies ever. Asdfjkl. For the record, very little plot headway was made. Mostly, this chapter was just fluff.**

**LSU is Louisiana State University, in case you didn't know and/or were too lazy to look it up.**

**Chapter Ten (holy shit, already? That was fast), enjoy and review, please! cx**

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I woke up facing Sollux. He'd slid down in the bed during the night and now his head was buried in the crook of my neck. I inhaled deeply, loving that I could now love the scent that rolled off him in waves; it was a combination of sweat and chlorine and some other thing that was so uniquely _Sollux,_ and I couldn't get enough. I lost track of how long I lay beside his sleeping form, his arms still wrapped around my waist and mine folded beneath my head. Eventually, he started shifting and I instantly shut my eyes and relaxed my body. He yawned quietly and let out a little hum of pleasure when he settled back into the bed. Readjusting his grip, he tugged me closer and muttered into my ear, "You don't think that after yearth' of th'leepovers, I'd be able to tell when you were ath'leep or not, do you?"

I let out a wry smile at his words, keeping my eyes closed. "You don't suppose that after years of being an asshole, you'd get sick of it, do you?"

His chest shuddered as he chuckled. "You really are shitty at pretending to th'leep, you know."

My eyes finally flashed open when he pressed a gentle kiss to the side of my head. Embers burned in my cheeks as I stammered out a reply. "I-I didn't want you t-to think I was weird for watching you sleep." My voice cracked when I said "weird."

"I know you're weird, KK. I don't really care, to be honeth't." His arms slid away from me as he stretched. Suddenly, the alarm blared across the room, awakening a lumberjack in my skull and causing Sollux to jump.

"Ugh," I groaned, slamming my face down in the pillow. "You have a morning class today. Why do you have morning classes? How is that not the most sickeningly horrendous concept on the face of the Earth? Oh sweet fucking shit, can you please go shut that off? It's giving me a headache."

He pulled the blanket away and clammored over me. "You are juth't _full_ of complaintth', aren't you? And another thing, that headache ith' more likely the reth'ult of a hangover than the alarm clock."

"Yeah, well, fuck off, 'kay? Either way, something is splitting my fucking brain in half and that loud-ass alarm is hardly an antidote." He snorted and the alarm shut off.

"I can't fucking wait for th'cool to end. I really don't feel much like going to clath' today, either."

"Rnnnng. Then don't," I replied, lifting my head slightly and keeping my eyes closed.

"Jeez, doeth' your head really hurt that bad? You only had one glath', heavily diluted at that."

"Not really," I managed through the fluff. "I had a bit after the movie, too. And that wasn't a small glass, don't kid yourself."

"You're th'uch an idiot, KK," he told me, his voice a lot closer now. I cracked open an eye at him, hating the dawn light that shone through the window, or more specifically, the throbbing frenzy it sent my head into. "Th'coot." I complied with his request and he soon crawled back under the covers with me. "How much ith 'a bit'?"

"More than was in the glass you gave me."

"Let me reiterate; KK, you are _th'uch_ an idiot."

"Shut up and let me sleep, douchedick." I groaned again and dove face-first into my pillow.

"Abth'olutely not. I'll get you th'ome Tylenol or th'omething, but you are not th'leeping all day."

"Do you wake up this early for pleasure, asshat?"

"It'th' a vague possibility," he said, kissing the side of my head again. "I'm gonna take a shower becauth'e I th'mell like pool and B.O. and it'th' not a pleasant th'mell." I was tempted to contradict him, but thought better of it. "If you're ath'leep when I get out, I'm gonna blow an airhorn in your ear."

"No! Fuck! Ow, shitting hell, don't do that, _please!"_

"Hmm, only 'cauth'e you ath'ked th'o nith'ely." And once again, I was alone in the bed.

"Do we even have an airhorn?" I yelled when the door slammed shut. He didn't answer.

I did doze for the next fifteen minutes or so, until the snooze effect on his alarm decided "fuck you" and sent the device screaming electronic obscenities throughout the house. I practically fell out of the bed and crawled to the dresser. Blatantly disregarding life, I ripped the cord from the wall and collapsed against the corner where wood met plaster, hating absolutely fucking everything. The water shut off in the bathroom and Sollux walked out of the bathroom seconds later, nothing but a towel wrapped around his waist.

"Sollux," I whined. He turned to look at me and raised an eyebrow in surprise.

"What are you doing?" he asked slowly. I held up the alarm clock's plug by way of an answer and he just laughed.

"That Tylenol is sounding pretty fucking good right now."

His eyes rolled. "I'll get you th'ome." He returned to the bathroom and called out, "You want one or two?" I couldn't muster more than a "yes," to which he replied, "Two it ith'."

My eyelids had fallen shut again by the time he came back out. He placed the pills in my outstretched hand and I muttered, "I won, Sollux. I fucking won. It was a vicious, bloody battle, but I won."

"What the fuck are you talking about?" he asked, sounding completely bewildered. I held up the power cord again and he burst into laughter, stepping around me and opening one of the drawers. My nose wrinkled at the sensation of the pills going down dry, and Sollux spoke after pulling his clothes out, "You know, I would have gotten you th'ome water if you'd juth't waited."

"Fuck that. Waiting isn't gonna make my head feel better." He sighed and kneeled beside me.

"You're too impatient, KK," he murmured, cupping my jaw in his hands and tentatively placing a gentle kiss on my lips. I sighed happily and didn't try to stop the smile on my face.

"I'm sick of being patient. I waited seven years for you." _Shit._ I'd meant to say "that," not "you." I'd meant to say "that" because I was talking about the kiss, not him. But it came out anyway because, honestly, I _had_ been talking about him, and now that fact was just _out_ there. Instead of a verbal answer, he kissed me again and walked back out of the room. Twenty minutes later, my headache was all but gone and Sollux was curled up next to me in his sweats, having decided against going to class altogether. "Can you even do that?" I asked, hoping he wasn't failing a class on my behalf.

"Eh. Finalth' were last week, and tomorrow ith' the lath't day, th'o I don't th'ee why not. Beth'ideth', I'd rather th'tay home with you," he added, nuzzling his face into my neck. I flushed bright red and he grinned at me for a minute.

Words came tumbling out of my mouth before I could stop them. "I feel like I botched our first kiss," I admitted. _God almighty, that still sounds surreal as all fuck._ "It was spur of the moment in completely the wrong way and we were both a bit tipsy, me admittedly quite a bit more than you, and I was terrified in a way that you shouldn't be when you kiss someone and—"

"Do you want to try again?" he interrupted.

"—it was really such a last-ditch effort and — wait, what? Try again...?"

"Th'inth'e you 'meth'ed up' the firth't one th'o bad. You wanna try again, and get it right thith' time?" Sollux's soft murmur sent a shiver down my spine as he moved his face a bit closer to mine. Once again out of words, I settled for a nod. His parted lips met mine and all the fireworks I hadn't really been expecting exploded around my head. Fingers curled at the hem of my shirt and my heart threatened to beat out of my chest even after he'd pulled away.

"Oh. So that's what it's supposed to feel like," I whispered. Sollux's raspy laugh met my ears as our mouths collided again. Immediately our tongues were wrestling like they'd done the night before and _oh, god, when did I get on top of him?_ Warm, minty breath tore at the few remaining shreds of my sanity and the fingers that had been teasing the hemline of my shirt just seconds ago were now tracing circles in my lower back, skin against skin, and _okay, no, that was definitely not a thing I was okay with._ Just as suddenly as he'd started, he stopped, his hands frozen in place and his head pressing into the pillow enough that we separated.

He gazed up at me for a moment. "Let me know if I'm doing th'omething you're not comfortable with, okay?"

_Again with the cute pronunciations,_ I thought. _'Come-fert-ah-bull.' Four full syllables._ Then I mulled over his words and whispered back, "You're doing something I'm not comfortable with." The word "comfortable" came out "comph-ter-bull" on my voice. Instantly, his hands were back on the outside of my shirt and he turned his head like he was looking away, although his eyes were still glued to mine.

"Th'orry."

"It's okay." His arms crossed higher up on my back.

"Not really. I don't want to do anything you aren't comfortable with." I kissed the tip of his nose.

"You're really cute when you say that, you know." _No. That absolutely did not just come out of my mouth._

His brow furrowed in confusion. "Th'ay what?"

"'Come-fert-ah-bull.' 'Bithe-ih-nith,' too." _I am really not telling him this right now._

"What?"

"I don't know." I kissed him again. "Things." I burrowed my face into his collarbone before I could say some other stupid thing, but of course that didn't work and I had to add, "You taste good. It's really nice to finally be able to kiss you, too." Now my cheeks were no doubt a bright flaming red which I was more than thankful he couldn't see.

"You know what elth'e is really nith'e?" he murmured softly, one of his hands coming up to stroke my hair.

"Hmm what?"

"Your fath'e. Speth'ifically your lipth'. And your eyeth'. And your noth'e. Alth'o your hair. Mmm, and your voith'e. Can't forget that blush you get when you th'ay th'omething you didn't mean to. Or the way you cringe after it cometh' out of your mouth, like you're th'cared of how I'll react. There are a lot of nith'e thingth' about you, KK." His baseless admiration of my appearance and mannerisms was doing absolutely nothing as far as taking the blush off my cheeks went. It only got worse as he went on. "A lot of thingth' I like. Like how you can alwayth' manage to make me laugh, even when I'm in one of my mood th'wingth'. Or the ridiculouth' th'wearth' you come up with and th'ay like they're the moth't th'eriouth' shit on the planet. Or how you act like a th'elf-th'entered prick when you really couldn't care leth' about yourth'elf, and inth'tead you want the people around you to be happy. Or how you pretend th'ertain thingth' don't affect you and really they cut th'traight to your core. And your th'illy love for shitty romcomth', th'ome of which, _very few,_ actually aren't ath' bad ath' I th'ay they are. And they way you mouth the lineth' of th'ertain th'eneth' in th'peth'ific movieth' becauth'e you've juth't th'een them that many timeth'. I give you a lot of shit for thoth'e thingth', but I really like them, honeth'tly. You wouldn't be you without them."

An embarrassed groan escaped me. "Stop it. Those aren't good things, you dumbass."

"Yeth', they are." Rather than dignifying his statement with a verbal response, I pressed a gentle kiss to the base of his neck. He shuddered lightly and I made a small noise of surprise, kissing the same spot again and eliciting the same reaction. I smirked to myself and kissed higher up on his neck. My actions were rewarded with more ragged exhales I could tell he was making a huge effort to control and a much more erratic hand slipping fingers through my hair. I kissed the soft skin once more and he gasped. "Here, KK, why don't we, um, movummmnnnnggf." His words were cut off when I sank my teeth gently into his neck. More out of curiosity than anything, I ground my hips into his and was almost instantly met with a buck in return. Gently placing a kiss over the shallow bite mark, I chuckled to myself and pushed myself up so that I was basically sitting on his stomach.

Smiling as innocently as I could down at him, I said, "Wanna play a video game?" He lay panting softly for a moment before propping himself up on his elbows.

Face hardly an inch from mine, he growled, "I have no intention of playing any video gameth' today." Then he kissed me again. And again. Over and over until I was straddling his hips again and my chest was pressed down and keeping his pinned. Long, gangly arms wrapped around my neck as he pulled me closer, still determined to memorize the inside of my mouth. I wrestled his tongue just as roughly, sucking and softly biting and 200% determined to win. An idea came to mind and I pulled back only as much as I needed to in order to move my lips to his jawline. Slow, sweet kisses trailed along the edge of it while I held his cheek in one hand, tangling my other in his hair to tilt his head back. I made short work of reintroducing my lips to his now-exposed neck and he let out a low whine in return. The whine tapered off into a violent gasp and a high whimper as my teeth came out to play.

Trying not to think too much about my actions so I wouldn't pussy out, I licked from the base of his neck to just underneath his ear, murmuring when my lips brushed it, _"That_ was a cute little noise." He groaned in reply and I ground my hips down again, quick to be rewarded with yet another, albeit higher whine as he pressed up into me. "You know, I think I'm slightly more okay with having your hands on me now." He didn't hesitate to slide my shirt up to my ribs, his hands holding my waist and the tips of his fingers digging into me. I resumed attending to his neck and his hands splayed out across my back when as soon as my lips made contact. After a few minutes of that, me kissing and suckling on his neck and his fingers alternately clenching and relaxing on my back, I moved my head up and kissed him on the lips. He took the slight reprieve to skim his fingers over my spine. Eventually, they caught on one of my many scars and his eyes flashed open.

"Mmm. You have really pretty eyes." _Maybe it would be better if I just sewed my fucking mouth shut._

He looked into mine with his. "Th'o do you." As he stretched up, we kissed again and he whispered against my lips, "I wanna learn you, KK." My cheeks burned all over again and a small shiver ran down my spine. I could feel him smile as he glided his hands lightly over my skin, letting his fingers hook on my every scar and each uneven stretch of skin on my body that they could. "Who would do thith' to you?" I let out a strangled whine. "Who could ever hurt you?" Another barely-there kiss. "Who would hurt th'omeone as th'weet ath' you, th'omeone who careth' th'o much?" He bit my lower lip so softly. "How could anybody do th'omething th'o horrible to you?"

His words seemed so innocent, just like sweet nothings, but they meant everything to me. I debated for a good minute about whether or not to explain things with Trevor to him. I wanted to. If anyone deserved to know, it was him. But I was so, so scared to, and I'd never admit that. All throughout my internal argument, he was kissing me sweetly and tracing my scars with his fingers and murmuring things like that into my mouth, and as much as I hated to end our first makeout, I knew I had to tell him. "Nnnng, Sollux...?" I whispered, pulling away slightly. He looked up at me.

"Yeth', KK?" His undivided attention wasn't something I was particularly used to, so it took me a moment longer than I would have liked to muster up the courage to say what I had to.

"I think, probably, it's about damn time you got some answers."

"Answers?"

I nodded and disentangled myself from him, straightening my shirt as I lied down beside him on the bed. "Explanations, moreover." He turned towards me, confusion clouding his eyes, and I began, clearing my throat a little. "About the guys who attack me... or, used to, anyway. They're kind of an unofficial gang, I think. And their 'leader' of sorts is a guy named Trevor." I paused, wondering how best to continue.

Sollux looked thoughtful. "Didn't you have a friend named Trevor senior year?" he asked quietly, bringing his hand up to my face and running his thumb back and forth over my cheekbone.

"I... um... I-I don't think 'friend' is the right word for him. Or, was. I mean, in high school, yeah, but after..."

"Oh."

"Um... yeah." I swallowed thickly. "We kept in touch after high school. When he dropped out of LSU because he didn't have the grades to back his sports scholarship, he came back here and asked to move in with me, but he didn't know that we were roommates already and I didn't want to invite a third roommate into our house without asking you, which, honestly, was not a conversation I wanted to have, so I just told him I'd asked you and you said no. He moved in with one of his other friends up here anyway, and we still talked, just now in person again. And then two years ago in September, the twenty-nineth to be exact, he came out to me as gay. He seemed really afraid of even just saying it, so I tried to calm him down by telling him my sexuality. He turned it around and suggested we got together, and I... said yes, so, we got together. Things were okay for a few months, we didn't say anything to anybody, just waiting to see if the thing between us would work out. But there was always something kind of... off about him. He was always looking around the corner, always watching everything around him, really only talking to me when we were alone. He didn't even text me. Really, I think he was just scared. He'd told me his dad was a big homophobe and he didn't know what would happen if his old man found out he had a boyfriend. He told me he was just being cautious. But it always seemed like the wrong kind of caution.

"About a week before Memorial Day last year, he asked me what my plans were for the holiday and got upset when I told him I was gonna have a picnic with you and Nep and my parents. He wanted me to stay with him. He and I both said... some things and then it escalated into this big huge fight and he just. Hit me. That was the start of it. We never really officially broke up, but we didn't talk at all after that and from then on, the guy he'd been living with and a bunch of his other friends created that shitty gang kind of thing that they have now and he'd send them out to tail me after work. I'm not entirely sure why he had them do it, but I think it has something to do with him hating me for my selfishness and choosing my family over him, or maybe he was afraid I would tell people about him being gay. Whatever the reason, it came to be a regular thing. It was him you punched a few weeks ago. That was actually the first time he himself had hit me since this whole thing started. Or... second, I guess. That also was probably the worst attack. You don't know how many times I had to clean myself up in the park bathroom before coming home. Which is probably why you couldn't ever pick me up from work, too, because I would always cut through yards and try to stay off the main roads after the attacks to get to the park. I used to carry cover-up in my pocket, just in case, and let me tell you, the look the cashiers gave me when I bought the shit, oh my god."

I risked a glance at him when I'd finished. His eyes were wide and his hand had long-since frozen on my cheek. I was afraid for a minute that I'd told him too much and it would change everything, too much, nothing, all at the same time. Then his arms were around me again and holding me closer and he was placing kiss after kiss on my cheek, my nose, my lips, jaw, forehead, anywhere he could. "That'th' why, then." The soft whisper met my ears and he kissed my lips again, and again, and again. I simply lay there stunned, completely in shock; pleased shock at that from all the attention I was receiving, but shock all the same. "I promith'e, KK, I won't let him hurt you again. I'll keep you th'afe from now on, okay?" Any other time, I would have gotten angry at him for being made to sound helpless, but now I just nodded as he kissed me again.

"Alth'o, I'm really pith'ed at you."

"What?" My smile slowly fading out of fear.

"You dated th'omeone for eight monthth'." Had I not been so worried, I would have laughed at his attempt at the word "months." Really, he just elongated the "th" sound. "You kept that a th'ecret. And you know, KK," he added, both his tone and his smile reinstilling hope in me, "best friends don't keep th'ecretth' from each other."

"I know," I whispered, looking away from his chilling dual-tone eyes. "I'm sorry."

"But hey, we're okay now, aren't we?" A soft kiss brought my eyes back to his. "Th'o I gueth' it'th' not really a big deal."

"I-I was just so scared to tell you because I was afraid you-you'd look at me differently for dating someone who didn't really seem to care even though I think he really did and he's just terrified, but I didn't want you to be afraid of me o-or..." My broken voice faltered and I felt stinging tears in the back of my eyes. _Well, shit. Now I'm a complete pussy. I should just go get my award from the Trophies For the Shittiest People on Earth factory. And on top of it, I think I'm about to cry. What in the sweet almighty taintchaffing fuck is wrong with me?_

"KK, shh. It wath'n't your fault. If I ever th'ee Trevor again, I think I'm gonna punch him juth't for being a shitty pieth'e of shit." At that, both a chuckle and a tear left me. Sollux laughed with me and kissed the tear away, holding me close. "Like I th'aid, KK; I'll protect you from now on, and that includeth' from th'tupid, shitty ath'holeth' like him." Rather than replying and risking a _real_ onslaught of sobs, I buried my face in his neck and let him hold me, trying (failing) to keep the occasional tear from soaking the front of his shirt. The only thing drifting through my mind was the warm, soapy scent of Sollux as I faded into sleep.

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**Review, please.**

**Also, love the fluff. I'mma die from feels, guys.**


	11. So Many Days Of Independence

**Author's note: Chapter eleven, So Many Days Of Independence, or the Alternian title, In Which Sollux Is A Complete And Total Badass In Every Way And Karkat Is Afraid For Everything He's Worked For Years To Get; Sollux Has A Low Mood Swing And Karkat Talks Him Up And Him And Sollux Have A Bitch-Off And More Fluff Happens. This took a while because I'd written the first fucking paragraph on my laptop and had no way of getting to it for a few days because I was at my parents' house and it was at my grandma's and I couldn't just rewrite it because I really liked the way I wrote it and I couldn't fully remember it, I just knew I wanted to keep it as is, and I wrote most of this on my older sister's computer, which is running Windows 8 AND CAN I JUST SAY _HOW CONFUSING WINDOWS 8 IS?!_ That is all.**

**Those "just"s are reminding me that I really seem to have an issue with that word. I use it way too often. I try to take it out or replace it with something else, but it simply doesn't sound the same. "...it just doesn't sound the same." See? Ugh. #LifeProblems**

**Chapter Eleven, god I need to shut up. Enjoy and review, please! ^-^**

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School was out, I was injuryless, and it had been three whole weeks since Sollux and I became boyfriends — and even now I was having trouble believing it. I wouldn't have thought it of him, but he was a very affectionate lover; always showering me with praise and kisses and compliments, always wanting to be in contact with me, hands or arms or legs brushing when we sat side by side. It made me feel very desired, and it also made me wonder exactly what he'd felt for me before. Not that I really cared. Just knowing that I could now walk into the room and kiss him, or lean against him when I sat down, or curl up beside him at night — we'd been sleeping in the same bed since the first night, and I didn't have any trouble falling asleep when he was by my side — that was plenty enough for me. Now it was Fourth of July and we hadn't done anything except cuddle on the couch all day. Later there was gonna be a fireworks show at the park that we were planning to go to. We weren't meeting anybody there. It was just an _us_ day.

The park was crowded, which wasn't to say I'd been expecting anything else. There was every type of person from the rare elderly couple that could still stand the _boom_ of fireworks seated on a bench to huge families with at least four kids setting up picnic blankets complete with generic wicker basket. Sollux and I were far from the first to arrive, and it was already dark by the time we did, so most of the open spots along the main path were taken.

"Let's walk a bit," I suggested. "Find some place to watch from where the view isn't more obstructed than _oh, fuck, shit, shit, fuck, nope, no, nuh-uh, oh fuck no."_ The comparison I was making was completely forgotten and I nearly tripped trying to get behind Sollux.

"KK, what the shit wath' that?" My heart was pounding long after Trevor disappeared behind a bush. "Th'eriouth'ly, you look like you juth't th'aw a ghoth't." He leaned in and muttered teasingly, "You didn't, did you?"

I shook my head, eyes wide. "Worse. Trevor." Sollux's brow took on a much more serious set.

"Hold on. You mean ath' in the ath'hole who—"

"Yes, I mean as in the-asshole-who, shh!" I said hurriedly. Yes, Trevor. My ex-abusive-boyfriend for which the "ex" only applied to one of the terms.

Sollux followed my gaze. "Where ith' he? I've got a couple of thingth' I'd like to th'ay to him." His cold tone was menacing and merciless. It scared even me.

"Sollux, please don't start anything tonight, okay? I let you get involved in this once before, I'm not going to let you do it again."

"I've been as involved as I could be from the th'tart, even more now. Where ith' he?" he repeated, taking a step toward where I was looking. I reached out and grabbed his arm, trying to yank him back.

"Dammit, Sollux, fuckin' _don't._ I don't want him to—"

"He ith'n't gonna do shit. KK. Lith'ten, 'cauth'e I'm not gonna th'ay thith' again. You're mine. He hurt you. Anyone who toucheth' what'th' mine ith' gonna have hell to pay onth'e I catch wind of it. Got it? Th'o tell me where he went. He hath'n't yet paid hith' dueth'." I wasn't sure what possessed me to point towards the bush, but I regretted it almost immediately. Chasing after him, I pulled on his arm and did the only logical thing that came to mind; beg.

"No, wait, Sollux, don't, please, come on, don't, Sollux!" I clapped my hand over my mouth after practically shouting his name and attracting the attention of a blond jock receiving a worn leather jacket from his father. I tugged Sollux as hard as I could to the right, behind the bush, and swore furiously. "Goddammit this was a really fucking bad idea, why did you drag me over here, now I think he knows I'm here, shit, fucking dicks, and his dad is over there, too, oh balls, this is bad, this is really fucking _nowaitwhereareyougoing?!"_ I hissed violently as my current boyfriend stood and walked away from the visual safety of the bush. He shrugged and kept walking towards my ex-boyfriend.

"Hey. You're Trevor, right?" I froze in place. _Sollux, you fucking idiot, I'm gonna kill you._

"Huh? Oh, yeah. And you have some funky name, uh... Castor, isn't it?"

"Cloth'e. Th'ollukth' Captor, in the flesh. Anyway, I'm glad I caught you. I've been thinking about the offer you made me couple monthth' back and I think I've changed my mind. Doeth' that th'till th'tand?" I couldn't believe my ears. _No way. No fucking way. Sollux isn't asking to join their gang, is he? He wouldn't do that to me. Right? Oh, fuck._

Trevor chuckled. "Can you still throw a deadly right hook?" I peeked my head out from around the bush in an attempt to read Sollux's expression, in an attempt to find some reassurance that he wouldn't hurt me like that, but his poker face was better than usual in the dark.

"Sure, but... that'th' not the only deadly thing I can deliver." His tone, on the other hand, found no hampering in the darkness, and I most definitely recognized a pickup line when I heard one. _Oh, god, no, this is worse, this is so much worse, don't let this be happening. He knows I'm right fucking here and everything, what the fuck is he trying to pull?_

"Oh?" He sounded intrigued, to say the least.

There's a popular saying that actions speak louder than words. It's a statement I'm rather inclined to agree with. Sollux didn't need to say a word. His actions spoke for him, their message as clear as the night sky when he reached out to grab Trevor's face. He screamed at me without ever opening his mouth as another hand snaked around my ex's waist. Trevor's suddenly lusty eyes cut through the darkness as he leaned into Sollux's embrace, and shot violent whispers dripping with blood through my ears. The movements were so fluid and quick, they happened over the span of forever and the same instant all at one, and then just like that, the world fell into deafening silence as Sollux closed the gap.

A firework I never saw crashed in the sky with a much quieter explosion than the warning shots going off in my mind. Rather, it illuminated and silhouetted the image of my boyfriend and my ex-boyfriend sharing a long, languid kiss against the backdrop of a lake shimmering with moonlight. I couldn't look away. I couldn't move. I couldn't _breathe._ I couldn't feel anything, just watched passively as my heart was torn from my chest and shredded before my eyes.

Before the light of the firework had faded from the park, Sollux moved his head away from Trevor's. "Th'ee what you're mith'ing without me?" he asked, louder than I really thought was necessary for his target audience; namely, the man he'd just kissed in full view of his boyfriend. A few heads from his family turned toward them as Trevor nodded numbly and leaned in for another. Sollux pressed a hand to his chest and stopped him. "What are you doing? I'm not going to kith' you. We're in public."

"But you just—" he began, confusion casting a shadow over his features. A sudden look of complete horror overtook it and he whipped around to meet the gaze of his father, a tall, well-built man who was currently staring disgustedly at his son. "Oh, no. No, no, no." Realization clicked in my brain and Trevor and I widened our eyes simultaneously. _He... Sollux just... he just revealed Trevor's sexuality. To his father._ The blond wheeled back around and glared at my boyfriend like he wanted nothing more than to rip his throat out.

"That was intentional, you _dick._ Who fucking told you? It was Vantas, wasn't it, I'm going to kill that fucker—"

Sollux cleared his throat to get Trevor's attention. Leaning down the smallest bit so that his face was just an inch away from Trevor's, he said, loud enough for me to hear, "No, and let'th' get th'omething th'traight, shall we? If you _ever_ th'o much ath' lay a finger on Karkat again, I perth'onally will have you arreth'ted for multiple accountth' of battery. I know for a fact he'th' got the th'carth' to prove it, th'o you could be fath'ing jail for life. I wouldn't rith'k it, if I wath' you. Oh, and by the way..."

He trailed off and straightened up before taking the liberty of introducing Trevor's aghast expression to his fist for the second time, a blow that left the shorter man staggering back. He tripped over his feet and spun mid-air just in time to taste the dirt. With that, Sollux nodded at the blond's father and turned to leave the clearing. I watched long enough to see the man haul his son's ass off the ground by the collar and drag him away in a different direction before leaning back and making sure Sollux couldn't see me hidden behind the bush. He turned towards where I was when he passed, but before he could say anything, I kissed him hard and and grabbed his wrist.

"Whoa, shi— oof!" I cut off his exclamation by pulling him to the ground with me. He slammed heavily onto the grass. "Fuck, KK, what the hell?!" Instead of answering, I pinned his wrists to the grass and crushed our lips together, long and deep and sweet. "KK, what—?" I shooshed him softly.

"You, Sollux Captor, are the biggest asshole I've ever met." I kissed him again. "How fucking dare you," I managed between kisses, "share your wonderful lips... with _that_ abusive fuckass... on my behalf? ...How fucking dare you... find a fucking _way..._ to pull that off?" The effort of keeping my tone steady left me panting by the time I'd finished. I held myself up over him, our breath mingling in the night air.

"Shit, dude, what the fuck are you even talking about?"

"You are the worst person I've ever had the misfortune of caring about so much, what the fuck is wrong with you, why the hell would you do that to me? What did I do so wrong or amazing that made someone like you want to have anything to do with me?"

"Alright, KK, I can't tell if you're upth'et or pleath'ed with me—"

"Yes."

"What?"

I kissed him again and whispered, my voice almost completely drowned out by the explosions in the sky — the fireworks show was in full-swing now, and they just kept coming — "Yes, I fucking am. Thank you. Thank you so much."

Sollux looked beyond baffled until the light of realization dawned in his eyes. "You're welcome, I think. And alth'o, you need to know that I didn't mean any of what I th'aid. I would never be a part of th'omething that hurt you th'o badly." I moved to the side and lay down in the crook of his arm, watching the fireworks as he continued to explain, his voice starting to get frantic. "And I juth't hit on him th'o that he'd try to kith' me. And when I asked him what he wath' mith'ing, I wath' trying to get hith' dad'th' attention. And I th'aid I wouldn't kith' him in public th'o that hith' dad would think he wath' coming onto me, not the other way around. And—"

"I get it. I know."

"Okay." He paused and watched the sky with me. "I did mean what I th'aid afterward, though. If he toucheth' you again, I'm not gonna heth'itate to call the copth'."

"I know. I really appreciate it," I murmured, giving him a kiss on the cheek as another rocket burst in the air.

"You deth'erve better than him, KK. No one deth'erveth' abuth'e, you leth' than anybody."

"I _have_ better than him, in case you haven't noticed," I told him, smiling. _"You,_ on the other hand, I hardly deserve."

"You're right," he agreed. "You deth'erve th'o much better than me, too." _Uh, oh. I know that tone._

"Sollux," I warned.

"Better than th'ome twenty-one year old shitty coder with bipolar who should have th'tarted college three yearth' ago and couldn't becauth'e of it, becauth'e life dealt him a shitty hand and he now hath' to go through trying to cope with it."

"Sollux," I repeated, louder.

"Better than thith' th'kinny-ath' fuck who can't get a damn lith'p he'th' had th'inth'e birth under control no matter how much th'peech therapy he goeth' through, a shitty damn lith'p that he'th' been teath'ed for for juth't ath' long ath' he'th' been going to th'chool for."

"Sollux!"

"Better than a mutated freak with different colored eyeth' who can't do anything right no matter how fucking hard he trieth'. Better than a guy who'th' made every mith'take in hith' life by taking rith'kth' he can't hope will have any poth'ibility of panning out becauth'e _he'th'_ the one taking them and thingth' _never_ work out for himmphf—" The last word of his sentence was smothered by my lips crushing against his.

"Stop it," I begged quietly, my voice cracking under the weight of my unshed tears. "Stop it, please, Sollux, don't do this to yourself. I can't bear to hear it when you get like this. It just makes my heart feel like it's being stabbed and... shit, that was a really bad explanation, but you get the point. I can't take hearing you beat yourself up like that." I hated my weakness and I loathed the tears that fell from my eyes as I said this all to him, but I let them fall because I wanted him to know how much it hurt to see him like this. He hadn't gotten this bad in a while, but then again, he'd been taking his medication pretty steadily for a while, too. I think he'd missed them tonight.

He sighed heavily and closed his eyes. I sniffled in spite of myself and he immediately looked at me. "Oh, shit, KK, I'm th'orry," he murmured hollowly, brushing away the tears on my cheek with one hand. _I don't fucking believe it,_ I thought darkly, _I've been driven to tears twice in the past month, and both times in front of Sollux._ "Really, KK, I'm th'o th'orry, I wath'n't thinking and now... and now... shit. Now I've fucked up again."

I shook my head vigorously, bringing my hand up to rest it over his on my cheek. "No, Sollux, don't. You didn't, I just. I worry about you sometimes is all. A lot, actually. There were some nights back in high school when I'd go to bed not knowing if I'd see you the next day or not because you'd offed yourself over some petty bullshit your fucked-up mind turned into a huge deal. I never slept much those nights."

He looked at me, stunned. "I... didn't know that. Th'o I gueth' when I got pith'ed at you for th'taying up whenever you had teth'tth' or anything..."

"Yeah."

"God, I am th'uch a huge prick."

"Shh, no you're not. You didn't know."

"Yeth', don't argue."

"I'm gonna argue, fuckass. I'm gonna argue until you believe me," I murmured. The fireworks were dying down now.

"I do believe you, KK. I juth't dith'agree."

"Sollux..."

"Shh." With that, he pressed a kiss to my lips and held me closer. The grass was cool through the fabric of my shirt and scratchy through the same material. Sollux was warm and comfortable and his grip around me was gentle and just as warm as the rest of him. Every kiss he placed on me left the skin tingling from his heat. Scarcely minutes later, the fireworks show had ended.

I watched as Sollux stood up and looked around the bush. "There'th' nobody there. I gueth' Trevor'th' family left when they dith'covered hith' little th'ecret. That meanth' we're free to go, unleth'... you'd like to... go for a walk, or th'omething...?"

I nearly choked when I heard myself giggle. Hoping he wouldn't comment on it, I said, "That sounds nice."

He chuckled and threw an arm around my shoulders as we took off down the path. "Let'th' go, then. By the way, that wath' a cute little giggle, KK."

"Shut the fuck up, don't you ever bring that up again."

"You're th'o cute."

"Which part did you miss, the shut the fuck up or the never fucking bring this up again, you piece of shit?"

"That lath't part that you added now."

I shrugged at him, half snarling, half smirking at him. "I might have paraphrased a bit. Just a little," I added, holding up two fingers pinched together. He hugged me tighter and kissed the side of my head.

"Well, I gueth' I mith'ed both partth', th'o you'll juth't have to keep reminding me how cute you are." I said nothing as we walked past the trees. The lake shone as the moonlight hit it and Sollux's eyes gleamed at me. It gave him a very dark, mysterious look that I really lo— liked. That I really liked.

"You're really handsome, Sollux." _Shit. Can that stop happening, please, you know, that thing where I get a big 'fuck you' from the universe in the form of my fucking mouth?_

"You're really cute, KK," he returned.

"Gee, thanks, that makes me feel so good, knowing that I'm fucking adorable."

"Nah. I'd th'ay you're more bloodthirth'ty than adorable," he joked.

"Adorabloodthirsty?" I offered.

"Abth'o-fucking-lutely." As soon as we got to the edge of the lake, I sat down in the scant grass, watching as the water rippled softly at the muddy shore. Sollux took a seat beside me and I leaned my head on his shoulder, picking up pebbles from the path and tossing them towards the moon's reflection. He stopped me at one point and grabbed a rock of his own, counting to three and throwing it at the same time I threw mine. The gesture was sweet and extremely romantic and I just wanted to kiss the shit out of him. Rather than pinning him to the ground again now, I decided to wait at least until we got home. Then we'd get at the very least the privacy to do whatever we wanted, should it escalate far enough.

Eventually, Sollux slipped his hand into mine. It seemed like such an innocent gesture, so innocuous an action — such a little thing that did so fucking much. Oh, what's that, heart? You wanna go see what's at the bottom of the lake? Okay, but you have to beat out of my chest, first. Hey, hey, brain, you wanna sit down for a second and have _one_ solid, normal thought? You can pick through the chaos until you find one you like, if you want. No? Okay, carry on, then. Hi, sweat glands, how you doing? You wanna relax for a little bit, keep all that sweat to yourself? Oh, I guess not. Have fun, then!

"Th'omething wrong, KK?" He looked at me curiously, squeezing my hand. I shook my head before resting on his shoulder again, hoping that if I hid my face in his shirt, he wouldn't see me blush in the moonlight.

"N-No, I wasn't really expecting that is all and I... um."

"You're th'uch a hopeleth' fucking romantic, you idiot." He kissed me softly to lighten the sting of his insult.

I muttered under my breath, "Prick."

He returned immediately, "Douche."

"Fuckass."

"Ath'wipe."

"Shitsponge."

"Bath'tard."

"Bitch."

"Dumbath'."

"Dick."

"Cockth'ucker."

"Not yet," I shot back with a sly wink. He didn't reply, and I grinned at him. "Pussy."

"Fuckfath'e," he grumbled, looking away.

"Once again, Sollux," I said, raising my hand to his cheek and turning his face towards me. Pressing our foreheads together, I finished, "Not yet." His face caught fire and he jerked away. I just laughed, rolling onto my back while he stood up.

"I think it'th' about time we got home, don't you?" he stated, speaking way too quickly for that to be his only reason.

"You're just afraid to see if I'll make good on those offers, aren't you?" He refused to look at me, so I hugged him from behind and stretched onto my tip-toes to whisper in his ear, "You know, we don't have to be at home for it. I'm perfectly okay with the lakesid—"

_"No,_ no, abth'olutely not, a thouth'and timeth' no. It'th' not _your_ cock people could walk out and th'ee." I trailed my fingers over the waistline of his jeans, pouting.

"Aww... I'm sure you don't have anything to be embarrassed about. Besides, I think I could manage taking _all_ of you—"

_"KK!"_

"—so it's not like they would see anything, anyway."

"Alright, shut up, we're going home, right now."

"What? Are you afraid you'll give in?" I taunted him.

He suddenly grabbed my wrist and pulled me towards one of the trees, slamming me back against it before leaning in close and whispering, "Yeth'." I didn't have anything to say to that, so I said nothing as he gave me one short, rough kiss before taking my hand and pulling me down the path after him. I still couldn't think of anything to say, so I let my mind wander and fantasize about his answer to my previous question. What if he hadn't pulled me away? What if he'd simply agreed? Where would we be now?

Hand-in-hand, we walked home silently through the darkness.

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**Review please~!**


	12. Something Else To Make The Shower Steamy

**Author's note: Some of you actually think I have anything better to do in my spare time than write. Seriously. I don't. Just saying. XD Regardless, not the first smut I've written (oh yeah, NSFW warning for this chapter, too), so it shouldn't be** **_too_** **bad, but you know. If this isn't enough to satisfy you, there** **_will_** **be more within the next few chapters, so calm your little butts down and just reread this until they come out.**

**Me and my shitty horrible chapter titles. Do you guys look at those? Are they the worst or what?**

**Oh, and for convenient reference, Karkat is just a** **_little_** **bit shorter than Sollux in...** **_that_** **department. His minor inequity is made up for by his slightly thicker girth. ;)**

**Chapter Twelve, lovethesmut. cx Enjoy!**

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When we walked through the front door, I wasted no time in slamming him against it and crushing my lips into his. He let out a surprised grunt and I kissed him harder, holding his hips as I drove my tongue into his mouth. When I pulled away, licking my lips, he blinked at me with wide eyes. "KK...?"

"I think you deserve a reward for pulling off such an amazing stunt tonight. Or maybe a punishment for scaring the shit out of me. How does both sound to you?" He blinked again. "Fine, then. Say or don't say whatever the hell you want. I'm going to take a shower. Feel free to join me," I added with a wink, letting my hand drop to his ass and giving it a light pat before walking away. Looking back to see his reaction would have seemed presumptuous. I just hoped it was a good one.

Five minutes later, I stepped into a hot shower, steam already billowing around me in clouds. I'd just put shampoo and conditioner in my hair — I used them both at the same time to keep my showers short — when the door opened. "KK?" He sounded tense.

"M'yes, Sollux?" I replied, letting the hot water cascade over me.

"You—" The terse word came out high and cracked. He cleared his throat before speaking again. "You're really okay with thith', right?" The end of the curtain crinkled a little, causing me to jump, but it didn't move yet.

"More than okay. Are _you_ okay with this?"

"Yeah, sure." There was far too much uncertainty in his voice than I was okay with. The shower curtain rustled again, but I reached out and pinned it to the tiled wall.

"That wasn't a good enough answer. You know, Sollux, the same goes for you as you told me a couple weeks ago; I'm not about to do anything you're not comfortable with. So either you're two-hundred percent willing to do this or it's not happening." I released the curtain when I felt the message sunk in.

"I don't know, KK, yeth', I'm willing to do... _thith',_ whatever the fuck _thith'_ ith' about to be, but I'm... fuck. I'm nervouth' ith' all."

"Shit's gonna be awkward, dude. Let me know if things get too weird for you and I'll back off, okay?" Without answering, he pulled the curtain back a bit and moved in behind me. Making a conscious effort not to look down, I leaned towards him and pecked him on the lips. His arms instantly slid around my shoulders and he deepened the kiss before I had a chance to pull away.

"I think you are th'eriouth'ly undereth'timating the amount of willingneth' I have to do thingth' with you, KK. The issue ith' how much I don't wanna fuck up. Do you even know how terrified I wath' earlier, when I tricked Trevor? Do you even know how fath't my heart wath' rath'ing? Or how about when I kith'ed you the morning after we deth'ided to be boyfriendth', our 'real' firth't kith'? Could you feel my breath catch? I'm th'o much more th'cared about all of thith' than I want to be, I really, really don't want to be th'cared, but I don't want to loth'e you, either, th'o I have to be afraid of fucking up with you becauth'e if I do th'omething th'tupid that maketh' you want to leave me, I don't think I'll ever be okay again. A-And I don't th'ay that to th'treth' you out or anything. I juth't want you to know how much you mean to me."

Suddenly his fingers were tangled in my hair, carefully scrubbing away the shampoo-conditioner mix so that it didn't get in my eyes, and his mouth was at my neck, kissing and biting at the sensitive skin, and one of my favorite fantasies was coming true; perfect drops of water streaming down his skin, mesmerizing me. There would be no short showers here. I let my eyes follow the droplets of water halfway down his body before realizing what it looked like I was looking at. My face flushed bright red and I forced myself not to focus as I snapped my eyes up, hoping he hadn't noticed. Thankfully, he hadn't. He was too busy licking water off my neck. I personally had been too distracted with desire to comprehend what I'd been looking at. A question formed in my head through clouds of delight and I waited until he was done to bring it to attention. "Sollux. What did you think about me before?"

I said when he was done; I really meant when he'd pulled away long enough for me to catch my breath. His teeth now worked against my shoulder, no doubt leaving little marks as he murmured, "You mean when we were juth't friendth'?" A whimpered yes — the fucker laughed at me for it — and he answered finally, "I thought you were amazingly th'exy. And funny. And th'mart. And brave. Pretty much everything I think about you now. The only differenth'e now ith' that I don't have to feel th'trange about wanting to tell you. I wath' alth'o really hoping you weren't an ath'hole towards gayth' like moth't of the cuntwadth' around here, becauth'e I wath' afraid that if you found out about your beth't friend being one, that poth'ition would th'uddenly be open to the public."

He'd straightened up at some point during his answer, and I was stunned into embarrassed silence. Swallowing hard, I muttered to myself, "Is that so...? Hm." My eyebrow quirked at him and I tentatively put my hand on his waist. His cheeks brightened a little, nowhere near the amount I was trying to achieve, and he nodded, which allowed me to grab him a bit more forcefully. "I'm glad you told me that. Honestly, I was a bit confused after I heard you jacking off and moaning my name." Now _that_ brought a blush to his face.

"No. Oh, god. Fucking shit, that'th'... really embarrath'ing." He turned his head a bit and took a step back, leaning against the wall. I took a step forward, very nearly leaning against him.

"I'm not embarrassed. Are you embarrassed? I wasn't, not when it happened, either. Do you remember that I went to take a shower later that night? There's a good reason for that, and let me tell you, the water was far too cold for me to enjoy it."

"Oh." The blush darkened and he glanced back at me, mumbling, "Uh... KK...? While we're on that, er, topic... you haven't... um... looked, yet... have you?"

I laughed softly and kissed him even softer. "No. Have you?"

He shook his head. "Nn-nn. KK, really, I don't wanna fuck up with you and—" A quiet shout left his mouth when I lowered my hand a bit. Grabbing his ass proved a _very_ effective method of shutting him up.

"How's this, then?" I murmured softly, moving my hand around his upper thigh slowly enough that he could stop me if he felt the need. Instead of speaking, he whimpered and pressed harder against the wall. Smirking and willing my heart to slow down, I moved just a bit further and wrapped my fingers torturously slowly around his half-hard member. His eyes widened and rolled up before he closed them, sighing in a way that was far from unhappy. I stroked him slow and long for a while, secretly admiring his fair length and keeping our lips together while he made the most amazing noises into my mouth. Soon I was jerking him faster and leaning into him, chest against wet chest, and whispering into his ear, "May I look now? I'd like to see what I'm working with."

He moaned and nodded in approval, and I kissed just beneath his ear and let my gaze fall to his groin. My vision was greeted with an impressive seven inch hard-on. I kissed his lips, so, so softly biting his lower lip and running my tongue over his teeth. He moaned blissfully and pitched forward, throwing his head back and so nearly slamming his skull into the tile. Water flew from his hair and I rubbed his length just a bit harder, just a bit rougher. He groaned louder and pressed back into the wall. "Nnngh, KK! Fuck, fuck, shit, fuck, Karkat, fuck, god fucking dammit, shit, I'm cloth'e."

"Mmm do that again," I begged. "Say my name again."

"Karkat, KK, shit, don't stop! Fuck!" He let out a ragged moan when the pleasure overtook him and his whole body shook as he came. Streams of white mixed and intermingled with the drops of water on my stomach and was quickly washed away by the spray of the shower. I bit into his neck and stroked him through his orgasm while he clung to me, blunt nails digging into my skin. "Jeth'uth' Chrith't..." I kissed him again and ground into him, no where near sated myself. Although feeling him cum in my hand was incredible in and of itself, it was still nothing compared to my dick pressed against his. "Turn around, KK," he panted.

I shot him a curious glance but followed his command all the same. Then one arm was around my waist and his teeth were deep in my shoulder and suddenly he was returning the favor, the other hand wrapped around my similar length and stroking like I'd done him. It took all my self-control to not slam him into the wall, to just stand there on shaking knees and let him hold me and make me feel good. I'd fantasized about this so many times, fantasized about the noises he'd make and the noises he'd make me make and the way he'd touch me, fantasized about _him,_ but nothing came close to the reality of it.

His name came sharply over my voice and I couldn't help myself but beg for more, more, faster, rougher. Anything, everything he could give me, I wanted it. He readily granted my wish, kissing my shoulder and whispering into my ear about things I couldn't focus on. I was too busy thinking about his hand; the only fingers that had touched me like that were my own, so for someone else to be doing it was a whole new feeling altogether. Definitely not an unwanted feeling, but a different one. He stepped back, pulling me with him as soon as the hot water ran out — I'd forgotten we were even in the shower, despite facing the shower head — and stroked harder as he slid down it.

Before I even noticed we were moving, Sollux was seated behind me, his flaccid length pressed awkwardly against my back — I, in any case, was too out of it to either notice or care — and the tips of my curling toes just out of range of the cold water. My black-haired boyfriend's hand did things to make me lose my mind and my head lolled back on his shoulder, its owner infinitely too far gone to worry about how he looked. Sollux quickly moved the hand from my waist to grab my hair and turn my head, returning it before smiling at his reward; the lust-clouded, half-shut eyes of his boyfriend staring blankly at his own. I knew the image before me had changed, but I couldn't think about anything but the pleasure shooting up my spine long enough to focus.

A deep, desperate kiss was thrown down my throat, and he twisted his hand as it moved down my shaft, sending another thrill of ecstasy through my core. I moaned loud and long enough that the noise registered in _my_ mind, so it must have been noticeable enough for Sollux to realize what had caused a sound so different from the harsh, choppy whines and moans I'd been giving him before. He rotated his hand again on another downstroke and another low keening joined the patter of water from the shower. The few remnant swirls of steam mixed with my sweat and brought my internal heat to a raging boil to rival the fire in my stomach. "Sollux," I moaned, panting and closing my eyes tight to counter the euphoria blinding me. "More, Sollux, please, I'm gon—!" My request-turned-warning was cut short by a rough groan as the tightly-wound coil in my gut snapped, sending waves of pleasure to crash heavily over me until my seed was washing down the drain after his.

A kiss met my lips, long, sweet, and passionate as I panted heavily against it. I kept hearing his name, soft and airy as it echoed through the bathroom, and it took me a while to realize I was the one saying it. _Motherfucker. I don't even realize when I'm making noise._ I'd known that before, but without reason to think about it, the knowledge had been forgotten. Sollux placed yet another kiss on my lips and pushed himself to his feet, reaching around the water spraying down in an attempt to turn it off without getting too wet. He managed it, but only barely. The bathroom quickly became deathly silent. It was a bit ominous before he shattered the illusion by pulling back the curtain loudly. I stood up slowly, dazed still from such a powerful experience.

It wasn't until Sollux wrapped one of our extra-large towels around both me and him that I was able to think clearly. I blinked at him while he dried us slowly, hands roaming everywhere through a towel and his steam-softened lips smiling at me the whole time. When he released me, I started to gather up the clothes I'd grabbed before starting the shower, but Sollux stopped me and shook his head. "I don't fucking think th'o. Naked cuddleth'. Thith' ith' happening. Get your ath' out of here." I yelped in response to him spanking me towards the door.

Rubbing my ass as I left, I grumbled, "Fine, asscunt, no need to get pissy about it. Could've just asked, dickshit."

"Bull."

Less than a minute later, he and I were curled under the covers, our naked bodies tangled together. "Sollux?" I murmured. He hm-ed at me like he does and I added, "Thank you for today."

"Mmm which part?"

"All of it. From the moment I woke up to our shower to now, and I'm sure 'til I fall asleep, too."

"Shh. You don't need to thank me for it. I love being with you. I love being around you. I love doing thingth' with you. You don't need to thank me for it becauth'e I love doing it with you."

My face lit up at how freely he used the word "love," but I didn't say anything about it. Instead, I told him, "But I really appreciate it. Trevor would never have done any of this with me—"

"No. You shut up, right now," he demanded, his face hard and his brow set angrily. _Wow, have I not learned fucking_ anything _about relationships? _Why_ in the sweet almighty taintchaffing fuck would I bring him up? You never, ever bring up the ex, ever. What kind of brain-dead fucking idiot do you have to be, I mean, Jesus fuck._ "Don't compare me to him. Have I ever hit you?"

"No, I was just—"

"Have I _ever_ done anything to hurt you?"

"No, Sollux, but—"

"But what, KK? I am not anything like that th'cum, and I am not even a little bit okay with you making comparith'onth' between me and him."

"Okay," I whispered, his intensity scaring me a bit. "I won't. I'm sorry. I was just using him because it was my first steady relationship, but I won't do it anymore, promise." Instead of acknowledging my apology, he removed himself from the bed and stood up. I cringed and closed my eyes, waiting for the demand to move into my own bed. To my surprise, the red glow behind my eyelids disappeared with a click and I opened my eyes to a dark room. "Sollux?" I called, a note of fear creeping into my tone.

"I'm right here, KK. I wath' juth't turning the light off." The mattress sank under his weight as he joined me again.

"I'm really sorry," I said quietly, my voice breaking. "I didn't mean to—"

"Don't. It'th' okay. I might have overreacted. A little."

"A lot," I corrected lightly, relieved.

"Shut up and go to th'leep, ath'." Smirking, I trailed my fingers from his elbow, where they touched first, to his cheek, using it as a guideline for where to put my lips.

Kissing him slowly, I whispered, "Good night, Sollux." He kissed me back and pulled me close, wrapping his arms around me.

"Night, KK."

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**I'm not even going to remind you to review. I just. Smut. *painful loud fangirl squeal***


	13. Happy Anniversary! Or… Not…

**Author's note: I had so much difficulty writing this chapter, and I have absolutely no idea why. Maybe it had something to do with the fact that I'm kind of half on vacation 150 miles from home, or I had limited access to a computer and my phone was being the stupid, shitty piece of shit that it is and wouldn't let me open any Google Docs, or that I had to go to a funeral for one of the two people in my family who died within a month of each other, or that I had to deal with my brother because he kind of had a breakdown and started doing some serious self-harm and I'm just too far away to be there for him, or maybe it was all four of those reasons or some combination of them, but this chapter was very hard to finish. Also, probably because first-time writer's block. I honestly don't think I've ever had to deal with writer's block before. I had to ask my friends what I should do for this chapter. So bad. T-T But I did read a new book yesterday called Proxy (ALL OF YOU GO FIND IT AND READ IT, IT'S SO GOOD, I DIED), and my friends gave me new ideas, so I think I'll be okay. Despite the difficulty I found in writing it, I'm really happy with this chapter. Just the way it turned out, I think.**

**Important news, I'm going to be gone next week with absolutely no access to anything electronic, so I can't reply to reviews, I can't reply to PMs, and I can't write at all (although I am bringing a notebook, so I might have to revert to...** **_[dun, dun, dun]_** **wait for it...** **_pencil and paper_** **for a while [I'm so sorry, please forgive me]). I'm going to a Summer camp called Camp Hammer (it's a Christian camp and I'm not religious but I'm going with my cousin whom I rarely get to see so it's worth it) and it's really fun and I actually got a lot of writing done in another story last year during it, so I think it'll be okay. Just don't expect me to have anything to do with the internet from Sunday, 4th to Saturday, 10th.**

**More notes. My bro's okay now, in case any of you were worried about him. Also, did you guys notice I changed the summary a bit? And I'm not sure if any of you look, but sometimes when I fix a lisp I missed or just a straight up mistake I made (like "how stiffened" in this chap XD), I usually change up the Author's note a bit, too. One more thing, I'm gonna give a giant, huge, big shoutout to FFF (guest), who rarely misses a review which confuses me because you can't follow on guest so I think she just stalks this story 24/7, but I don't care because she always has really sweet, nice things to say and, honestly, leaves some of my favorite reviews and sometimes I read them when I feel sad and then I don't feel sad anymore whatshhIdidn'tsaythat. I'd love to talk to her more, but she always reviews on guest and I can never reply :( So, FFF, if you're reading this, you should feel proud because I always look for your reviews whenever I update and they always make me happy ^-^ (Also, the Tumblr URL you left me broke because of FanFiction so just throw me your username or something and I'll drop on by.)**

**AHAHAHAHAHHAHAH I JUST REALIZED, this is a really bad chapter to leave you guys on and I'm laughing so hard about it XDD Ahahahhahaha sucks for you! I am ****_so_**** not sorry.**

***ahem* ...Chapter Thirteen, enjoy and review please! ^-^**

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"Alright, KK, it'th' about time you got up off your lazy ath' and quit playing video gameth'. Get dreth'ed — nith'e," Sollux barked, exiting the room. "We're doing th'omething tonight."

"Are we going somewhere?" I asked, saving the game of Civ IV I'd been playing. "Because if we are, a little warning would have been nice."

"Well, here'th' your warning now!" he called back. Growling to myself, I walked to the closet. It took a couple minutes to pick out a nice, dark burgundy button-down, and black skinny jeans with a silver wallet chain to go with it. I figured it was a nice enough outfit for wherever we were going, casual and comfortable enough that I wouldn't look overdressed if that were the case and nice enough that it would fit in with a crowd. Just as I was about to change, Sollux yelled from the other room, "Go take a shower, KK."

"Why?"

"Becauth'e I th'aid th'o. Hop to it."

"Fuck you, I don't need a shower!"

"Yeth', you do. Go shower."

"No."

"KK."

"Fuck, fine." I sighed heavily, turning into the bathroom and starting the hot water. _I don't need a shower... do I?_ I wondered, raising my arm and sniffing. I didn't smell horrible, certainly not bad enough to warrant a shower, but I knew better than to argue with Sollux once he'd set his mind on something. Since he was dead set on making me shower, I decided he was going to have to wait for me, too, so I turned the water down a bit so the heat would last longer and resigned myself to a long, self-indulgent shower. Somewhere around half an hour later, Sollux banged on the door and yelled for me to get out, which I figured I probably should in case I made us late for wherever we were going. Walking back into the bedroom with a towel around my waist, feeling very clean and very warm, I found Sollux changing. I followed his idea and dressed myself, and he tugged me close for a long, sweet kiss when we were both clothed.

"Mmm what, you're not going to shower, too?" I asked.

He kissed me again and said, "I doubt there'th' any hot water left after yourth'. Beth'ideth', I don't need one."

"Neither did I," I pointed out.

"Yeth', you did, and I'll ekth'plain why in a minute if you don't get it."

"Don't get what?" Instead of answering, he took my hand and led me into the dining room. On the table in the dim room lay two sets of silverware, two lit candlesticks, and two plates opposite each other, both with thick, juicy tri-tip steaks with mashed potato and broccoli sides. I couldn't help the astonishment in my gaze.

"I didn't want you getting curiouth' and coming out while I wath' cooking," he told me, pulling out the chair behind one of the plates for me. I took the seat and quickly closed my mouth, hoping he hadn't seen it hanging open.

"Sollux, this is... I thought you said we were going out." It was all I could manage.

He chuckled, sitting across the table. "I never th'aid we were going out. I th'aid we were doing th'omething. _You_ deth'ided we were going out."

I had to commend him for being so sly. "Well, I'm glad. Did you just decide to make us a nice dinner tonight, or is there a reason behind it?"

His grin was instantaneous. "Firth't month, KK." I stared back. It was our one month today, which I guessed was a pretty decent milestone, especially considering no one else knew.

"Oh." He stuck out his tongue and lifted up his hands in a heart, to which I snorted and nearly fell out of my chair laughing at. "You are the biggest fucking dork I've ever met," I told him, still laughing softly to myself.

"And proud of it," he replied, winking. I snort laughed again and continued eating. Sollux really was a great cook; he had a natural talent for it, and the food was superb, cooked just the way he knew I liked it and seasoned just as perfectly. It wasn't long before both our plates were cleared. I'd even managed to convince him to let me feed him a forkful of mashed potatoes, which I found cheesy and romantic and he was undeniably sweet for letting me.

"Sit up," I coaxed, hoping he'd indulge me in yet another classic romance move. He leaned forward across the table and I stretched up to meet him, ignoring the door opening for favor of tasting his lips again. Did I ever mention how good he tasted? There was a little spark that was pure Sollux, much like his scent. Something I couldn't quite put my finger on that defined him so perfectly. I let my mind focus on finding that little spark of flavor, not thinking about how he stiffened or about the clack of high heels against the wood floor of the kitchen or the jangling of keys as they were set on the counter.

"Hello, boys! I just thought I would drop by and — oh!" _That_ got my attention. _That sounded like Kanaya,_ I realized. I pulled away and snapped my eyes toward the voice, which was indeed Kanaya's. It took me a minute to sort out exactly what had made the past few seconds feel so wrong. _Kanaya just walked in. Okay. I just kissed Sollux. Okay. Kanaya saw. Okay. So... wait. Kanaya saw. Not okay. Definitely not okay. That is not okay at all, in the slightest. Shit._ "Am I... erm... I'm not interrupting anything, am I?"

"Yeth'," Sollux snapped bluntly. I would have hit him if I didn't think I'd miss without looking away from Kanaya, and that wasn't going to happen.

"No, no, you're not. A-At all," I managed weakly. "But, uh... what—" Hard swallow. "—wh-what _are_ you doing here?"

"I was just dropping by," she told me, her face a bit red, "because I hadn't spoken with either of you since Karkat's birthday and I was wondering how things were going, and I had _assumed_ that you would be doing nothing except destroying each other in video games on a Friday night, but I, um, obviously assumed... i-incorrectly and I... um..." She trailed off. It was one of the few times I'd ever seen her flustered about anything. The only other time was at a party in high school; we were playing Spin-The-Bottle, and her first spin had yielded her best friend Vriska. She told me later it had been her first kiss, as well as the event that later sparked a powerful crush toward the blue-eyed brunette. I neither commented about nor replied to her admission of preference because by then I'd determined and accepted my own attraction for those that shared my gender, though I wasn't really comfortable with it at the time. I never worked up the courage to confide in her, but hey, there's no time like the present, right?

"Honestly, I feel like I'm intruding, I shouldn't have come by unannounced in the first place, a-and I really do think I should be going now," she stated, a note of urgency tainting her tone. Too many thoughts, not one of them good, chased each other around in my head, all demanding attention and none receiving it. My attention was instead trained on her quickly gathering her purse and keys from the counter.

"No, Kanaya, no, wait!" I shouted too quickly, standing up so fast that my chair nearly fell over. Sollux followed suit much more slowly, pushing his chair back in when he stepped away. Realizing how desperate I sounded, I corrected quickly, "I mean, you only just got here, and we've just finished dinner, so why not stay a while?"

She paused and shot me a withering glare. "I don't know, you seemed a bit _busy,_ Karkat, the both of you did. Busy with each other. Not that it's any of my concern exactly what kind of friends you are, but—"

"Shut your fucking mouth!" Sollux snarled, taking a step towards her. She backed away and I watched, stunned. "You can th'ay whatever the hell elth'e you want about me, but when you th'tart th'uggeth'ting that I have any intereth't in KK other than _him,_ I think I need to make it at leath't two hundred perth'ent clear that that ith'n't the cath'e." Another menacing step in her direction found my arms wrapped harshly around his middle, all before I even knew I'd moved.

Yanking him back, I whispered words just as harsh as my actions meant for his ears only. "Don't you lay a finger on her." He steadied himself against the table and I added, my tone softer, "Let me talk to her, okay?" The hint of a snarl still burned on his lips as he nodded. Turning to Kanaya, I was concerned to find her backed into a corner, clutching her rose-pink, leather purse so tightly her knuckles were white. "Kanaya...?" I began, hoping she wouldn't say what I feared she would. She didn't. Instead, she let the unbridled terror in her eyes tell me anything I could need to know. I took her hand and led her into the bedroom, closing the door after us.

She nearly broke down in tears right then and there. "I thought he was going to _hurt_ me!" she choked out, hugging me tightly.

"I wouldn't have let him," I assured her, dropping my voice. "And no matter what he would have done, you know he wouldn't have meant it. I mean, you do know that, right? He hasn't been taking his meds very much lately, and he's starting to worry me. Whatever. Just calm down and let me, I don't know, clear things up I guess? Yeah, that sounds about right. Let me clear things up." She did as I said, sniffling and seating herself on Sollux's bed. I took a seat next to her and began, "That really was an uncalled-for remark, you know. About 'what kind of friends we were.' Really, Kanaya, do you think _either_ of us are the type for 'friends with benefits?' A couple years ago, Sollux — maybe. But now? Nuh-uh. Not with me. Especially not after we've known each other this long. Those things are supposed to be kind of emotionless after all, aren't they? Like a no strings attached kind of thing?" I shook my head, betraying how little importance the question held.

"Anyway, we aren't really... just friends anymore. On my birthday, I might have kind of gotten a little bit wasted. Maybe. Only a tiny bit. But that's not really very fucking relevant except that alcohol makes people fucking stupidly honest and, long story short, I finally worked up some balls and told someone who actually means a damn thing that I'm—" I paused, refusing to let my voice break. "—told him how I really felt about him. At first I was afraid he would turn me away, but then he kissed me back and — wait, _fuck,_ I didn't say that, alright?" The "accidental" slip-up was part in attempt to lighten the mood, which I guess worked, considering the quiet giggle that followed.

"Um... yeah. So, uh, from then on, we kind of worked things out and we're together now. But, please, Kanaya, and I'm really serious about this, please don't tell anyone. Not Nepeta, not-not Vriska, o-or, like, someone I don't know, nobody, not even in confidentiality. I know I can trust you to keep our secret, but you know how people around here are... and I have... a more _involved_ issue with them, but I think I'll be okay on that front from now on. Just so long as we're kept a secret."

She'd been listening in silent fascination, her chin resting in her hand throughout my confession. "You _can_ trust me, Karkat. I wish you'd told me sooner, though, so at the very least I wouldn't be as utterly shocked as I was tonight. I did _not_ think that either of you had any interest in each other, especially considering that you have only had girlfriends in the past."

I hesitated to bring up Trevor, eventually deciding that she didn't need to know. "I'm bi, Kanaya, not gay. Girls are nice, too. But I've had a crush on Sollux nearly as long as you've had one on Vriska, probably longer. I guess I also did a pretty goddamn good job in hiding it. Him, too. I thought he'd never talk to me again after I told him, let alone want to get with me. Surprised the actual fuck out of me."

She suddenly broke out in a grin and threw her arms around me, tugging me into a close hug. "I'm so happy for you." Her voice was unsurprisingly tearful — you wouldn't guess it of her, but she was just as much a sucker for romance as I was. Not necessarily as much as far as romance movies and novels go, but she was a romantic nonetheless.

I hugged her back until she pulled away, smiling at her as we stood up. "Never mind your relationship, I feel that I am intruding in any case. Coming here tonight was a bad idea. I should have called or... _something_ beforehand. That being said, I am going to leave if you don't mind."

"Are you sure?" I asked, trying to clear the air. "We really did finish eating, and I'm not sure what Sollux had planned for the rest of the night, but—"

"Karkat, you said your relationship began on your birthday. Today's the twelfth. That also makes today the anniversary of your first month together. Despite what you may say, I am most definitely not welcome, and if you don't know what Sollux has planned for the evening... well, I doubt it's anything I'm likely to be included in. You should enjoy your night together, and that means that _I_ should be heading back home." She hugged me again and exited the bedroom. I followed her and found Sollux on the couch, looking out the window at nothing. Furrowing my brow in concern, I saw Kanaya out and returned to the living room to sit next to him. He didn't even so much as look at me as I curled up under his arm.

I cleared my throat loudly. "Sollux...?" Still no reaction. "Kanaya knows about us. She's cool with it."

Nothing.

"Sollux?" I repeated, louder. He didn't even so much as tense up, even slightly. "Are you okay?"

Nothing.

"I didn't know she was going to come tonight. I wasn't expecting anyone to. I didn't, like, invite her or—" _Shit, no, stop it. This isn't my fault. This isn't anybody's fault. Kanaya just happened to be there at that moment. We just happened to kiss when she walked in. It's not anybody's fault._ "Sollux?"

Suddenly, he spoke, still looking out the window. "Do you think she hates me?" I stopped. _Oh. I get it._

"No."

"Do you think she's afraid of me?"

"No."

"Do you think—"

"No. Whatever you're about to suggest, no. She doesn't hate you. She's not afraid of you. She's okay with us being together. She already knew about my preference in gender... or, lack thereof," I added, hoping the little white lie would improve his mood, "so I'm sure she doesn't care about yours." It didn't do much by way of mood improvement, so I tried another tack. "Um... okay, this is gonna seem like a really asshole-ish question, and I guess it kind of is, kind of 'cause I'm an asshole and kind of 'cause of the question—" He finally looked at me, the hard line of his mouth breaking into the shadow of a smirk. "—but have you been taking your meds lately?"

His vague smile fell, and the look he gave me could have been anything from offended disgust to suspicious fear — or probably both. "Maybe." I raised an eyebrow at him. "What if I haven't? I'm doing juth't fine without them."

"Really?" I returned, hating how instantaneously the accusation rose in my voice. "Remember earlier, that thing that you said to Kanaya? Excuse me, that you said to _threaten_ her? And you said that mere seconds after being the dorkiest idiot in the world. Or... oh, let's not forget the night of the Fourth, how you went from 'wonderful, affectionate boyfriend' to 'snappy, angry douchebag' at the mention of a name? Ooh, what about just a minute ago, when you went from this sad, lonely lookin' asshole who thought he'd just lost a friend to a snappy, _superior_ douchebag at, again, the mention of a single word?"

"Yeah, fuck off, KK, that had nothing to do with my mental health, you dipshit."

"Do you really think you would have threatened to hurt Kanaya if—"

"Yeth', I really fucking do, becauth'e no one, not her, not fucking anybody, getth' to th'ay that I only want you for—"

"Do you know exactly how little I care? Can you tell just how few shits I give?! I know what you want me for. It does not fucking _matter._ You don't just _do_ that, you don't just threaten people for saying something, you don't hit people or make like you're going to, you can't _do_ those things, and I know you, Sollux, I know that you _wouldn't_ do those things, except that there's some stupid, fucked up part of you that wants to do them, that thinks it's normal to want to hit people, and you're supposed to take these fucking pills so that you don't want to do those things, but you aren't and it's really not okay because you're scaring the people around you and you're scaring _me _and you need to fucking take those fucking pills because _I'm starting to get really fucking worried about you again!"_ I was completely out of breath and practically screaming by the time I'd finished.

Sollux pushed me onto the far cushion and brought himself to his feet, turning without a word to walk into the bedroom, shutting and, to my surprise and instantaneous terror, locking the door behind him. I leaped over the couch and slammed my whole weight into the door and pounded on it with both of my fists and furiously rattled the knob and yelled at him through the thin layer of wood, screeching until my voice cracked and flat out begging him to open it. Within thirty seconds, the fear had gotten to me and I was left curled against the bottom part of the door, tears of utter hopelessness streaming from my eyes as sob after sob tore from my body. _There's only one fucking thing he would be doing that would require locking the door. One thing that he could be doing that he would need to lock the door in order to keep me from stopping him from doing. He's killing himself in there,_ I thought helplessly, slamming my skull against the door over and over and fucking over, and hugging my knees tighter to my chest with each passing second. _I yelled at him. It's all my fault. He's killing himself and there isn't fucking anything I can do about it._

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**No yeah, still not sorry at all. I hunger for reviews :33**

**Also... if anybody's interested, like at all (I'm not gonna get upset if no one does, I just think it would cool), I would absolutely love some fanart for this fic, especially this chapter. I think if I got just one drawing of Sollux making a heart at Karkat with his tongue out, I would die and never ask you guys for anything again (I lied, I'd still probably ask you for reviews and shit). So yeah, if any of you are so inclined, feel free to saunter over to your art program or dredge up that sketchbook of yours or whatever and just kinda... doodle or somethin'. c: Thanks, love you guys, be back in a week!**


	14. I Could Definitely Get Used To This

**Author's note: Whale, guys. I'm sick. I'm not sure what with, though from what I've gathered, I'm fairly certain it's something along the lines of overexertion with just a hint of dehydration. Also I think my computer's fixed? But if someone doesn't get it today (Friday), I have to wait until Monday, and knowing my parents... I'll have my computer back by Monday. But anyway. This shit sucks. Practically constant headaches, just as constant shortness of breath, complete lack of energy (literally, guys, I couldn't even sit up in bed. I tried to drink some water sideways because I couldn't even lean forward and all I ended up accomplishing was dumping about half of it on my face XD), loss of appetite, dizziness, disorientation. It's all bad. So I spent the last three days lying in bed, propped up against a pillow, watching Doctor Who and Hercules. Also waking up at weird hours. Do you know how boring and just awkward it is to wake up at 4 AM? Can't turn on the TV 'cause it's so early, can't reach a light** **_or_** **a book to read, can't text your friends because they're all asleep. Ugh. So, so bad. And weird, really disconcerting fever dreams? Not even gonna get into that. I think that by the end of it, I decided I was a Slitheen (everyone go Google Image search Slitheen, they're so funny looking, they make me laugh a lot cx).**

**Update: it's currently 9:23 PM on a balmy Monday night, the twenty third of August. We are coming to day seven of mystery sickness, I am still very much laptopless (although my grandfather's planning to pick it up for me tomorrow), and I am currently back living with my grandparents, which is a damn sight nicer than relying on my parents (I kid you not, they refused to get me water when I couldn't even get out of bed). I have written another very long author's note, so I will leave now and allow you to carry on reading. Oh, did I tell you my phone's breaking?**

**I lied, final update: I FUCKING GOT MY COMPUTER BACK. I lost all of my pictures though. And all my Minecraft worlds/the texture pack I've been maintaining for a couple years. *sadbeaks* At least, that's all I've noticed I'm missing. Plus like a hundred hacked Sims: CC objects. *sigh* I don't even know how I'm gonna get the Sims back on here. I'm a lot less sick now, though, so there's that. c: And I got a guitar! Oh man. Plus school's starting Wednesday. *cries* Soon, my friends, my update schedule will be much, much worse. I was doing pretty good for a while there.**

**_I REWROTE THE PREVIOUS CHAPTER A LITTLE TO EXPLAIN THINGS BETTER, YOU SHOULD PROBABLY GO REREAD IT BEFORE READING THIS._**

**Anyway, Chapter Fourteen, enjoy. Fuckin' finally, right?**

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I had no idea how long I lay crumpled against the door, how long I lay frozen by endless fear and listless regret and the choking fury of helplessness. I couldn't help what I said. I couldn't take it back. I couldn't un-say it. I was honest and now I would pay the price for it. That was just like life. That _would_ be exactly what life decided I deserved. It's just what I knew I deserved. Forever to be punished for something I couldn't stop, punished for mistakes I didn't know were possible. Maybe there was something beyond fate constantly pissing on me. Maybe there _was_ some kind of god out there. Maybe He did consider homosexuality sin like all the fucking pastors in this shitty town preached. Maybe losing the one I needed most, losing someone I'd been waiting for my whole life, maybe _we_ were wrong simply because we shared a gender, and maybe losing him would be fair enough punishment to atone for my "sins."

Maybe that was His decision.

But you know what, I'd never been particularly religious before now, and honestly, I didn't feel much like starting. Because maybe, just fucking maybe, maybe there was no god, maybe this wasn't my punishment for anything, and _just fucking maybe_ there _was_ something I could do about it. My mind made up in an instant, I leapt up, slamming my elbow painfully into the doorknob, and sprinted out the front door. I blinked and suddenly the outside of the bedroom window met my vision. I cursed my height more vehemently than ever when I bounced up and still failed to reach even the sill. I was just an inch short. Fuck height. Unbidden, the memory of the night we took a walk in the park came back and I allowed myself a tiny smile while searching for a small enough pebble.

_Clack._ I paused. Nothing.

_Clack._ Something shifted inside. _One more. Just one more. Please._

_Clack._ The window began to open and I prayed to the god that may or may not be that for once my mistake could be forgiven, that for once, the only one time I knew I deserved it, life would cut me some slack.

Sollux peeked out and glanced down at me, blinking in surprise. "Well. I gueth' doorth' can't th'top you from getting where you wanna be." He had some nerve to be making jokes when I thought he'd been tying his own noose.

"Help me up, fuckass." His eyes practically rolled out of his head as he took a step back and moved some things from in front of the window. A moment later, his silhouette was replaced in the window and long, gangly arms stretched towards me. I locked wrists with him and, ignoring the burning in my muscles, together we heaved my scar-adorned body up and through it. I tumbled into the room, landing on top of him. It was a long time before either of us moved, but I finally summoned some strength and pushed myself onto shaky legs. Looking down, I was both numbingly shocked and beyond relieved to find Sollux propped up on his elbows, dressed in nothing but a gray tee-shirt and darker briefs, perturbed but otherwise completely self-unharmed.

"What even ith' your deal, KK?" he snapped as he stood and walked over to the nightstand. Atop said nightstand lay capped a translucent, orange bottle of prescription medication, two tablets of which were set beside a dixie cup full of water. We stared at each other for a minute, him having stopped when he caught me looking.

He returned the medicine bottle to the drawer and quickly swallowed the pills, casually tossing the crumpled cup towards the wastebasket, and missing, like it was a completely normal thing to do. Really, it was a completely normal thing to. The longer I looked, however, the longer I thought about it, the more I felt like shaking him for it. I didn't trust myself to speak, though, let alone move at that moment.

"You look a bit confuth'ed," he stated nonchalantly, putting the cup where garbage was meant to go. I blinked and _holy, shit, he moved fast, hello._ Suddenly there was a heterochromatic, raven-haired douche standing within a foot of my face. I didn't think; I didn't feel. I just moved. With each second that passed, there was another blow made to his stomach, his shoulder, his chest, his arms, anywhere I could reach. I didn't even notice the tears on my face until after I felt them on my hands. Didn't notice the knot in my throat until I screamed at him.

"You are truly an asshole, Sollux! A right fucking bastard! What the hell is wrong with you?! What the sweet fucking shit is wrong with you?!" My words dissolved into sobs as I collapsed against him, letting his long arms hold me and comfort me. He didn't say anything, though — he just held me. "Why did you lock the door? I thought you were... I-I thought..." I cried harder into his shirt, trailing off when I found I couldn't speak my fear. I didn't even care how pathetic I looked, a grown man sobbing grossly against another grown man. I couldn't have cared less if someone fucking payed me to. The only thing that mattered was that he was okay.

"KK," he said softly, burying his fingers in my hair and stroking it softly. "KK, calm down. Shh... KK, pleath'e." He didn't move. I didn't move. We stood beyond still, two bodies so close they could be one. I finally managed to get ahold of myself enough to let him simply hold me.

That didn't stop my voice from coming out tearful and pathetic when I spoke again. "Why did you lock the door?"

"Becauth'e. Becauth'e I don't know. Becauth'e I wath' gonna make you th'leep on the couch becauth'e I'm a douche like that." I closed my eyes and hugged him tighter. _He wasn't killing himself._ I thought, numb with relief. _He wasn't killing himself. He wasn't killing himself. He was just mad at me. With due right. I'm the asshole. He wasn't killing himself._ "Ith' that what you thought I wath' doing?"

"Son of a fuck. I said that out loud, didn't I?" He mhm-ed at me and I groaned and buried my face deeper into the crook of his neck. "Don't hate me, I'm sorry, I'm so sorry, I just—"

"How many more timeth' am I gonna have to tell you to shut up before you get the idea and th'tart fucking shutting up?" Sollux's tone was a lot more teasing than I had been expecting. "I don't hate you, KK. I'm not gonna hate you. Ever. You're th'tuck with me for a while, th'o you'd better get uth'ed to it. And that meanth' ekth'pecting me to th'tick around even when before you would have ekth'pected leth'."

"No." My brow furrowed. "No. That's wrong, that sounds wrong. Expect less... I don't expect less of you," I protested, digging my fingers into his back. "I expect a lot of you. I expect more from you than I do from me. I expect that you're gonna do better than what I expect because you're you, because you're Sollux, and... shit. I don't expect less of you. Don't think that." _And_ I was tearing up again.

"Okay," he said quietly, tightening his grip in return. "Can we th'it down? Or, like, lie down or th'omething? My legth' are th'tarting to get tired." I shook my head and gave him a firm "nn-nnh!" and readjusted my arms around him. "Okay." He spoke slowly, as if trying to piece together an explanation to my reaction in his head. Failing, he added, "Why not?"

"Sitting down or like lying down or something means I have to let you go for a few seconds. Letting you go is that thing that's never happening again." To my chagrin, he almost instantly let out a chuckle. "What, you think I'm kidding—?"

"What if I have to take a dump, KK?" I grimaced and let my face fall back into his neck, opting to just stand there and inhale his scent rather than to answer his question. "Or if I'm getting eaten by a shark, would you th'till be holding on to me then? What about if I wath' falling off a cliff or into a vat of ath'id? Where would you be?"

"Where the fuck do you come up with this shit?" I asked incredulously, pulling my face away to look up at him. "There aren't any sharks around for five hundred miles in _any_ direction, unless you count zoos and aquariums, but seriously? And have you looked around lately? We are in Okla-fucking-homa. We're hardly cliff-central. And I'm just gonna. Acid. Really?"

"Really, really," he replied, cocking his head ever so slightly and grinning.

_"Aaaand_ now you're making Shrek references. Stop talking, I'm revoking your speaking privileges. Just stand there there and look good."

"Don't feel much like th'tanding. How 'bout we lay down?"

"No, I already told you why that's not happening."

"But what if _I_ told _you_ why it _ith',_ becauth'e you wouldn't have to let me go?"

"And why would that be?"

"Becauth'e thith'." Before I had a chance to reply, he turned and literally threw me into his bed, his lanky form flying after mine of course and repaying me for having landed on him when I climbed through the window earlier.

"Sollux! Oww, fuck! Think you could have done that and _not_ crushed me half to fucking death in the midst?" I griped, trying (failing) to roll him off of me.

"Probably," he said snarkily, quickly silencing any answer I might have come up with with a gentle kiss and a nip at my collarbone through a little hole in my button-down. "I'm th'orry for th'caring you."

"You better fucking be, prick. I still think you're an asshole." I growled to myself and turned my head away, feigning more anger towards him than I really felt.

"Damn. That'th' too bad... And you're abth'olutely, two-hundred perth'ent sure there'th' nothing I can do to make it up to you? To... oh, I don't know, change your mind, maybe?" A rougher grating of teeth met my skin. I couldn't stop my gasp. Cold fingertips danced along the holes of skin showing through my dress shirt, little pockets of ice that grew with each microscopic swoosh of a button through fabric. Before I knew what was happening, Sollux's fingers had unbuttoned their way up to my collar and now his lips were warming up the stripe of cold down my chest. A kiss brought his face back to mine and the words he spoke were sent coursing through my veins as easily as he spoke them; "Let me make up your mind, KK. Let me show you how th'orry I am." It was taking all my energy to keep my breathing even, which didn't leave much for an answer.

He found one in my ragged breaths anyway, trailing his teeth along my nipple and down to my belly button. "I know I can be an ath'hole, KK," he murmured with his lips against my skin, his voice sounding impossibly far away and still so close. "I know I do thingth' that pith' you off — often — and I know I'm a handful to deal with becauth'e that'th' juth't how I am th'ometimeth'." As his words stopped, so did the gentle brush of his lips, and just as quickly he was leaning over me, his eyes asking to hold mine with an intensity I couldn't refuse. "You were right. I haven't been taking my medth', and I didn't realize how much it wath' affecting me until you pointed it out. I thought I'd been doing pretty good, honeth'tly. But regardleth', I need to th'tart taking care of myth'elf again before I hurt th'omeone I care about becauth'e of my th'tupid, th'tubborn obth'tinanth'e. Can you help me with that? Help me with making sure I actually take my medication?"

He looked so innocent; childish, almost, with the way his eyes looked so hopefully into mine, a hint of the fear of rejection shadowing them. It was sweet and endearing and filled me with something I couldn't put a name to. I took a minute to let the full of his admission sink in, as well as to let that warm feeling his gaze gave me fill me up, before nodding. He sealed the agreement with a soft kiss and murmured, "Now, ath' for that payment of mine; payment? Repayment, maybe? Or... offering, plain and th'imple. What do you think?" he added, sinking his teeth lightly into my neck. "Ith' thith' advanth'e payment for the job I th'et you? Or an offering of peath'e for my ath'holery earlier? Both work juth't fine for me. Both work in my favor." The smug grin was clearly evident in his voice as he teased the sensitive skin beneath his teeth.

His fingers trailed along my stomach again and sent a shudder up my spine as they tucked my shirt partway beneath me. I hadn't even noticed the short whines and whimpers accompanying it until a deep, rough kiss stopped them. "You make the cuteth't noith'eth'," he told me playfully, kissing me again. "I almost wanna record them, keep 'em for myth'elf and only me to lith'ten to. Maybe I'll play them when th'chool th'tartth' and you're in a clath' and I'm at home, all by myth'elf. All alone. The thingth' I could do with the noith'eth' you make—"

I wanted to stop his plan from formulating any further, because knowing him, he would put something that convoluted into action if it worked in his favor, and it _always_ worked in his favor. That was part of why I shut him up. But mostly it was because I didn't like where he was going with all the school talk. School had a lot of possibilities for someone like Sollux, a lot of opportunities. As for someone like me? Well, not so much. I wasn't sure I was even going next year, for a lot of reasons, but he didn't need to know that and and the sooner we got off the topic of school, the better.

And so his taunting promise ended with my hands gripping his ass. His parted lips froze and his trembling fingers hit a standstill and air itself changed as he became mine. "The things you could do with the noises I make. And yet all it takes is just one touch to bring the possibilities crashing down to nothing as you melt in my hands," I said, making no attempt to hide the satisfaction in my voice. "Who said you got to be on top? I don't like that. Roll over for me." I was half expecting him to laugh in my face, but he instead followed my command without hesitation and rolled over flat on his back. His head turned slightly to the side and he looked out expectantly, as if waiting for further instruction. This _is a side of Sollux I could get used to,_ I thought mischievously.

I saw an opportunity in his openness. I took it.

"Why don't you give me something to look at? I like your shirt and all, but I'm much more interested in what it's covering." Again without the slightest pause, he struggled for a minute with his shirt then tossed it to the floor, laying back now shirtless against the pillow. I was half-tempted to take off my own shirt to even the score, but a year of meticulously making sure my shirt _wouldn't_ come off in front of people had made me more self-conscious than I'd like to admit, so I left mine on. Before he got a similar idea, I leaned forward and let my lips acquaint themselves with his chest. His two-letter nickname for me met my ears in various little cries and gasps as my teeth and tongue teased him — I even left him a nice, big hickey on a really receptive part of his neck, which, unfortunately for him, was rather high up. I smiled to myself as I thought about Sollux shamefully asking to borrow a turtleneck.

Eventually, my mouth worked its way lower to his soft, cottony briefs. I could feel the fabric brush against my cheek and looked up just in time to see him furiously attempting to hide a blush. I simply smiled and brazenly nuzzled against the raising tent, eliciting a loud gasp and a jerk of movement as he propped himself up on his elbows. "KK, what are you—?"

"Ah, ah, ah, Sollux. Lie back down."

"But—"

"I'll stop right now if you don't lie down. And you wouldn't want that, would you?" The support of his elbows was gone before I got even halfway through the second sentence. This power I didn't know I could have over him was quickly going to my head, and I was loving every second of it. I didn't waste any time in sliding his briefs down, pausing only shortly for him to raise his ass high enough that I could get the waistline around it. It wasn't long before he was lying stiffly on the sheets in front of me, very naked, very vulnerable, and very, very hard. Sucking cock hadn't been strictly part of my agenda that night, but hey, I supposed I could be flexible.

I'm pretty sure the noise he made when my lips met the head would be stuck in my mind for a couple days; a squeaky, pathetic little whine blended with a lovely gasp, and broken halfway. The noise was nothing short of perfection, not to mention instant motivation to try for more. It was strange, something so evenly round going so far into my mouth. Kind of like a popsicle, but not cold and with a much smoother texture. And far more salty. Not that it wasn't a good salty. It was definitely a good salty. Had just a little bit of the same spark of flavor I got when kissing him.

After a while, I got used to his length in my mouth and bobbed my head around it, letting the wet heat of my mouth soak into him whenever he slipped just a little bit deeper down my throat. I wasn't _quite_ struggling with him yet, but in this position, it was bound to happen sooner than later, so I pulled away with a hard suck and a loud pop. He whimpered and I met his gaze, snickering. "Oh, don't worry. I'm not done yet. I just need you to move for me." He whimpered again and nodded, still biting his lip.

I climbed over his legs and got on my knees in front of the edge of the bed. "Come on, come sit on the edge." He moved quickly to the side and sat with his legs on either side of me. I had to admit, I was thoroughly enjoying the view. Scooting forward a bit, I stroked him slowly with one hand and looked up for a half-second as I slid my tongue over the slit in the tip. He groaned and leaned back slightly, instinctively bringing a hand to the back of my head. I couldn't help but grin up at him. "Feel free to guide me if you think I need it," I prompted invitingly. "Just putting it out there, I have no clue what I'm doing beyond the basic fucking rules of cocksucking and imagining what I'd like, so if there's anything in particular you'd be interested in having me do," I said, pausing both for dramatic effect and to glide my tongue along the entirety of his length, resulting in a shudder on his behalf, "don't hesitate to help me get there."

With that, I closed my lips over the tip, taking care to keep my teeth out of the mix for now, and slid my mouth down, resuming my steady rhythm from before. Sollux rolled his head back with a low moan and I pulled away just once more. "And stop biting your lip. I want to hear you." With that, I dove right back in, sucking just a little bit faster and just a little bit harder and just a little bit deeper. Apparently I did something right, because his fingers tangled into my hair and the slightest pressure was put on the back of my head when I pushed it forward. I hummed encouragement around him, which resulted in a louder moan and a rougher nudge. Bracing myself, I forced my throat to relax and pushed my head forward until my lips met the soft scratchiness of the black tuft of hair around the base. His length was uncomfortable in the back of my throat, but I chose to ignore it for favor of the pleasure I knew I was giving him.

I didn't realize I'd been holding my breath until I had to pull away to inhale, but I once again ignored the awkwardness of it to continue the job I'd set myself. Not even bothering to pause, I glanced up at Sollux to find him completely lost in bliss; eyes closed, face up, mouth open and breaths coming short and ragged, a few moans and gasps tossed into the mix here and there. Considering my progress well done, I upped the ante a little and unsheathed just the tips of my teeth, biting down hard enough for it to be noticeable but softly enough that it wouldn't hurt. I didn't know if he was a masochist, but experimentation could always come later. As for first-time events, I just wanted them to go smoothly.

He gasped and called out my name, gripping my hair tighter and almost pulling me back. Smiling internally, I moved forward more insistently, giving him a hard suck as I did. He called my name out again in a strangled kind of cry that I took, rightly so, to be a warning. Suddenly the back of my mouth was filled with something tangy and salty and warm, moreso than his length itself. Pulling my head away, I swirled his seed around my mouth a bit, enjoying the unique taste, before swallowing loudly and then sticking my tongue out at him to show off my now empty mouth.

His expression had never been so gorgeous.

Within the span of ten seconds, he'd somehow managed to haul me back onto the bed and get the blanket over both of us. He parted his lips and I was expecting him to start talking; instead he leaned forward and gave me a deep, rough, wonderful kiss. The shocking depravity of his action was strangely arousing, but exhaustion overpowered desire and I just let him kiss me. "I'm so tired, Sollux," I whispered when he paused for air.

"Let'th' go to bed then, okay?" he whispered back. I nodded slowly and he kissed me again. Struggling out of the covers, he crawled to the edge of the bed — still stark naked — and switched the light off. Clamoring back to me, he slid quickly back in place beneath the blanket and slipped an arm underneath me. I curled up against him and pressed a gentle kiss to his chest, the only place I could be bothered to reach at the moment. He bent a little and kissed the top of my head before draping his other hand over my waist. "Good night, KK."

"Night, Sollux. Love you."

I was asleep before the words I'd spoken registered in my mind.

* * *

**"...Love you, too."**

**Review~!**

**And I'm sorry this took so long. I'm not gonna excuses except computer and sickness. Also week of camp, but mostly sickness. But yeah, apology anyway. It'll only get worse from here on out. Also my author's notes are getting longer... I suddenly understand Rage's issue with long intros in his videos XD (Rage as in RageGamingVideos on YouTube, I love him, he's British and does Minecraft stuff and he's lovely).**


	15. …Goodbye

**Author's note: This time, I am sorry.**

**Oh, and for anyone wondering why this is suddenly chapter fifteen instead of the expected chapter sixteen, I finally found some time (who am I kidding, I finally stopped being lazy is all) to combine chapters two and three because they were both under 2,000 words and neither needed to be and they fit well together. That being said, everything post-chapter two has been moved back a chapter. And FFF, bby don't cry, I'm so sorry~ ;-;**

**Chapter Fifteen, everyone.**

* * *

"Emotionally-detached" was scarcely a term I'd use to describe myself. "Emotionally-vulnerable," maybe. I wore my heart underneath my sleeve; meaning that, when somebody said something that got under my skin, either in terms of anger, fear, sadness, whatever it may be, I simply lashed out at them and changed the subject. But I always felt what they said. I just kept my reaction well hidden to those I couldn't fully trust.

Which is why I couldn't understand how I didn't really feel anything when he told me. Not at first, anyway. Not for a while.

Somehow, Sollux slept through my phone ringing when I didn't. It was still dark, which meant it had to be obscenely early for anyone to be calling, but I still found this strange compulsion to answer. Afraid they'd hang up before I picked up, I struggled out from under the blanket and snatched up my phone, answering and whispering, "Hold on," before jogging into the living room. I had to unlock the bedroom door to get out.

Finally, I brought the phone to my ear as I sat heavily on the sofa. "Hello?" I asked groggily, realizing I'd been in too much of a hurry to check the caller ID.

_"Karkat?"_ Now _there_ was a voice I hadn't heard in a while.

"Robert, the fuck are you doing calling me at... whatever the hell time it is? Darktime. Why are you calling me at darktime?"

_"Can you stop fucking around for half a second and think about why I_ would _be calling you in the middle of the night? It's not exactly a friendly call."_ He sounded far more tired than I did. Cold dread sent a shiver down my spine.

"Something's wrong. Someone's hurt. Who's hurt? Is it bad?"

_"It's bad."_

"How bad?"

_"You—"_ He stopped when his voice cracked, though from exhaustion or impending tears, I couldn't tell — and I was hoping beyond hope that it wasn't the latter. _"You know Kanaya, don't you? Kanaya Maryam?"_

_No._

"Yeah, I know Kanaya, she's like my best friend," I said hurriedly. "What happened? What happened to her? How bad is it, Rob?"

_"K-Kanaya Dolorosa Maryam..."_ His voice cracked again, and this time he let it. _"...passed away at two-eighteen this morning."_

_No._

_"I've—"_ He stopped again and took a deep, shuddering breath. _"I've tried to contact her parents, but they're on vacation in Hawaii according to their voicemail, and I can't get through to the number they left. You're listed as an emergency contact, so I thought it would be best if I let you know."_

I'd stopped listening after he told me she was gone. Nothing else he could say really seemed important after that. "How did she—?" _Who said that? That wasn't me, that wasn't my voice... was it?_

_"There was an accident. A car wreck. She was driving through the intersection of 63rd and North Portland Avenue and a car slammed into hers from the right side. There were four people in the other car, and they all had B.A.C. levels of at least .08. The two people in the front seat also died—"_ Also, what also, why was he saying also? _"—and the two who were sitting in the back are currently in critical condition. Karkat... the driver of the car that hit her was Trevor."_

Here I had thought that this call couldn't have gotten worse. Now that fucker was dead.

_"According to a witness, she had the right of way; her light was green and his was red and he shouldn't have hit her. But he was extremely drunk, B.A.C. .13, and was going at least fifteen miles over the speed limit, and I don't think he could have stopped in time anyway."_

I didn't say anything else. I couldn't. Words weren't even a concept in my mind. I couldn't control my mouth to form shapes. The only thought in my mind was that she wouldn't have died if she'd stayed here. _Hold on, what am I thinking? No. She's not dead. Abso-fucking-lutely not. He has to be wrong. She's not dead. She can't be dead. She isn't dead._

_"Are you still there, Karkat?"_

"Yeah." _Hey, who the fuck keeps saying this shit? 'Cause it isn't me. At least, I don't think it's me. Is it me?_ I wondered.

_"I'm so sorry. I know it can't mean much, but I did everything I could. I tried so hard to keep her with us. It's just that... sometimes, there just isn't anything you can do."_

"I know." _Whatever. I'm just going to let this voice answer him. It seems to be doing a fine fucking job of it._

_"And I'm sorry I woke you up. I would have called later if I'd thought to check the time."_

"I know."

_"Okay. Try to go back to bed. You sound like you need some sleep,"_ he told me gently.

"Yeah." Just like that, the call was ended. "What an asshole," I said to myself. "That kind of shit's not funny. You can bet your ass I'm gonna give him so much shit for this stupid fucking prank next time I see him. Who even put him on to this?" I walked quietly back into the bedroom and numbly climbed the ladder to my bed, ignoring the strange, tiny puff of dust that rose up when I flopped down on my blanket. I felt weirdly hot, so rather than pulling it back and curling up beneath it, I simply closed my eyes and tried to sleep.

Sleep came frightfully easily.

* * *

_There's a weird darkness everywhere. It feels heavy, like it's not just darkness, like it's darkness and... something else. What else is still undetermined. The thick darkness fills your lungs, making your breaths slow and labored as you wander through the nothingness. Everything is black. Everything except the tiniest pinprick of light shining in the distance. You aim your footsteps towards it, trying hopelessly to maintain your bearings in the choking blackness. Too many times to count, you fall and have to pause to figure out which way is up before you can keep moving. The light is, very slowly, getting closer, it seems._

_Eventually, you make your way over to it. It looks like a window, four panes with two dividers crossing in the middle. You peek through it and your vision is met with an intersection. The signs read "N W 63rd St." and "PORTLAND Ave."_

_A well-maintained '07 silver Volkswagen Passat pulls smoothly up to the crosswalk on 63rd St., waiting for the red light to change. If you were to look through the window, you could just make out an equally well-maintained twenty-two year old woman with a short, outswept black pixie cut and almost black lipstick with a metallic jade green sheen that only she could pull off. Farther down Portland Ave., too far away to be anywhere near her line of sight, a green Chevy Avalanche speeds along the pavement. Inside the cab, the lights are on, you can hear the music from here, and the people in the back seat are standing up and leaning forward into the front. The driver repeatedly takes his hands off the wheel, and the car continually lurches into the empty oncoming lane until he regains control._

_The woman in the other car — someone you think you recognize but can't quite put a name to — slowly accelerates through the crosswalk and into the intersection as her light changes. Too fast, the other car drove up to the intersection. Her light is green. His is red. Something jolts in your heart, but something else tells you you'd rather not try to figure out why. Instead, you watch in enthralled horror as the truck carries on past the streetlight and into the intersection. The screaming of metal against metal meets your ears, along with the screaming of the terrified woman in the silver car._

_The truck slams to a halt faster than you thought was possible. The two men in the back crumple against each other and blood splatters the freshly shattered windshield from the man in the front passenger seat. The driver hangs limply over the steering wheel._

_The silver Volkswagen spins as it skids down the road, the woman inside clutching the wheel for her life. Time slows down and you're allowed to watch in slow motion everything from the crinkling of the metal as the car wraps itself around an electricity pole to the pole itself snapping wires and falling over her car, crushing in the top._

_A lonely brunette with striking blue eyes that cut through the darkness had stopped at the corner to wait for the light to change, and, consequently, she saw whole event. She stares for a moment until the silence broken only by the occasional crackle of electricity bears in on her and she yanks her phone out of her purse, dialing __quickly_. She speaks frantically into it, craning her neck to get a better view of the wreckage, although what she was saying, you couldn't tell. Everything seemed to be on mute after the violence of what you'd witnessed had played out, anyway. Slowly, the vaguely familiar woman on the sidewalk faded, and then everything around her, from the bloody carnage of the green vehicle to the quiet sense of loss surrounding the silver, faded too. 

_The last thing to disappear was the oddly soothing orange light of the somehow unscathed streetlamp illuminating the crushed, battered, and broken Passat, and soon you were left in darkness once more._

* * *

My eyes shot open and I launched upward with a shout, memories of the call from the previous night immediately flooding back. Robert had told me how Kanaya died. That dream, that _nightmare,_ was just my mind piecing it together. It had to be. It _had_ to be. It had to. There was still this unignorable part of me that wanted to forget, that wanted to forever scratch the memory from all existence and pretend it never even happened, both the dream and the two AM phone call.

But I knew it happened. I knew anyway. I knew he wasn't wrong. I knew he wasn't lying. I knew it wasn't some kind of sick, twisted, terrible prank. Kanaya was dead. She was gone. All because I let her leave. She had been killed by my asshole ex-boyfriend, who had killed himself in killing her and brought some other poor bastard down with him. My asshole ex-boyfriend I couldn't even get back at now because he was already dead. Death was too good a punishment for him, too lenient. He killed Kanaya. He killed someone else. He killed _three_ people, himself included. He deserved worse.

Silence prompted my exit from the room. I walked out to find an empty house and a note on the door that said something about needing eggs. _Good,_ I thought. _Eggs sound good for breakfast. How did Kanaya like her eggs? I don't think I ever found out._ I pushed the thought away and dropped myself into the couch, the same exact spot I'd been in when I first heard about her death. The TV went on and Dark Alliance went in and before I knew it, I was staring at a dialogue box that told me my character was dead. My options were "Exit to Menu" or "Load."

Why couldn't I reload last night? Just go back to that point when Kanaya walked in and not kiss Sollux right then and then we all could just hang out and she might sleep over and then Trevor would hit some other car that didn't have Kanaya in it and just kill himself and not her. Where was the load option in life? There had to be one somewhere. Maybe in death there was one. Maybe she had reloaded and things had turned out differently somewhere else, in some other plane of existence, some other timeline. She had loaded her life and she was okay and we were all happy and everything was okay.

But that was somewhere else.

In this life, last night hadn't been reloaded and she was gone and nothing was okay. There was no "Load" option. She died and chose "Exit to Menu" and she wasn't coming back. She just... wasn't coming back.

The door opened quickly, the knob banging loudly into the wall, and some painfully lost part of my heart said, "Kanaya's here!" and I almost believed it for a second. Then I heard the rustle of plastic grocery bags and logic overrode hope and I knew it wasn't her, it was just Sollux coming back with those damned eggs he'd gone to get. I quickly pressed load and started playing again, forcing my attention to stay on killing giant rats in the sewers and not drift or stray to thoughts of Kanaya watching Sollux and me plowing through the sewer like it was hardly even a level and killing the goblin king within a couple of minutes, or of Kanaya and Nepeta and Feferi bursting through the door and dragging us away in the middle of the boss to go bowling for Nep's birthday when my rib was still healing. I refused to allow my thoughts to dwell there and instead focused on — shit, I just died again.

"That'th' not right," Sollux commented, taking a seat so close that our legs were brushing as he rested his head on my shoulder. "You _never_ get killed by a giant rat, not even alone. And the death dialogue hath' obviouth'ly been up long enough to have burned into the plath'ma, which meanth' you've been th'itting here for fuck knowth' how long juth't th'taring at it. Th'omething'th' up. You okay?"

"No," I murmured, letting the controller fall to the floor and shifting so that I could curl up in his arm. He followed my actions and moved accordingly, pulling me up onto his lap and holding me tight against him.

"What happened?"

"Kanaya." He stiffened.

"What about her?" The cold tone in his voice dug right into my heart, and I immediately let out a groan and slammed my head into his chest. I didn't say anything, though. Just like last night, on the phone with Robert. I couldn't.

Something seemed to get through to him. His tone softened and he tucked my head under his chin, adjusting his grip and rocking me back and forth. "What about KN?"

"She's gone." The hollow voice that I guess came out of me was hardly a whisper, a scratchy and forlorn one at that.

"Gone?" he asked, stopping and moving his head to look at me. "What do you mean, gone?" Words failed me again and I shook my head, closing my eyes and falling against him. He seemed so sturdy. So strong. He could have protected her, if she'd been here. She wouldn't have gotten hit if she'd been here. He wouldn't have needed to. "You mean gone," he muttered, resuming his gentle rocking.

Suddenly tears were streaming down my face and I was clinging to Sollux for dear life and sobbing like if I didn't cry, I couldn't breathe. "She's gone," I screamed, the hollow whisper my voice had become forcing its way in and turning my scream to nothingness. "She's gone, she's gone and it's my fault, she's gone and she's not coming back, it's my fault she's gone, why is she gone, where did she go? Why is she gone?"

"I don't know, KK," he murmured, slowly carding his fingers through my hair, or scratching my back soothingly, all the while still rocking me. "I'm th'orry. I'm th'o th'orry." And with that, his voice broke and we sat and rocked together on the couch and Sollux broke down and cried with me. "I'm th'o th'orry, KK. I'm th'o, th'o th'orry." Not another word was exchanged between us for at least another hour, or what felt like one anyway. Just tears soaking each other's shirts and the shaking of sob-wracked bodies and a tangle of limbs that somehow equated to two grown men holding each other and crying violently on a couch that held too many memories.

"I can't do this, Sollux, I can't fucking do it," I sobbed.

Sollux had long since stopped actually crying and now resumed his soothing actions and continued to rock me like a child. "What?" he whispered back.

"I can't do this. Whatever this is. Fucking life. Kanaya. Why the fuck did she die? Fuck. Trevor."

"What'th' he got to do with anything?" he asked, his voice higher in bewilderment.

"He did it. He killed her. It's his fault. And now he's dead, too." I closed my eyes again and buried my face in his shirt. "It's my fault, too."

"KK, what the hell even happened?" _My bad for assuming he knew how she died,_ I thought.

"She was driving home from here," I murmured. "She was driving home and he was fucking drunk and he fucking hit her and they fucking died, him and Kanaya and some other asshole who was in the car with him. And the other two guys that were in his car are probably gonna die, too, and none of it would have fucking happened if I hadn't been a greedy little fuck and tried to make you do some stupid gushy romantic shit right when she walked in, 'cause if I hadn't we all would have just hung out and played video games and she would have slept over and not driven home and that dick wouldn't have fucking hit her when he ran that fucking red light and it's all my fucking fault." Tears streamed openly again as I clung tighter to him.

"It'th' not your fault. No matter what, it'th' not your fault. Don't think that."

"But it is my fault," I murmured quietly.

"No, it ith'n't. I'm sure she wouldn't think it ith', either." He kissed the top of my head and readjusted his arms around me, moving so that more of my weight was on a different part of his lap. "I can't believe she'th' actually gone. She wath' juth't here lath't night. Leth' than twenty-four hourth' ago, she wath' th'tanding in our kitchen. And the lath't thing I th'aid to her... the lath't thing I did wath' threaten her for th'omething she didn't even know about. I never even apologized. After she left, I thought, 'There'th' alwayth' tomorrow, I can alwayth' call to apologize tomorrow,' and now there ith' no tomorrow."

He sniffed and I looked up to see tears streaming silently down his cheeks. One dripped off his chin and landed on my hand. I reached up and wiped away another drop, and another, and brushed away more from his cheek and eyelids. Soon my hand was more wet than dry, soaked in his tears for the friend he ended up losing anyway. "What did she do to deth'erve that, Karkat?" he asked softly, pressing his cheek into my hand and screwing up his eyes tightly against the sob building in his chest. "If anyone deth'erved to die lath't night, it would b—"

"Don't. Sollux. Just... don't."

"Okay." I took my palm off his cheek and moved it instead to his hand, grasping it awkwardly but holding it anyway because I felt like he needed that. He squeezed and I squeezed back, and he held me tighter and buried his face in my hair and sobbed silently against me, shaking and holding my hand tightly. Occasionally, he let out this little whimper, and when he did, I just squeezed his hand again and let him squeeze mine back. After a while, he stopped shaking with his sobs, and a few minutes after that, tears stopped coming entirely and we simply sat on the couch.

"What did you get at the store?" I asked quietly.

"Nothing important," he replied, his voice cracked. "Juth't th'ome shit I wath' gonna make breakfath't with." He stared at the TV for a moment before taking the TV controller off the couch and turning it off. "I gueth' I should have figured th'omething wath' wrong when I woke up and you were ath'leep in your own bed. At firth't I thought maybe you were mad at me, but I kinda toth'ed that thought and tried to keep buth'y with other shit, like breakfast." He hesitated before speaking again. "I called her thith' morning, you know. I called her houth'e and left a meth'age apologizing for last night. She'th' never gonna hear it. She'th' never gonna know I didn't mean the shit I th'aid. She'th' not gonna fucking know."

"Sollux."

"I know. It'th' juth't. It'th' hard to come to termth' with."

"Yeah," I agreed. "It really is. I'm not gonna see her anymore. She's never gonna talk to me again, or drag me off to do some convoluted bullshit with her, like this one time she and Nep kidnapped me and made me go shopping with them. She's not gonna come over and have dinner with us anymore... Oh, shit. Our dinners aren't gonna be the same without her. I wonder if Nepeta or Feferi know yet. Probably not."

"How did you find out, anyway?"

"Robert called last night. I'm surprised you slept through it. Speaking of calls, I should probably call Nep. She's gonna wanna know."

"You go do that. I'm th'till gonna make breakfath't, th'o I'll get on cooking while you call her."

"Yeah, okay." With that, I slid off his lap onto the couch then stood up and walked into the bedroom to grab my phone from where I'd set it on the nightstand the night before. I took a deep breath and quickly dialed Nepeta's phone, sitting down on Sollux's bed as I waited for her to answer.

_"Karkitty! I haven't heard from you in a while, you never call me! What's up?"_

I sighed internally. She sounded like she was in a good mood. I hated to ruin that. "Oh, uh... hey, where are you right now?"

_"I'm just at home, sitting on my bed and doodling."_

"Okay. Uh... s-something happened."

_"Uh, oh. Something bad?"_

"Uhm... yeah, something bad." My voice wavered a bit, so I swallowed the knot building in the back of my throat before telling her. "Kanaya was... she came to visit us, last night. She left at, like, ten. You, uh, y-you remember Rob, right? Robert Baas?"

_"Yeah, but what does he have to do with Kanaya?"_

"He's a doctor, Nep. When Kanaya left last night... there was somebody else on the road. Driving drunk. She pulled into an intersection and he didn't stop at the red light and he broadsided her and... Robert called me this morning. At one in the morning or something. He said that... he told me she passed away."

For a minute, there was nothing. Just silence on the other line. Then out of nowhere came this horrible, screaming cry. The phone made a jumbled crackling noise and the cry came again, farther away sounding. She must have dropped it. Heavy footsteps thudded loud enough that I could hear them through the phone, and I figured my dad had rushed into her room when he heard her.

_"Nepeta, sweetie, calm down. What's the matter, honey, what's wrong?"_ Instead of answering, she scream-sobbed again. I could see her sitting on her bed, hugging her knees to her chest and screaming into them as she rocked herself, and I hated myself for doing that to her. _"Is this — hello?"_ Suddenly my father's voice was in my ear.

"Hey, Dad."

_"Karkat? What happened? What did you say to her that would make her cry like this?"_ he asked sternly.

"I'm just... I'm passing on some bad news. Our friend Kanaya died last night."

_"Oh. That's a real shame,"_ he said, his tone softer.

"Yeah. I wanted to let Nep know because they were... we were _all_ really close." Just as I said that, I looked up and caught sight of Kanaya's birthday present to me; that beautifully intricate silver frame around a glossy photo of her, me, and Sollux, and it almost brought me to tears again. "Look, I gotta go," I added, my voice breaking. "Tell Nep I love her, okay?"

_"Yeah, sure. We'll talk some other time, you and me."_

"Okay. 'Bye, Dad."

_"'Bye, Karkat. I love you."_

"Love you, too." He ended the call and I set the phone gently back on the nightstand. I glanced back at the photo. "'Bye, Kanaya. Love you."

* * *

**Review, I guess? Share your tears. I'll share mine, too. :'(**

**Also this chapter's late because school and COOKIE CLICKER OMFG.**


	16. Such Bittersweet Memories

**Author's note: Ppppppppllllllllooooooootttttttt... So much plot. o_o I had a great amount of fun writing this chapter. It gave me a lot of good practice writing a way I normally wouldn't, too, and for that I'm glad. And I did quite enjoy coming up with a backstory for Porrim, not to mention Sollux's speech impediments were immense fun to write and that whole last paragraph in the dream with Karkat wasn't added until I'd almost finished, but I'm really happy with the way it turned out. Speaking of Sollux's speech impediments, the "I" rule is that any "I" sound as in "lie" or "in" got stretched, but "I" sounds that were actually long E sounds, like in "earlier," didn't. And my innocent little Karkat baby... Sollux corrupted him within ten minutes of having met him. XD**

**Again, blame school for the abnormally long wait. And also I got in a fight with my best friend and it left me feeling like absolute shit for like three days and I didn't do anything then except cry to my boyfriend about what a shitty friend I am, which in turn made me cry harder because I was just using him then as a backboard for all my shitty emotional problems and it was making me feel like a bad girlfriend, too, and it just wasn't a good couple of days that could have easily been avoided but I'm glad happened because I think they needed to. Anyway, now her and I are all better again I think and my incredible boyfriend only ever rarely gets mad at me so him and I are definitely good and I got a huge morale boost from one of my guy friends today because he was just being a great friend and saying super sweet things about how I needed to smile and I got trapped in a bus seat with him today and he spent the whole bus ride talking to me and actually listening to me and letting me cry against him and I just really needed that. So life's better again and I'm getting back into the horrible groove of school and it's all just so exhausting and okay, let's move on with the story because I'm sure all this boring shit about me is just that; boring and uninteresting and you're just here for SolKat.**

_**GUYS**_

**GUYS**

_**GUYS**_

******/!\**_**PEOPLE READ**_**/!\**

******GUYS MY FRIEND DREW A FANART (ironically, the same friend I was talking about having fought with last paragraph). If you wanna go see it, check tumblr tag "SolKat (Broken Thoughts) art" and maybe follow me (professor-snap) if you want. That tag's where I'll put all of my fanart for this story. My other friend is drawing me a thing and somebody else just offered to draw me a thing and so much yes, I'm gonna cry, I'm so happy. All I want is for this story to be one of those that can make people happy (wow this is not the chapter to write that on. Or maybe it is? I guess I mean in an overall sense) and for people to be making me fanart means that's a dream I'm very gradually getting closer to achieving and thank you all for sticking with me and reviewing and stuff and I hope more than anything that this story from nowhere brought even a little bit of joy to you at some point because all I really wanna do is make people happy. :) You're all wonderful, amazing people, and I thank you so much for letting me be a part of your life. Cheesy as fuck ranting over with, now let's really move on.**

******I lied, last thing: I'm really sorry guys, but I have to at least warn you that the next chapter might be a long while in coming. School is horrible. TnT I'm sorry. I'll try to keep on schedule, but no promises.**

**Chapter Sixteen my friends, read on.**

* * *

I returned to the kitchen minutes later. Hiding evidence of my most recent tears was no easy feat. Sollux stood in front of the stove, watching two pans and occasionally nudging their contents with a spatula. I walked up behind him and wrapped my arms around his waist, stretching up on my tip-toes to rest my head on his shoulder. He smiled softly and let his head fall gently against mine. No words were said; none were needed. It was nice to just hold him, because so often, he was the one holding me, and now it seemed like he needed the comfort of being held more than I did.

I watched him cook for a bit longer before pressing a quick kiss to his cheek and walking slowly to the dining room table. Soon, I sat with my head against the table, exhaustion from a poor nights' sleep catching up with me. Within seconds, the sharp clank of the aluminum spatula against the cast iron pans faded and I drifted silently into a hazy doze.

* * *

_"Alright, say 'Mississippi!'" you demand._

_"Why-y should I-I?" he replies, prolonging his "I" sounds in the strange way that he does. "Mi-ith'i-ith'i-ippi-i," he murmurs softly to himself._

_You laugh. "That sounds so weird when you say it."_

_"Shut up, wi-ill you! I-It'th' not my-y fault my-y mouth doeth'n't work the way that i-it should!"_

_"Leave him alone already! Can you not see that you're upsetting him?" A young girl speaks from behind you. You turn your head and see none other than the same leadership volunteer, teacher's pet, and Far More Sophisticated Than Is Necessary straight-A student you've been going to school with since fourth grade, miss Kanaya Maryam. Even now it's easy to see that she's trying too hard to break free of her sister's shadow. Porrim Maryam, her older sister of two years, is the perfect student; clean track record, no detentions, no tardies or absences, always does her homework, gets Valedictorian every year since fourth grade, not to mention she does volunteer community service on the weekends and runs for Student Body President (and wins) whenever the opportunity arises. She's easily the "better" sister of the two, according to the adults._

_Personally, you can't see what Kanaya has to be worried about. Sure, she isn't as good as her sister at some things. She only ever gets second place in top grades at the end of the year, even in the two years her sister went to a different school, and sometimes she can't finish her assignments on time. She's been seen in detention on occasion, and she's also been known to disrupt the rare class period by bursting in five minutes after the bell rings. But nobody's perfect, and this eleven year old cambodian girl is no exception._

_"I'm not upsetting anybody Kanaya, mind your own business," you shoot sharply at her, turning back to the boy._

_"Yeah, mi-ind your own buth'i-ineth'," he adds._

_You snicker and bury your face against your shoulder. "It sounds funny when you say business, too."_ It's kind of adorable, _you think sheepishly._ Wait, where did that come from?

_"Th'top i-it!"_

_"I'm not making fun of you, you know."_

_He raises an eyebrow at you, cocking his head slightly. "Li-ike hell you aren't."_

_"Hey, you shouldn't say things like 'hell.' It's isn't nice. But yeah, I'm not laughing at you. I think the way you talk is pretty cool, actually."_

_"I-I don't thi-ink that could have been a more blatant li-ie i-if you'd th'ai-id outri-ight, 'I-I'm ly-ying, by-y the way.'"_

_"But I'm not! I like the way you talk."_

_"That'th' alth'o a li-ie. I-I know becauth'e i-it'th' not poth'i-ible to li-ike th'omething, or some_one, _that th'oundth' thi-ith' th'tupi-id."_

_"That's not true," you murmur shyly. "I think your... what's it called, lithp? I think it's really awesome."_

_"I-It'th' not pronounth'ed 'li-ith'p, dumbath',' i-it'th' pronounth'ed... fuck. I-It_ i-ith' _'li-ith'p,' but you pronounth'e i-it wi-ith an eth' th'ound. I-I can't not li-ith'p i-it, and whoever the hell came up wi-ith that word wath' a th'i-ick, twi-ith'ted bath'tard."_

_"Seriously, you shouldn't curse. And 'eth?' The heck is an 'eth?' Eth. Eth. Oh, ess! I get it. So it's a 'lisp' then?"_

_"Yeah, that'th' it. I-It'th' not cool or funny, i-it'th' really annoying and i-it fuckth' up what I-I th'ay th'o bad that people have trouble underth'tanding me. I-I'm taking th'peech therapy to get i-it under control, but I-I've been i-in i-it for a couple years and i-it doeth'n't th'eem to be helping at all."_

_"No, it's totally cool. I'd love to have a lisp. I guess I can just pretend to have one, like juth't th'tart lith'ping becauth'e I can."_

_"Don't do that, i-it'th' not funny! KN, can you tell hi-im to shut up?" You look at him in confusion until you realize that KN is short for Kanaya._ What's with the two-letter shorthand? _you wonder._

_Looking back, you watch her cross her arms and close her eyes, turning her head in a snobbish manner and stating, "I'm sorry, I can't do that. I'm minding my own buth'i-ineth', remember?" You nearly snort in laughter, because for once, her contemptuous scorn isn't directed at you._

_"God, you're uth'eleth'," he mutters._

_"Don't call her useless!" you snap immediately, whipping back around and glaring at him. "She works harder than anybody and people still ignore her sometimes 'cause of Porrim, 'cause adults are mean and horrible and they don't stop to think about what their kids need. I'm here complementing the way you talk and you're cursing and calling people useless, what if I called_ you _useless because of your stupid speech impediments? You wouldn't like it, would you? So how about you shut the frick up and leave her alone? And speaking of leaving people alone, I don't think I really wanna talk to you anymore, 'cause you're just as mean as all those idiots who forget about Kanaya."_

_He stares at you as if you'd just done the most ultimately unexpected thing._ Dangit, now he's not gonna wanna be my friend. The frick was I thinking? _you ask yourself harshly. "...You really noticed all that?" Kanaya's soft voice comes from behind you again. You turn to her and feel this ridiculous blush rising on your cheeks._

_"Well... yeah. I mean, i-it's not like it's obvious or anything! I just... I notice — noticed — a lot of things that other people don't think about because... nobody liked me in fourth grade. Or fifth. B-But I have friends now, so it doesn't matter." She smiles quietly at you and walks closer, until she's mere inches away._

_"I think it is wonderful that you notice things like that, but I am highly embarrassed to say that I don't even know your name," she admits, a similar blush rising in her own cheeks._

_"Oh, I'm uh... I'm Karkat. Vantas."_

_"Karkat?" the lisping twelve year old cuts in with a giggle. "The fuck ki-ind of name i-ith' that?"_

_You growl under your breath and sneer at him. "My kind of name, you... you... you ass!"_

_"Oh, look who fi-inally came out of hi-ith' cocooned li-ittle comfort zone," he teases, grinning at you with a face full of metal. Sun glints off his braces as he adds, "Come on, try-y i-it agai-in. Th'wear."_

_You can almost_ taste _the smug superiority rolling off of him in waves. "Why would I do that? I'm not gonna use that kind of language just 'cause you tell me to."_

_"Fi-ine," he shrugs, taking a step towards you. You don't think anything of it until he gets just as close as Kanaya is. "I-In that cath'e, I-I'll juth't have to_ make you!" _With that, he grins wildly and shoves you back roughly into the empty hallway._

_"Hey, what the fffffrick!" you shout, hopping back to avoid another push. The empty school campus is so ominous; it's just the three of you in the sixth graders' hall. All the teachers are in the lounge or office doing teacher things and now you're here getting pushed around by some kid you don't even know because you didn't want to walk home yet._

_All because you wanted to make at least one friend in this town that had all-but forgotten you._

_All because you wouldn't swear at him._

_It only takes that one thought for your whole mind-set to change, and in that change, you get the idiotic idea to simply do what he tells you to._

_Just as he reaches out to push you again, you manage to stop his hands with yours and knock them away before moving yours to his chest and pushing him back so hard he falls on his butt — you mean, ass. "What the fuck is your problem, you piece of shit?!"_ Holy _damn_ that felt good,_ you notice. "What in the hell are you fucking shoving me around for, asshole? Is it fucking_ fun _pushing me?"_

_"Hey, there you go. Now you're th'tarting to fucking get i-it," he tells you from the concrete with a self-satisfied smirk, propping himself up on his elbows._

_You know a few cuss words. Nowhere near enough to maintain the level of cussing you're planning on attaining without beginning to sound repetitive, though. You figure this gives you a perfect opportunity to create some cuss words of your own. "Listen, fuckass, next time you wanna be an assbiting fuckpod,_ kindly _leave me out of it, 'cause the last fucking thing I need is some douchebag fuckhole—"_

_"God, could you stop that?!" Kanaya's normally calm, collected voice bursts out with a fury you wouldn't have expected in a hundred years. "It's bad enough I had to watch you two hitting each other, now you're swearing and you both sound so patronizing and... eugh, just shut up!"_

_"KN—"_

_"Why are you calling me that?"_

_"I-It'th' eath'ier than 'Kanay-ya,'" he offers, shrugging. She growls softly under her breath. The kid stands up and walks over to you again, this time in a much less threatening way. "Name'th' Th'ollukth', by-y the way," he says calmly. "That'th' wi-ith an eth' and an ekth'. And KN, we weren't hi-itting each other." Out of nowhere, Sollux's fist pulls back then flies into the side of your head, knocking you brutally to the ground. _

_The last thing you hear before you pass out completely is,_ "That _wath' me hi-itting hi-im."_

* * *

The first conversation I ever had with Kanaya played through my mind while I slept. It also happened to be the first time I met Sollux, who was a skinny, lispy little fuck even back then with a problem making any "I" sound and an undiagnosed emotional disorder. Kanaya was a sweet, soft-spoken girl with medium-brown hair and a desperate desire for acceptance, both from her peers and her parents. Her parents were good folk, really, save for the fact that they revered their older daughter as a perfect child and Kanaya was always the afterthought.

In my opinion, Porrim was a wannabe rebel, stuck-up feminist until her senior year, when she finally caught on and chilled the fuck out. That was the year she got her piercings and, due to her long-standing personal friendship with the superintendent, got away with wearing ridiculously low v-neck dresses and midriff shirts when other girls got stopped for a bra strap showing. That was the year she decided she was the hottest shit on the planet, stopped giving a single shit about her grades, and began going to parties with the popular kids. That was the year not-so-false rumors of her flings with members of the football team, as well as the cheerleaders, quickly flooded the campus. She took them all in her stride, even proving some true when pressured. That was the year I lost any grudging respect I'd built for her.

Kanaya, on the other hand, took her sister's lapse in give-a-fuck as an opportunity to finally beat her. By the end of her sophomore year, the younger Maryam had surpassed her sister at the top of her class, and Porrim almost didn't get to walk, much less graduate with Salutatorian or Valedictorian. Kanaya, on the other hand, worked even harder throughout the next few years and graduated at the top of her class with honors and a satiny Valedictorian sash to complete the look. We went to a pool party later as our first act as non-students, and I found the exact same sash hung from the ceiling, my clothes tied to it and me left nearly naked. She always told me Vriska talked her into that one, but I always got the feeling it was her idea all along.

A gentle thud on the table broke me out of my sleepy daze. Looking up, I found before me a plate containing two pancakes, a few strips of bacon, and of course, a couple of eggs, easy over. Beside the plate rested a fork and knife atop a napkin, and more towards the center of the table was a large creamer cup filled with my favorite cherry syrup. Rather than sitting across from me, Sollux dragged a chair around and took a seat directly next to me. I saw it as the perfect chance to thank him for cooking for me, and did so with a gentle kiss on the cheek. I quickly tucked into my meal and finished just before he did.

When Sollux finished his meal, I took his plate and put them both in the sink, rinsing off the syrup and ketchup so it wouldn't become a thick, sticky, syrupy mess. Looking back, I saw my boyfriend playing my game as Allessia on Dark Alliance. I leaped onto the couch and quickly joined in as Ysuran. "Swap," I murmured. He nodded and we switched controllers so smoothly our characters didn't even stop walking. Forcing myself to focus on the game kept my mind off of other things — off of Kanaya. I couldn't help but feel grateful for the mind-numbing monotony of playing through a game I'd completed so many times I lost count.

At some point, I felt my eyelids drooping and realized I was still tired. When we were in an empty passageway, I paused the game. Sollux looked at me quizzically and I blinked back, murmuring quietly, "I'm so tired. I think I need a nap." His eyebrow furrowed and without hesitation he stood and picked me up, same way he picked me up when he was taking me to the hospital _months_ ago. It was almost enough to make me smile. Rather, I growled, "That doesn't mean I can't walk, fuckass."

He silenced any further protests with a kiss pressed to my forehead and replied, "Shut up and let me carry you." Soon enough, he was setting me lightly on his bed, tucking me in like a fucking seven year old. It was oddly reassuring. I'm not sure why, but as he started to leave, I reached out and grabbed his arm. I think it was that I couldn't bear the thought of being alone.

"Please stay," I whispered. He nodded, and I pushed myself towards the inside of the bed as he lay on top of the blanket, curled beside me.

Nothing was said for a while. It was just me thinking, and looking at him, and admiring everything about him. _What if it had been him last night?_ I wondered. _What if I'd made Kanaya stay here and he left in some blind rage and drove to Feferi's. He would have had to go the same way. He would have had to go through the intersection of 63rd and Portland Avenue. That would have been at the same time she drove through. Trevor would have hit him, and our rusted old piece-of-shit pickup wouldn't stand even half as much of a chance against Trevor's massive-ass truck. It would have torn ours in half like a knife through butter. It would have made Sollux into mincemeat. Trevor probably wouldn't have even stopped. He would have counted it as another point for his revenge against me, somewhere in his alcohol flooded brain, he would have made the connection from Captor to Vantas and he would have reveled in the fact that he'd broken me down further._

"Hey. Are you okay?" Sollux voice sounded quietly in my ear. I wasn't sure why he was asking until his thumb brushed against my cheek. _I must have been crying,_ I thought numbly. _Again._

"No." He nudged himself forward and kissed me, so softly it was like he wasn't even there.

"I'm th'orry."

"What are you sorry about?"

"Everything. The world'th' a th'orry plath'e." I wanted to think about his words, wanted to find the deeper meaning, but I was too tired to think anymore.

Instead, I curled up next to him, me in my pajamas and him in jeans and a tee-shirt, and said the only thing that came to mind; "I love you." _Shit._ I closed my eyes and forced myself not to make excuses for that. I wasn't sure why I said it. I wasn't sure I felt it. But that warmth that I only ever felt with him had to be something, and our relationship wasn't one where you had to be dating for six-plus months before you could tell if you'd be compatible with each other. We'd known each other for years. We were both so fucked up. And we both didn't care. The only thing the two of us had cared about in our friendship was each other, now doubly so with dating. We knew we worked well together. As friends, as lovers — even when it was still weird to think of us as such. I'd felt so strongly for him for so long without return, it still sounded unreal to call him my boyfriend, sounded impossible that I'd achieved something so incredible. _Does that mean it's too early to tell him I love him? If I'm not even entirely comfortable with calling him my boyfriend, does that mean it's weird for me to tell him that? How am even I thinking this? My brain is fucking Jello, I'm too tired for this shit._ I tried to shake the thought. I didn't want to keep figuring out different ways or reasons for me to have fucked up again.

A deep kiss shook me out of my self-inflicted micro-terror, making my eyes shoot open in surprise. I'd been expecting maybe a conciliatory hug and the ever-worrysome, "I think it'th' too early to be th'aying that." Fear was a great manipulator in relationships. You could spend years with nothing but hugs and kisses and still say you're in a happy relationship because saying anything else would upset your partner and you were too afraid to initiate romance beyond that which had already been done. Saying "I love you" was generally considered one of the more major milestones in any relationship. It was generally something that affected your attitude towards each other a hundredfold, even in the smallest way.

It was generally something you didn't say to someone for the first time less than twenty-four hours after a good friend of yours died.

And yet, here we were, me with a tentative, hopeful smile and a more violent blush than I'd ever endured and him with one almost half as bright and a grin nearly twice as wide. My smile grew to rival his when he whispered, "I love you, too, KK." I couldn't think of anything to say in reply, so I just kissed him back.

"I didn't mean to say that," I murmured, my lips still pressed against his. My eyes remained wide open, unblinking and boring into his.

"I had a feeling you didn't. You do mean it though, right?"

"Yeah," I answered, nervousness making my stomach churn. "I do. I really do. I love you a lot. Sometimes you do something or you say something and I just get this warm feeling and everything's good for a bit, and I don't feel bad about smiling then. Like the stars aligned just right and they made time slow down and everything gets really okay for a while. Everything gets... better. All because of you, and this great warm feeling you give me when you do certain things. It doesn't even have to be anything fancy. Just mundane little things; like watching you cook earlier, or when you came and sat by me on the couch this morning. Or the way you looked at me... y-yesterday. After you asked if I could help you with your meds. Just little things."

My voice had gotten more quiet when I brought up yesterday. I couldn't believe that it was just yesterday that we'd — that _I'd_ sucked him off. And while I was busy, while my mouth was full of him, Kanaya was probably being rushed into the back of an ambulance. The perversity of that thought paired with the anxiety I'd gotten telling Sollux I loved him was making me feel sick. I shook my head and forced myself to think of something else; Sollux's medication was first to come to mind.

"Speaking of your meds," I began, looking at him expectantly.

"I took them this morning." There was a slight exasperation to his tone, but also a deep running affection.

"Good." I closed my eyes and rolled over so that I faced the wall. Then I scooted back until I was lying flush against him. He kissed the back of my neck and wrapped an arm loosely around my stomach.

"I love you, KK," he whispered into my ear. "I love you th'o much and I wanted to th'ay that a long time ago but I had to let you th'ay it firth't becauth'e I didn't want to freak you out or anything and—"

"Shut up. I know how you are." He kissed my neck again and I snuggled closer to him. "I'm gonna take a nap."

"Alright. I'll th'tay here with you, okay?"

"Mm-hmm." He held me close and nuzzled his face into my neck. That was the last thing I felt before sleep overcame me.

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